The characters, plotlines, quotes, etc. included here are owned by

Chris Carter and 1013 Productions, all rights reserved. The following

transcript is in no way a substitute for the show "The X-Files" and is

merely meant as a homage. This transcript is not authorized or

endorsed by Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, or Fox Entertainment.

It was painstakingly typed out by CarriKendl CarriKendl@aol.com

and made available for your downloading enjoyment by moi,

Tiny Dancer tinyd@idirect.com from my website,

Tiny Dancer's X-Files Episode Guide

http://www.insanity.com.au/td/.

Enjoy.

------------------------------------------------------

US Airdate: April 30, 2000

Writer: David Duchovny

Director: David Duchovny

Mulder: How are we going to be remembered now 'cause of this movie?

Disclaimer: The X-Files and all its characters and episodes are owned by

Chris Carter and 10-13 productions. This transcript was made without their

permission and it is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain.

Thanks, CarriKendl@aol.com

CarriK

<TEASER>

(The screen is in letterbox format. Dramatic adventure movie music.

A MAN in a dark business suit, ala Mulder, is running through a dark graveyard.

Dodging bullets, he dives in a forward aerial summersault over one of the

creepy headstones, then scoots back and reaches his hand back over the

stone and fires randomly five or six times at whoever is following him.

He removes the clip from the gun. It is empty.)

[TD NOTE: The name on the headstone he hides behind, Alan Smithee,

is a well known Hollywood in-joke. It's the name a lot of directors "hide

behind" when they have no interest in having their own names attached

to the project any more. I honestly *did* know this already but kudos to

Autumn T. for pointing it out.]

MALE VOICE: Give it up, Mulder! You've got no chance!

(The camera pans up showing that this is not the MULDER we know, but

GARRY SHANDLING as MULDER. He has a cheap looking ceramic bowl

between his legs. He searches his jacket for another clip. No luck.

Things look hopeless for him at the moment.)

GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER: Damn it.

MALE VOICE: My sniper zombies are everywhere.

(Indeed, they are. Several gory looking, moaning ZOMBIES are getting

into sniper position behind tombstones, automatic rifles trained on GARRY

SHANDLING AS MULDER. Red laser gun sights flash through the fog.

All are pointed at GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER. The MALE VOICE

belongs to a man wearing high-level Catholic priest's robes. He is known

as the CIGARETTE SMOKING PONTIFF. He is a tall, older man with a

cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He is holding a RED-HAIRED WOMAN

hostage, his arm around her neck.)

CIGARETTE SMOKING PONTIFF: I'll offer you a deal. You give me the

Lazarus bowl and I'll give you Scully.

RED-HAIRED WOMAN's VOICE: Mulder!

GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER: How about this deal? You give me

Scully, I don't smash the Lazarus bowl and shove the pieces where the

Son of God don't shine, you Cigarette-Smoking Mackerel Snapper.

[TD NOTE: The original script: "cigarette smoking pontiffabitch".]

(GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER comes out from behind the tombstone.

He is holding the bowl above his head. The ZOMBIES and the CSP stare

at him. We get to see the red-haired woman's face. It is not SCULLY,

but TEA LEONI AS SCULLY. Her shoulder is bloody.)

GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER: I break the Lazarus Bowl and all

your sniper zombies go back to being good, little, well-behaved corpses.

(The ZOMBIES moan in fear.)

CIGARETTE SMOKING PONTIFF: You don't fool me, Mulder. That bowl

is your Holy Grail. Encoded in its ancient ceramic grooves are the words

Jesus spake when he raised Lazarus from the dead-- still capable of raising

the dead 2,000 years later. Proof positive of the paranormal. You could

no sooner destroy that than let the redhead die.

(Close up of GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER looking at TEA LEONI AS

SCULLY. Close up of TEA LEONI AS SCULLY looking at GARRY SHANDLING

AS MULDER. That unspoken communication, gotta love it. A rational

sounding ZOMBIE with a standard California accent steps forward and

speaks to GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER.)

RATIONAL ZOMBIE: Come on, man. Don't break the bowl. We don't want

to go back to being dead. There's no food, no women, no dancing. Save the

bowl and we'll dump that Ciggy-Smoking Stooge for you and you'll be the new

King of the Dead.

(GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER glances at TEA LEONI AS SCULLY.

She shakes her head slightly.)

GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER: I'd rather serve in Heaven than rule in Hell.

[TD NOTE: Satan from Milton's "Paradise Lost": "Better to reign in Hell than

serve in Heaven."]

(All in slow motion, GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER throws the bowl high

into the air. The ZOMBIES all drop their guns and run toward the airborne bowl.

GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER runs toward the CSP and TEA LEONI

AS SCULLY. As the CSP also tries to save the bowl, TEA LEONI AS SCULLY

gets the gun from him and fires at a ZOMBIE who is about to catch the bowl.

GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER pushes the CSP out of the way and grabs

TEA LEONI AS SCULLY. Together, they roll down the hill and fall into an open

grave and the coffin lid slams shut. All is dark. We hear heavy breathing.)

[TD NOTE: Freeze-frame the scene right as Shandling leaps on top of Tea

and before they start rolling. That ain't Shandling, I recognize that classic

profile anywhere, it's Duchovny!]

TEA LEONI AS SCULLY: Is that your flashlight, Mulder, or... you just

happy to be lying on top of me?

(We see the screen flicker. We realize that we are in a movie theatre

watching this. The audience chuckles.)

DARRYL ZANUCK THEATER

20TH CENTURY FOX

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA

GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER: My flashlight.

(In the coffin, GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER turns on his flashlight,

illuminating their faces. TEA LEONI AS SCULLY smiles and shifts position

and GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER gasps.)

GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER: (realizing) Oh, that.

(Audience laughs harder.)

GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER: You know, seven long years I've been

waiting for just the right moment, Scully.

TEA LEONI AS SCULLY: Oh, you're a sick man, Mulder. Go on.

(Audience shot of Chris Carter eating popcorn out of a plastic replica of

the bowl that is in the movie. He is grinning and nodding happily. We

pan across to see that David Alan Grier and Minnie Driver are also in the

audience.)

[TD NOTE: You can barely see someone whispering in Carter's ear at the

start of this shot. That's Bill Millar who also plays the director of the movie.]

GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER: I love you, Scully. No ifs, ands or...

TEA LEONI AS SCULLY: Bees.

(They both moan as he kisses her deeply. Audience laughs. Kissing and

moaning continues as the camera pans across the rapt faces of TEA LEONI,

GARRY SHANDLING, and other audience members, finally reaching SCULLY

and MULDER at the end of the row. Like the rest, they are dressed formally,

SCULLY in a black dress, MULDER in a tux. SCULLY's shoulders are up

around her ears as she stares at the screen in horror. MULDER is watching

in shock. As the kissing continues, he groans and drops his head into his

hands. He looks up and across the aisle at SKINNER who looks back at him

and grins broadly as he eats his popcorn out of his "Lazarus Bowl." MULDER

stares at SKINNER a moment, then back up at the screen where TEA LEONI

AS SCULLY and GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER are STILL kissing passionately

inside the coffin. SCULLY hasn't moved. MULDER has a moment of extreme

depression, and then drops his head despondently.)

Opening Credits

Mulders .... Whoo.

Scullys rock.

<SCENE 1>

EIGHTEEN MONTHS EARLIER

(SKINNER's office. MULDER and SCULLY are in their usual places as

SKINNER briefs them on the case. A MAN is sitting on one of the couches

behind them.)

SKINNER: Yesterday, a small pipe bomb ripped through the crypt of

Christ's Church here in DC. There were no casualties, no thefts, no note

making any demand.

SCULLY: Who's taking credit for it?

SKINNER: Nobody.

(The MAN, about SKINNER's age, listening intently and watching MULDER

and SCULLY, speaks into a hand-held mini tape recorder.)

MAN: She: Jodie Foster's foster child on a Payless budget. He's like a ...

Jehovah's Witness meets Harrison Ford's "Witness."

(MULDER and SCULLY look back at the man, then at each other, then

back to SKINNER.)

SCULLY: Uh, Christ's Church. Isn't that, uh, Cardinal O'Fallon's church?

SKINNER: Yes. O'Fallon's residence is adjacent to the crypt.

MULDER: Who's Cardinal O'Fallon?

MAN: (into the recorder, dramatically, nodding at SKINNER) Cardinal

"Oh-fallen," perhaps.

(A cell phone begins to ring, much to the irritation of MULDER and SCULLY.)

SCULLY: Um... He's one of the most powerful men in the church today.

His name often comes up as a possibility for the first American pope.

MULDER: Oh. I-I don't want to be myopic here, sir, but this looks like a

straight up terrorist act for the A.T.F.

MAN: (into the recorder) "Myopic."

SKINNER: Yes, it does.

(MULDER can't take the ringing anymore and turns to face the MAN.)

MULDER: Are you going to answer your phone?

MAN: Me?

MULDER: Yeah.

MAN: I didn't want to be rude.

(The MAN goes for his phone. MULDER turns back to SKINNER.)

MULDER: Sir, who the hell is this guy?

MAN: (on phone) Hello?

SKINNER: This is Wayne Federman. He's an old buddy of mine from

college. He's a writer out in Hollywood now and he's working on an FBI-based

movie. He's asked me to give him access.

SCULLY: (in the same tone of voice that she might say doggie poop)

A screenwriter?

WAYNE FEDERMAN: It's actually... It's a writer-slash-producer.

MULDER: Well, that's actually just a hindrance-slash-pain in the neck.

WAYNE FEDERMAN: (hanging up) Yo, yo, yo. Agent Mulder, I don't

want to eat your lunch. I'm just here for some procedural flavor-- just a taste.

(Pause as MULDER stares at WAYNE FEDERMAN.)

MULDER: I've no idea what you just said.

WAYNE FEDERMAN: Well, the Skinman's filled me in on your particular

bent.

(MULDER looks at SKINNER who shrugs.)

WAYNE FEDERMAN: He said that you come at things maybe a little

fahkatke, a little Star Trekky, which is the exact vibe I'm looking for for this

thing I'm doing. It's a Silence of the Lambs meets Greatest Story Ever Told

type thing. It's... beautiful, and I will not be in your way. I'll be strictly

Heisenbergian-- a hologram.

(MULDER gives SCULLY a pained smile, then puts his hand to his forehead

as SKINNER gives the order.)

SKINNER: Agent Mulder, Mr. Federman will accompany you today to

Christ's Church where he will act as an observer on this case. You will

extend to him every courtesy and protection you would a friend of mine

and a friend of the Bureau's. Agent Scully, I require your services here

for the morning.

(Federman chuckles and gives a suggestive "MmmHmm."

MULDER looks pitifully at SKINNER.)

MULDER: Sir, have I pissed you off in a way that's more than normal?

<SCENE 2>

(MULDER and WAYNE FEDERMAN pull up in front of a large cathedral.

A conversation is in progress.)

WAYNE FEDERMAN: Just curious if she's more than your partner.

MULDER: Enough, Wayne.

WAYNE FEDERMAN: Hey, whatever.

[TD NOTE: This exchange is not in the original script.]

(The two men get out of the car and enter the church. Two nuns pass by

the entrance. Autumn? Nanchita?)

CHRIST'S CHURCH

WASHINGTON, DC

(It's either 9:20 or 3:45. Later inside the church, MULDER is talking to a

distinguished looking priest, CARDINAL O'FALLON. WAYNE FEDERMAN

follows them as they walk through the church.)

MULDER: Cardinal O'Fallon can you think of anyone who might make an

attempt on your life?

CARDINAL O'FALLON: The church always has enemies, Agent Mulder.

MULDER: The size of the bomb would have limited its destruction to just

the crypt itself. Is there anything down there worth targeting?

CARDINAL O'FALLON: Not really. Just some old bones, artifacts, relics...

documents that we store down there in the cold. We like to think of it as

God's Refrigerator.

WAYNE FEDERMAN: That's a great line.

CARDINAL O'FALLON: Thank you.

WAYNE FEDERMAN: (into his tape recorder) "God's Refrigerator."

MULDER: Wayne, shut up.

CARDINAL O'FALLON: No treasures to the outside world. Things of

negligible monetary value... but great spiritual value to the church--

ancient devotional texts... and medieval relics.

(They are now descending a staircase.)

WAYNE FEDERMAN: How about the Shroud of Turin?

CARDINAL O'FALLON: No, afraid not, but we do have the Bathrobe of

St. Peter.

WAYNE FEDERMAN: You're kidding?

CARDINAL O'FALLON: Yes, I am.

WAYNE FEDERMAN: That's a good line.

CARDINAL O'FALLON: Thank you.

MULDER: (warning) Wayne... Shut up.

(They enter a dark, spider-webby crypt.)

MULDER: Who comes down to the crypt here?

CARDINAL O'FALLON: Only myself. There are a half a mile of catacombs

here. (he turns on a light) I like to walk here during lunch.

(They look around. One area of the crypt is rubble.)

CARDINAL O'FALLON: That's where the bomb went off.

MULDER: Well, my instinct, Cardinal, is to see this desecration of the

dead less as a murder attempt and more as a terrorist act-- a message...

(A cell phone begins ringing. MULDER looks accusingly at WAYNE

FEDERMAN. WAYNE FEDERMAN sheepishly checks his phone.)

WAYNE FEDERMAN: Uh, this isn't me. I think it's you.

MULDER: Excuse me. (pulls his phone out) That's, uh, that's not me.

CARDINAL O'FALLON: Let me check. (pulls his phone out) Not me, either.

Can never get reception here.

(Phone continues to ring. MULDER kneels down beside one of the damaged

crypts, removes rubble, and pulls a cell phone off of the not-long-dead body

buried there.)

WAYNE FEDERMAN: Would that be St. Jude's cell phone, Cardinal?

(MULDER looks at the face of the body that he has revealed.)

MULDER: No. That's Micah Hoffman.

(MULDER activates the ID function on the Nokia phone and reads the name

there. It is MICAH HOFFMAN.)

<SCENE 3>

ADAMS MORGAN DISTRICT

WASHINGTON, DC

(MULDER and SCULLY are walking down a residential inner city street

followed closely by WAYNE FEDERMAN.)

MULDER: Micah Hoffman, Willie Mays, and Frank Serpico. That's my

Holy Trinity, Scully.

SCULLY: Of course, I'm too young to remember but, uh, wasn't he some

kind of a '60s campus radical, like a Jerry Rubin or Mario Savio?

[TD NOTE: Cut from the original script:

MULDER: He was the Zelig of the 60's, Scully.

FEDERMAN: Zelig!]

MULDER: Yeah. Name a '60s counterculture movement and Micah Hoffman

was at or near the center of it. He was one of the original Weathermen.

He was the first Yippie. He was a better poet than Ginsburg and he was

also the starting shortstop for his Columbia baseball team.

WAYNE FEDERMAN: Then in the '70s, didn't he go real low profile?

MULDER: Yeah, right after Altamont. He was never really heard from again.

WAYNE FEDERMAN: Aw, the Stones get blamed for everything.

I don't get it.

(They arrive at the door of a low rent apartment.)

MULDER: This should be it here.

(MULDER begins to jimmy the lock with his kit.)

MULDER: (to SCULLY) What did Skinner want you for this morning?

SCULLY: Just paperwork.

WAYNE FEDERMAN: Hmm...

(He gives MULDER a "knowing" look and touches his finger to his lips then

points. MULDER, uncomfortable, chooses to ignore him. So does SCULLY.

MULDER gets the door open.)

[TD NOTE: The exchange about paperwork was not in the original script.]

SCULLY: Mulder, we should have a warrant.

WAYNE FEDERMAN: (sarcastically) Hey, it's only the Constitution.

No big deal.

[TD NOTE: Cut from the script:

MULDER (to FEDERMAN): You didn't see that, Heisenberg.

FEDERMAN: I'm sorry---did I miss an election? When did a fascist

government take power?]

(They enter the apartment. Odd assortment of furniture, art, bomb-making

equipment.)

MULDER: Wow.

WAYNE FEDERMAN: Dis-feng shui.

(Little nod to Gillian, there, DD? See 7x17, all things.)

[TD: Sounds like it, the line wasn't in the original script. Also cut from

the script is this line:

SCULLY: It still looks like the 60's in here, man. I feel like I'm on the inside

of someone's drug addled brain...]

SCULLY: Mulder, sorry to denigrate a third of your Trinity, but, uh, looks

like Hoffman was killed by one of his own bombs.

WAYNE FEDERMAN: Well, from Dharma bum to Dharma bomb.

(MULDER gives him a look.)

MULDER: I knew, uh, Hoffman was a master potter...

SCULLY: Yeah, well, it appears he was a master calligrapher as well.

Look, Mulder, they've got gum arabic and sodium hydroxide here. (reacting

to the smell) Whoo, these would be used to, uh, to age the ink and the

paper prematurely. It's a... it's a forger's trick.

WAYNE FEDERMAN: Well, from counterculture to counterfeiter.

MULDER: All right, one more pun and I pull out my gun. Scully, look at

that.

(They look at some parchment covered in a foreign language.)

MULDER: Christos. Looks like a religious text. Can you read Greek

at all?

SCULLY: Well, it's pretty rusty but it looks like some kind of lost

Gospel. A gospel of Mary Magdalene, and, uh, an account of Christ's

life on Earth after the Resurrection.

MULDER: After?

SCULLY: Yeah. It's a heretical text, Mulder-- mythical, I should say,

but long rumored to be in existence.

MULDER: Well, what would Micah Hoffman be doing with heretical

religious texts?

SCULLY: I think the question is: What would Hoffman be doing forging

them?

WAYNE FEDERMAN: I think the real question, "Agents," is: What might

O'Fallon be doing with Hoffman's forgeries?

(They both look up at him in grudging respect.)

WAYNE FEDERMAN: (modestly) You don't need a weatherman to know

which way the wind blows.

(MULDER glares at him. WAYNE FEDERMAN holds his hands up defensively.)

WAYNE FEDERMAN: Don't shoot!

<SCENE 4>

(Later, MULDER and WAYNE FEDERMAN enter the crypt again.

MULDER has his flashlight out.)

[TD NOTE: The original script has Scully in this scene as well, not sure

where she ended up.]

WAYNE FEDERMAN: I like the way you guys work-- no warrants, no

permission, no research. You're like studio executives with guns.

(MULDER ignores him.)

WAYNE FEDERMAN: Should I call you Agent Mulder or Mr. Mulder, or,

like do you have a nickname or something like that?

(They hear a faint clicking )

[TD NOTE: I like the original script's description, "like lobsters on linoleum".]

MULDER: Shh, shh, shh, shh.

WAYNE FEDERMAN: Like Skinman?

(MULDER ignores him, looking around the crypt.)

WAYNE FEDERMAN: Just ignore me.

(MULDER does.)

MULDER: What's that?

[TD NOTE: Original script gave FEDERMAN that line:

FEDERMAN: What the hell was that?

SCULLY: I'm sure this place is crawling with rats.

FEDERMAN: Is that supposed to comfort me?]

(They see another parchment.)

MULDER: Looks like the same gospel of Mary Scully ID'd over at Hoffman's

place.

WAYNE FEDERMAN: So, is this a forgery, or is this the real thing?

MULDER: Well, there is no "real" Gospel of Mary, Federman. The, uh,

original would be a fake.

WAYNE FEDERMAN: All right, so is this a real fake or a fake fake or...?

(They both jump as a cell phone rings.)

WAYNE FEDERMAN: Sorry, that's me.

(WAYNE FEDERMAN steps away to talk. MULDER puts his flashlight

in his mouth and looks at the parchment.)

WAYNE FEDERMAN: (on phone) Yes? ... No, no, no. No, I can hear you.

It's just your voice is...

(As WAYNE FEDERMAN walks through the crypt, a human skull jumps

out of the way to avoid being stepped on.)

WAYNE FEDERMAN: (on phone) There's like a crackly sound and then

I hear a syllab... Stop yelling. Yelling isn't helping the situation. ...

(MULDER is still looking with interest at the parchment.)

MULDER: Hmm...

WAYNE FEDERMAN: (on phone) Just talk. Y-you're breaking up.

No, let me call you back. (turns on a light) Okay. Yeah, I'm telling you...

I'm going through a crypt.

(Creepy harpsichord music. The clicking starts again. WAYNE FEDERMAN

gasps and drops his flashlight at the sight of a pair of leg bones running

across his path. A skull chatters its teeth and skeletal hands dance.

One of the hands picks up the dropped flashlight and runs away with it.

WAYNE FEDERMAN stares in awe.)

WAYNE FEDERMAN: Wow!

(The bones appear to be rebuilding a bowl.)

WAYNE FEDERMAN: (amazed) Oh, my... God.

(Commercial 1.)

<SCENE 5>

(Diner. WAYNE FEDERMAN is sitting between MULDER and SCULLY.

They drink coffee, he a glass of juice.)

[TD NOTE: Mulder "walks" his hand over to pick up his coffee.]

SCULLY: Now, Wayne, I'm sure that it was dark in there and that your

eyes were playing tricks on you and you've been influenced by ghost stories

and horror movies that take place in crypts and graveyards and you hallucinated

this vision of these dancing bones trying to reconstruct this bowl.

WAYNE FEDERMAN: No, I didn't hallucinate. That was mechanical or

C.G.I.

MULDER: (chuckling) Federman, that wasn't a movie. That was real life.

WAYNE FEDERMAN: The difference being?

(They have no answer.)

WAYNE FEDERMAN: Well, I have got my flavor here, so I appreciate all

your help. I've got a movie to write.

MULDER: (amazed) You're leaving? You don't want to get to the bottom

of this?

WAYNE FEDERMAN: Not especially.

MULDER: Well, you know, sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction.

WAYNE FEDERMAN: Well, fiction is quicker than truth and cheaper.

You want my advice? You're both crazy.

MULDER: Well, why do you say that?

WAYNE FEDERMAN: (to MULDER) Well, you're crazy for believing what

you believe. (to SCULLY) And you're crazy for not believing what he believes.

I'll leave you with that. Thank you.

(He leaves.)

MULDER: I miss him already.

SCULLY: You know, Mulder, I... I know that Federman's bs-ing you,

so I'm really hesitant to mention this, but, um... his story reminds me

of the Lazarus Bowl.

MULDER: The Lazarus bowl?

SCULLY: We had this wacky nun in Catholic school-- Sister Callahan--

we used to call her "Sister Spooky" 'cause she would tell us scary stories

all the time.

MULDER: Twisted sisters, my kind of nun, you know?

SCULLY: Well, she would hold up an old piece of wood with a rusty nail

in it, and she would say "this is an actual piece of the cross that Christ's

wrist was nailed to." Or she'd show us a vial of red liquid and say that it

was John the Baptist's blood, or something.

MULDER: She'd be in prison today. You realize that.

SCULLY: Well, she would tell this story of when Jesus raised Lazarus

from the dead and she said that there was this old woman who was Lazarus's

aunt or something...

MULDER: Lazarus's aunt?

SCULLY: ...who was spinning a clay bowl on a wheel nearby and that

Christ's words-- the actual incantation to raise the dead--were recorded in

the clay grooves of the pottery just like the way music is recorded into

vinyl.

MULDER: You see? It's just not true that you can't get good science at

Catholic school. It's a lie.

[TD NOTE: His original line was, "Now you're making me wish I'd gone to

Catholic School."]

SCULLY: (laughing, fingering a piece of the clay bowl) Well, Sister

Spooky says that, uh... that these words in the clay still have the power to

raise the dead just like Jesus raised Lazarus.

MULDER: (smiling at her) That is a very cool story coming from you,

Scully. I'll have Chuck Burks meet you over at my office see if this clay

has Christ's Greatest Hits on it and I'm going... I'm going to go have

another audience with Cardinal O'Fallon.

<SCENE 6>

(MULDER's office. SCULLY is watching CHUCK BURKS examine the

pottery piece with sophisticated laser equipment.)

CHUCK BURKS: There's music in the air, Agent Scully. See, everything

that exists vibrates and therefore sings. The street, uh, your internal organs,

electricity, everything. Here, I'll show you. You see, this is my voice

bouncing around in the red here. And all this yellow is ambient sound

that we habitually tune out. It's the hum of my hardware, Mulder's porn

tapes on pause, the sounds from the street-- everything we hear but we

don't know we hear. I can hear it with this machine.

[TD NOTE: Additional lines from the original script:

In my office, I like to supplement it with a customized white noise that

brings the whole shebang to A Minor because I like minor keys; I'm more

of a Schubert man than a Beethoven, understand?]

(He hears something in the headphones.)

CHUCK BURKS: (awed) Oh...

SCULLY: What is it?

(CHUCK BURKS takes off the headphones letting SCULLY listen to the

ethereal oscillating tone.)

SCULLY: Wow.

CHUCK BURKS: Who made this?

SCULLY: We're not sure. Either a forger by the name of Micah Hoffman

or, uh, someone else in the vicinity of Jesus Christ.

[TD NOTE: In the original script, when SCULLY says the name Micah

Hoffman, CHUCK BURKS replies: "The legend?! The only white Black

Panther in history?"]

(CHUCK BURKS chuckles, then realizes she's not kidding.)

CHUCK BURKS: Oh... Bazingo-- whoever did it is some kind of musical

genius. This clay is vibrating in all the keys at once. It's heavenly.

[TD NOTE: More from the original script:

CHUCK BURKS: That clay is vibrating at all keys at the same time.

SCULLY: Is that possible?

CHUCK BURKS: No. At least not until three seconds ago. In all the key

tests I've done, I've never seen that. It's like all of Mozart is playing all at

once over there.

SCULLY: Could it...?

CHUCK BURKS: Could it what?

SCULLY: There's no way that that piece of clay could reanimate what was

inanimate?

Chuck stares. That kinda came out of nowhere.

CHUCK BURKS: You mean raise the dead?

Scully holds his stare.

CHUCK BURKS: Hey, I don't even know if it could turn milk into yogurt, but...

SCULLY: But what?

CHUCK BURKS: I can see why Mulder digs you.]

<SCENE 7>

(Christ's Church. MULDER hands the fragment of parchment to CARDINAL

O'FALLON. MULDER is very respectful.)

MULDER: Can you translate what it says there for me, please?

(CARDINAL O'FALLON is reluctant.)

CARDINAL O'FALLON: Did you recover them from the crypt?

MULDER: Yes.

CARDINAL O'FALLON: (reading) "And then Jesus took his beloved

Mary Magdalene in an embrace, an embrace not of God and woman but

of man and woman. And Jesus said to Mary, 'love the body for it is all

of the soul that our senses can perceive.'"

(MULDER shows him more copies.)

MULDER: And how about these?

CARDINAL O'FALLON: These appear to be copies of the original.

MULDER: Or rough drafts.

CARDINAL O'FALLON: How?

MULDER: They're all forgeries, sir. Did you buy these from Micah Hoffman?

CARDINAL O'FALLON: (ashamed) I thought they were real.

MULDER: I can understand that. Hoffman was a master. My partner

had them analyzed and they're virtually indistinguishable from the real thing.

The paper is authentic, the ink, the hand, the diction-- everything. Hoffman

was also an explosives expert. Do you have any idea what he might have

been doing with a bomb in the crypt?

(CARDINAL O'FALLON shakes his head.)

[TD NOTE: More from the original script:

O'FALLON: Micah delighted in destruction the way other men delight in

creation.

MULDER: Did you kill Micah Hoffman?

O'FALLON: No. But I was not unhappy when both he and the documents

were destroyed.]

MULDER: Can you think of anybody who might have wanted to kill

Micah Hoffman?

CARDINAL O'FALLON: No.

MULDER: Why were you hiding the documents, sir?

CARDINAL O'FALLON: When Micah came to me... with these, as I

then thought, ancient texts and our experts verified them - he exploded

a bomb in my heart. The Christ that I'd loved was not the Christ in these

texts.

MULDER: So you bought them in order to hide them?

CARDINAL O'FALLON: To keep others from feeling the despair... and

the anger that I felt. To protect people from what I can now see they

needed no protection from.

MULDER: Why didn't you just destroy the documents yourself?

CARDINAL O'FALLON: I thought they were real. I hated them, I despised

them. I would have liked to destroy them, but I couldn't. Is being made a

fool of a crime, Agent Mulder?

MULDER: I'd be doing life if it were, sir.

<SCENE 8>

(SCULLY is sitting at MULDER's desk. The phone rings.)

SCULLY: (on phone) Scully.

MULDER: (on phone) Hey, uh, Scully, it's me. Can you horn in on the

Hoffman autopsy for me?

SCULLY: (on phone) Why?

(MULDER is in his car driving. It is raining.)

MULDER: (on phone) I got a feeling Hoffman was dead before he died.

He was blackmailing O'Fallon with those forgeries. Maybe O'Fallon retaliated.

SCULLY: (on phone) Oh, Mulder, this bowl. Your buddy Chuck Burks

says that it has properties he's never seen before.

(MULDER's call waiting beeps.)

MULDER: (on phone) Oh, hold on a second. That's my other line.

(MULDER switches over.)

MULDER: (on phone) Yeah, Mulder.

WAYNE FEDERMAN: (on phone) Agent Mulder? It's Wayne Slash

Federman out in L.A.

[TD NOTE: Additional lines from the original script:

MULDER: How'd you get my number, Wayne?

FEDERMAN: The Skinman gave it to me.]

(WAYNE FEDERMAN is driving his red convertible along a sunny California

highway. He talks on the car speaker phone.)

MULDER: (on phone) I can't really talk about the case, you know.

WAYNE FEDERMAN: (on phone) That's all right-- Skinman's keeping

me in the loop. Listen, who do you see playing you in the movie?

MULDER: (on phone, surprised) I'm in the movie?

WAYNE FEDERMAN: (on phone) Well, it's a character loosely based

on you. It's more of an amalgamation.

MULDER: (on phone) Yeah, hold on a second, Wayne.

(MULDER switches lines back to SCULLY.)

MULDER: (on phone) Hey, Sister Spooky, I've got to take this.

SCULLY: (on phone) I'll call you after the autopsy.

MULDER: (on phone) Thanks.

[TD NOTE: MULDER is a little nicer in the original script!:

MULDER: Scully? Sorry, I gotta take this. Hey, let's not make a habit out

of me trying to talk you out of the paranormal interpretation, okay, Sister

Spooky?]

(MULDER switches back to WAYNE FEDERMAN.)

MULDER: (on phone) How about Richard Gere?

(WAYNE FEDERMAN bursts into laughter.)

WAYNE FEDERMAN: (on phone) Ho! Yeah, okay. Uh, seriously.

What if I said to you the name "Garry Shandling"?

MULDER: (on phone) Wayne, you're breaking up. It sounded like you

said "Garry Shandling."

[TD NOTE: More info from the original script. The Skinman's not in this

for his health apparently:

FEDERMAN: What do you think of Garry Shandling?

MULDER: Has the bureau approved this?

FEDERMAN: Has the FBI approved Garry Shandling? I don't understand

the question.

MULDER: No, have they approved the use of this material?

FEDERMAN: Skinner's getting a consulting fee, dude.]

WAYNE FEDERMAN: (on phone) Garry Shandling signed on to play

the amalgamation loosely based on you and Tea Leoni's playing the

amalgamation loosely based on your partner, you stud. The movie's

called the Lazarus bowl.

MULDER: (on phone) How do you know about the Lazarus bowl?

WAYNE FEDERMAN: (on phone) The Skinman. Listen, Shandling and

Leoni want to meet you guys... get your flavor-- it's an actor type thing.

Come on out to the studio on our dime. We'll make it nice.

MULDER: (on phone) Hey, who's... well, then who's going to play Skinner

in the movie?

WAYNE FEDERMAN: (on phone) Richard Gere.

MULDER: (on phone) Ri ... Ri ....

(Loud banging as MULDER either hits something with the car or gets a

flat tire on the wet road.)

<SCENE 9>

(Morgue. SCULLY is doing the autopsy on MICAH HOFFMAN.)

SCULLY: Fracturing of skull and surface abrasions initially consistent

with concussive force injuries. I am, uh, now weighing the heart which is

relatively normal, although somewhat large.

(As she looks up at the scale, the corpse behind her sits up on the table,

skin flapping around the open "Y" incision.)

MICAH HOFFMAN's CORPSE: I'm going to need that when you're done

with it.

(SCULLY gasps at the sight of MICAH HOFFMAN's CORPSE talking to her.)

SCULLY: Oh, my God.

[TD NOTE: Luckily we didn't see any comments on the original script's

description: "Scully nearly pees herself and jumps back."]

(The body gets up and stands close to her. He stretches and makes a

"hoowah" sound, and shakes his torso as if loosening muscles. SCULLY

steps closer and stares at him.)

SCULLY: Who are you?

MICAH HOFFMAN's CORPSE: I am who I am.

(SCULLY reaches out to touch him tentatively with the scalpel.

He stops her and she drops it.)

MICAH HOFFMAN's CORPSE: Ah-ah... Noli me tangere, baby.

[TD: "Noli me tangere" means "Touch me not", from the Bible, John 20:17]

(Keeping her eyes on him, SCULLY kneels down to pick up her scalpel.

She cuts her finger through the latex.)

SCULLY: Ow! Damn it!

(When she looks back up from her bloody finger, the corpse is back on

the table where it should be. SCULLY looks a bit unsettled. She checks

her bloody finger.)

(Commercial 2.)

<SCENE 10>

(Morgue, later. MULDER passes a body on a gurney, then joins SCULLY

who is contemplating her band-aid covered finger. She is very pensive.)

MULDER: What'd you find, Scully?

SCULLY: In Micah Hoffman's stomach there were traces of red wine and

strychnine.

MULDER: Man, oh, manischevitz-- communion wine, I bet.

SCULLY: Mmm.

MULDER: I bet O'Fallon poisoned Hoffman then placed his body near the

explosion to cover his tracks.

[TD NOTE: I prefer the original script's phrasing: "I'd lay dollars to donuts

O'Fallon poisoned Hoffman and then placed the body near the explosion

to cover his tracks."]

SCULLY: It's possible, Mulder.

MULDER: I could get a warrant for O'Fallon.

[TD NOTE: Additional lines from the original script:

MULDER: Is there something wrong, Scully?

SCULLY: No, no, I just think maybe I've been working too hard.

MULDER: Well, cheer up, Tea Leoni's playing you in the movie.]

<SCENE 11>

(Small gathering in the beautifully lit cathedral. CARDINAL O'FALLON is

leading Mass. MULDER and SCULLY enter.)

CARDINAL O'FALLON: You're the One God living in truth. Through all

eternity you live in unapproachable light...

(SCULLY stops MULDER from going straight up to the altar.)

SCULLY: Mulder... Let's allow the man some dignity, okay?

(MULDER and SCULLY go over to one side of the church. MULDER watches

CARDINAL O'FALLON as SCULLY goes over to a side altar above which is

a life sized figure of Jesus on the cross. She crosses herself and kneels

before it to pray.)

CARDINAL O'FALLON: ...to fill your creatures with every blessing and to

lead all men to the joyful vision of our life. In our joy we sing to your

glory with all the choirs of angels:

[CarriK reminds herself to go visit church sometime this century.]

Holy, holy, holy Lord

God of power and might,

Heaven and earth are full of your glory.

Hosanna in the highest

Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord.

Hosanna in the highest...

(SCULLY looks up at the figure and is startled to see that it is now MICAH

HOFFMAN CRUCIFIED. He no longer has the wounds from the explosion.

He looks down at her.)

MICAH HOFFMAN CRUCIFIED: Consummatum est.

[TD NOTE: "It is finished.", from John 19:30]

(SCULLY looks to MULDER ten feet away, but he is watching CARDINAL

O'FALLON. When SCULLY looks back to the figure, it is once again the

statue of Jesus. She is not quite sure of what she saw.)

CARDINAL O'FALLON: Lord Jesus Christ, you said to your apostles:

"I leave you in peace, My peace I give you." Look not on our sins..

(SCULLY goes over to MULDER who saw nothing of her little encounter.).

SCULLY: Let's get this over with.

(Surprised, MULDER follows SCULLY up to CARDINAL O'FALLON's altar.)

CARDINAL O'FALLON: ...But on the faith of your church and grant us the

peace and unity of your kingdom. Amen.

(MULDER begins reading CARDINAL O'FALLON his rights.)

MULDER: Augustine O'Fallon, you're under arrest for the murder of Micah

Hoffman. You have the right to remain silent.

(As MULDER places handcuffs on CARDINAL O'FALLON, SCULLY looks

up at someone walking down the aisle.)

SCULLY: Oh, my God.

MULDER: Anything you say can and will be used against you...

SCULLY: Mulder... Do you see what I see?

(MULDER also looks down the aisle.)

MULDER: Yes, I do.

SCULLY: Is that Micah Hoffman?

CARDINAL O'FALLON: Yes, it is.

(MICAH HOFFMAN silently walks toward them smiling broadly.

His body shows no signs of either an explosion or crucifixtion.)

<SCENE 12>

(GREAT shot of SKINNER yelling down into the camera. We feel very small.)

[TD: Yeah, yell at 'em, baby, go Skinman!]

SKINNER: Misidentification of a corpse and subsequent unrequested

autopsy...

(MULDER and SCULLY are sitting in SKINNER's office taking the abuse,

weakly trying to defend themselves.)

SCULLY: Sir, the dead man looked very much like Micah Hoffman.

He had Hoffman's I.D. on him...

SKINNER: Agent Scully... if I'm carrying Marilyn Monroe's purse do you

assume that I slept with J.F.K.?

(SCULLY is silent.)

[TD NOTE: Not in the original script:

SCULLY: That would be a no, sir.]

SKINNER: Agent Mulder, the FBI has always prided itself on the speedy

expedition of its cases but this is the first time-- and I hope you're as

proud of this as I am-- that we've ever attempted to pursue a murder case

where the victim was still alive and healthy.

MULDER: A bomb went off, a crime's been committed. There's a dead

body nobody seems to give a damn about, O'Fallon's been less than

forthcoming and Hoffman, at the very least is guilty of forgery and extortion.

SKINNER: (standing, emphatically tapping on his desk) Agent Mulder,

you will leave O'Fallon alone. You will leave Hoffman alone and Agent Scully,

you'll put your trigger-happy scalpel away. Best case scenario... you get

to keep your jobs. Worst case, O'Fallon and the church bring a huge

embarrassing lawsuit against the Bureau which will feature you two as its

sacrificial lambs. As of right now... I am forcing you to take a four-week

leave effective immediately pending review.

(Later, SCULLY and MULDER enter MULDER's office.)

MULDER: I think this whole Richard Gere thing is going to Skinner's head.

SCULLY: We're off this case, Mulder.

(CHUCK BURKS is still in the office working on the bowl with his equipment.)

CHUCK BURKS: Compadres. I teased out something very fabulous from

your pottery there.

(Recorded sound of a man speaking a foreign language.)

CHUCK BURKS: Layered in under the ambience there. Guess what language

that is.

[TD NOTE: Cute "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" joke from the original:

Chuck offers Mulder the phone.

CHUCK BURKS: You can use a life-line to call anyone in America or you

can poll our studio audience...]

(MULDER is tired. He has had a bad day.)

MULDER: Chuck, I've had a bad day.

CHUCK BURKS: It's a dead language. I had a linguist in here to listen to

the recording. It's Aramaic.

SCULLY: That's the language that Christ spoke. (she looks up at MULDER)

Did your linguist happen to translate it?

CHUCK BURKS: Yes, he did. It's in two parts. The first part here

roughly translates as "I am the walrus. I am the walrus. Paul is dead.

Coo-coo-ca-choo." (SCULLY gives a look.) Although there is no Aramaic

word for "walrus." So it literally says "I am the bearded cow-like sea beast."

MULDER: What's the second part?

CHUCK BURKS: Second part's a little freakier. Here.

(He plays another part of the recording.)

SCULLY: What is it?

CHUCK BURKS: It appears to be one man commanding another to rise

from the dead.

SCULLY: Lazarus?

<SCENE 13>

(MICAH HOFFMAN's apartment.)

MICAH HOFFMAN: I am become Jesus Christ.

(He laughs loudly. MULDER glances at SCULLY who is sitting beside

him on the low couch.)

MULDER: I am become skeptical.

(Camera circles the three as they talk.)

[TD NOTE: Hippy quote from the original script:

MICAH HOFFMAN: What a long strange trip it's been, Agent Mulder.

SCULLY: We have four weeks, sir.]

MICAH HOFFMAN: There I was totally bumming after Altamont, and I

thought throw in the towel and go to law school or continue to fight and

become a forger of scandalous religious documents.

MULDER: Well, I suppose that's a choice every young gifted American

male is faced with.

MICAH HOFFMAN: I knew O'Fallon from college. He was a divinity

professor of mine.

MULDER: At Columbia.

MICAH HOFFMAN: Yeah. And he's a decent man but with an overweening

pride and sense of responsibility borne of a fundamental lack of respect for

the human animal. He believes in God, but not in man, in man's ability to

choose, to live in freedom. He has Christ in his brain, but not in his heart.

SCULLY: So, uh... you created a Christ in these forgeries that was more

suited to your particular world view?

MICAH HOFFMAN: Yeah. But before I could write like Christ I had to

become him in much the same way I imagine an actor who plays a part

becomes that part. So I immersed myself in Jesus Christ. Not just the

church and teachings but the man, the custom of his time, the language,

the vibe, the feeling of Christ.

[TD NOTE: Another hippy-type quote from the original script:

"The documents I wrote were far out---sex, drugs, and rock of ages."]

SCULLY: So why didn't O'Fallon and the Elders go outside the church for

authentification?

MICAH HOFFMAN: Because the forgeries were too damning of the church.

They couldn't risk the exposure. But then, something truly weird came over me.

SCULLY: Remorse?

MICAH HOFFMAN: Conversion, Agent Scully. The lightning bolt that

transformed Saul to Paul on the road to Damascus. One day I was not just

impersonating Jesus Christ, I had become him. That's why I blew up the

crypt. The forgeries were blasphemous and needed to be destroyed.

(MULDER hands over the phone.)

MULDER: How did your cell phone get on the dead man in the crypt?

MICAH HOFFMAN: God works in mysterious ways.

[TD NOTE: The scene continues in the original script:

The two Agents sit in silence. They share a look, then get up to go.

MULDER: Thank you for your time, Mr. Hoffman, I've always wanted to meet

you.

The two men shake hands; Hoffman doesn't let go.

MICAH HOFFMAN: I know you think I've gone insane, but anyone who has

seen the truth is seen to be insane. You know that so well, Fox. And you,

Dana... (to Scully) Since you used your faith like a knife to cut out my heart,

it is with you that I leave my heart for safekeeping.

Both Agents are somewhat stunned by the relevance and intimacy of

Hoffman's words.]

<SCENE 14>

(MULDER's apartment. Late evening. MULDER is lying on his couch

watching "Plan Nine From Outer Space" on TV, one of the first cheesy

sci-fi films made. He speaks the lines along with the actors. He obviously

knows the movie very well.)

MULDER and TV: Well, as long as they can think we'll have our problems.

But those whom we are using cannot think they are the dead brought to

assimilated life by our electrode...

(Someone knocks at the door.)

MULDER: It's open.

(SCULLY enters.)

MULDER and TV: You know, it's an interesting thing when you consider

the earth people who can think... ...

(MULDER sits up and makes room for SCULLY to sit on the arm of the

couch beside him. The movie continues.)

TV: ... are so frightened by those who cannot be dead.

MULDER: Couldn't sleep either, huh?

SCULLY: Plan 9 From Outer Space?

MULDER: Yeah. It's the Ed Wood investigative method. This movie is

so profoundly bad in such a childlike way that it hypnotizes my conscious

critical mind and frees up my right brain to make associo-poetic leaps and

I started flashing on Hoffman and O'Fallon. How there's this archetypal

relationship like Hoffman's Jesus to O'Fallon's Judas or Hoffman's Jesus to

O'Fallon's Dostoyevsky's Grand Inquisitor, or Hoffman's Jesus to O'Fallon's

St. Paul.

SCULLY: How about Hoffman's Roadrunner to O'Fallon's Wile E. Coyote?

(She grins and he laughs. On the screen, a body is rising out of the ground.)

SCULLY: Mulder...

MULDER: Yeah?

SCULLY: Do you think it's at all possible that Hoffman is really Jesus

Christ?

MULDER: Are you making fun of me?

SCULLY: No.

MULDER: Well, no, I don't. But crazy people can be very persuasive.

SCULLY: Well, yes, I know that.

(They both smile as MULDER takes the hit.)

SCULLY: Maybe true faith is really a form of insanity.

MULDER: Are you directing that at me?

SCULLY: (emphatically) No. I'm directing it at myself and at Ed Wood.

MULDER: Well, you know, even a broken clock is right 730 times a year.

(They watch the movie. On the screen, a zombie woman walks toward the

camera.)

SCULLY: How...?

MULDER: (answering the question before she asks) 42.

SCULLY: You've seen this movie 42 times?

MULDER: Yes.

SCULLY: Doesn't that make you sad? It makes me sad.

(They sit quietly for a moment as the movie continues.

Two men are looking at a map.)

ACTOR 1: You ever been to Hollywood?

ACTOR 2: Oh, a couple of times a few years ago.

ACTOR 1: You're going to be there in the morning. Just a few minutes

from Hollywood in the town of San Fernando reports have come in of saucers

flying so low...

MULDER: You know, Scully, we've got four weeks probation vacation

and nothing to do and Wayne Federman's invited us out to L.A. to watch

his movie being filmed and God knows I could use a little sunshine.

(She looks up at him. He smiles.)

MULDER: Scully...

(On the screen, a flying saucer wobbles by.)

SCULLY: (resigned) California, here we come.

(Commercial 3.)

<SCENE 15>

(MULDER and SCULLY are walking down what looks like a Boston city

street. [Ally Mcbeal?] Happy California Movie Music. A man on a bicycle

behind them rings a bell and passes them with the Roadrunner "beep, beep."

Then their GUIDE leads them through a lower door and they are on a sound

stage set up to look like a graveyard. Lots of cameras, people in costume,

cranes lowering gravestones, etc. ZOMBIES are practicing moaning and

combat moves. MULDER grins at SCULLY. They look quite out of place.

Of course, they are wearing their standard office wear. WAYNE FEDERMAN

comes up to greet them.)

STAGE 8

20TH CENTURY FOX

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA

WAYNE FEDERMAN: Agents! I'm so glad you could hang.

(He kisses MULDER on the cheek, and moves to do the same to SCULLY,

but ends up with a handshake.)

[TD NOTE: No clue as to why it was changed but FEDERMAN kissed them

both on the cheek in the original script.]

WAYNE FEDERMAN: Come on, I want you to meet the people that are

going to play you. Garry Shandling, Tea Leoni, this is Agents Mulder and Scully.

(GARRY SHANDLING and TEA LEONI get up from their chairs and greet

MULDER and SCULLY, all shaking hands. And looking closely at each other.

TEA LEONI is wearing a HUGE cross.)

MULDER: Nice to meet you.

SCULLY: Hi.

GARRY SHANDLING: Nice to meet you.

TEA LEONI: It's a pleasure.

MULDER: Big fan. Fox Mulder.

(MULDER is shy in front of TEA LEONI. Both women notice. Very cute.)

TEA LEONI: No kidding. Huh.

(Pause. MULDER looks over at GARRY SHANDLING who jerks his eyes

up from MULDER's crotch area. TEA LEONI turns to SCULLY.)

TEA LEONI: Well, you know, while I've got you here maybe, uh, maybe

you could show me how to run in these things.

(She indicates the 2 inch heels she is wearing that SCULLY could easily

wear in an aerobics class.)

TEA LEONI: Right over here, I was thinking 'cause, I tell you, I'm having

a hell of a time with these heels. What, are they government issue or

something?

(TEA LEONI walks a few steps away. SCULLY, not knowing what else to do,

follows. MULDER is left with GARRY SHANDLING. While the two men talk,

we see SCULLY, several feet away running her heart out back and forth in her

own higher heels. TEA LEONI is barely watching her, much more interested

in the conversation she is having on her cell phone. Hysterical. The scene

must be watched twice - once for the guys and once for the girls.)

[TD NOTE: Arlene Pileggi, Gillian Anderson's stand-in and Mitch Pileggi's

wife, is doing the running. She nearly tripped during filming but ended up

receiving a huge round of applause. Very funny scene which I missed the

first time 'round as I was too busy watching DD and Gary Shandling.]

GARRY SHANDLING: Hey, uh... Uh...

MULDER: Hi.

GARRY SHANDLING: How are you? Seriously, listen could I ask you

something?

MULDER: Sure.

GARRY SHANDLING: Uh, do you dress to the left or to the right?

(Sound of SCULLY's heels as she runs past them. MULDER glances down

and laughs, embarrassed.)

MULDER: What do you... What do you mean?

(GARRY SHANDLING laughs briefly, then clears his throat. He is very

serious. SCULLY runs past again.)

GARRY SHANDLING: Look, when I play a character I need to find his

center, his, sort of, rudder, so to say and then everything comes from that.

(MULDER thinks about it uncomfortably and looks over to where SCULLY

is sprinting past TEA LEONI yet again.)

MULDER: (thinks about it) Uh... I guess mostly to the left.

(Again, GARRY SHANDLING chuckles then gets serious.

A dog, looks like DD's Blue, walks around in the background.)

[TD: Check, it is Blue. Blue's mother appeared in "Ice".]

GARRY SHANDLING: "Mostly"?

MULDER: (clarifying) Most of the time.

GARRY SHANDLING: Most of the time. To the left.

MULDER: Mm-hmm.

GARRY SHANDLING: Wardrobe!

(GARRY SHANDLING walks away, leaving MULDER alone staring after him.)

(Later, MULDER and SCULLY watch as the scene in the graveyard is being

filmed. SUGAR BEAR, the director, is with the camera crew.)

WOMAN: Rolling!

SUGAR BEAR: And rollando! Come on, now, kick it in the ass and action,

zombies!

(The scene starts. ZOMBIES do their zombie thing. TEA LEONI screams

as one of them bites her shoulder. Then the ZOMBIE pauses. His mouth full.)

ZOMBIE: What is this?

SUGAR BEAR: Cut! Go ahead, ruin my career.

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT : What seems to be the problem, Mr. Zombie,

sir?

ZOMBIE: (mouth still full) What the hell is this? What the hell's in my

mouth? What's Tea Leoni's shoulder made out of?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT : Uh, craft service, what is Tea Leoni's shoulder

made of?

TINA THE CRAFT SERVICE GIRL: Turkey, just like you asked for.

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT : Turkey. Ms. Leoni's shoulder's made of turkey.

ZOMBIE: Tofurkey! I asked for tofurkey! I'm a vegetarian! Half the

zombies are vegetarian! Oh, my God!

(The TOFURKEY ZOMBIE spits the meat out and runs off the set yelling: )

TOFURKEY ZOMBIE: The people are made out of turkey!

[TD: Think, "soylent green is people!" :-) One additional line from the original:

MULDER: You hungry?]

<SCENE 16>

THE BEVERLY ERNESTO HOTEL

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA

(Nice hotel. SCULLY is in a bubble bath. Camera pans up her leg to her

face. Her hair is up in a clip. She is drinking a glass of red wine and is

on the phone.)

MULDER: (on phone) Hello?

SCULLY: (on phone) Hey, Mulder, it's me. What are you doing?

MULDER: (on phone) I'm, uh, working at the, uh, computer. What are you

doing?

SCULLY: (on phone) I'm, uh, packing. Just, you know, getting ready for

our trip back to D.C. tomorrow.

MULDER: (on phone) You know, Scully, I was just thinking about Lazarus,

Ed Wood, and those tofurkey-eating zombies. How come when people come

back from the dead they always want to hurt the living?

(As he talks, SCULLY's portion of the screen pushes to the left. The right

side of the screen now shows MULDER in an identical bubble bath. There

is a bottle of beer on the side of his tub in the same place SCULLY has her wine.

It looks like they are sitting in a heart shaped tub together.)

SCULLY: (on phone) Well, that's because people can't really come back

from the dead, Mulder. I mean, ghosts and zombies are just projections of

our own repressed cannibalistic and sexual fears and desires. They are who

we fear that we are at heart-- just mindless automatons who can only kill and

eat.

(MULDER's right hand is not visible and the water in his tub starts moving as

she talks. Hmm.)

MULDER: (on phone) Party pooper. Well, I got a new theory. I say

that when zombies try to eat people, that's just the first stage. You see,

they've just come back from being dead so they're going to do all the things

they miss from when they were alive. So, first, they're going to eat, then

they're going to drink, then they're going to dance and make love.

SCULLY: (on phone, smiling) Oh, I see. So it's just that we never get

to stay with them long enough to see the gentler side of the undead.

MULDER: (on phone) Exactly.

(MULDER's call waiting beeps.)

MULDER: (on phone) Hold on a second, that's my other line.

(He clicks the receiver.)

MULDER: (on phone) Hello?

SKINNER: (on phone, voice) Agent Mulder, it's Assistant Director

Skinner. I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time.

MULDER: (on phone) No, sir, I'm just at the, uh, computer.

SKINNER: (on phone) Listen, I just wanted to apologize for coming

down so hard on you during the Hoffman slash O'Fallon case.

MULDER: (on phone) Oh. I appreciate that, Skinman.

SKINNER: (on phone) Don't call me that.

MULDER: (on phone) Yes, sir. Um... Uh, where are you now?

SKINNER: (on phone) I'm right underneath you. I'm in L.A., at the

same hotel as you. Right below you and Agent Scully.

(The screen splits again at the bottom showing SKINNER also in a bubble

bath with a bottle of champagne.)

[TD: THANK YOU! That is all, continue.]

SKINNER: (on phone) Federman got me an Associate Producer credit

on the movie.

MULDER: (on phone) A.P. Skinner, huh?

(MULDER chuckles, then stops when SKINNER doesn't chuckle.)

MULDER: (on phone) Uh... So what are you up to right now, sir?

SKINNER: (on phone, taking a sip of champagne) I'm taking a bubble bath.

MULDER: (on phone) Uh, hold on just one second, sir.

(MULDER clicks over on the receiver.)

MULDER: (on phone, grinning with delight) Hey, Scully, Skinman is

calling me from a bubble bath.

SKINNER: (on phone) It's still me, Mulder.

(Indeed, SCULLY takes a sip of her wine, not hearing anything.

MULDER is embarrassed.)

MULDER: (on phone) Uh, sir, well, hold on one second, sir.

(He clicks the receiver again.)

MULDER: (on phone) Scully?

SCULLY: (on phone) Yeah.

MULDER: (on phone) Yeah, Skinner is calling me from a bubble bath.

SCULLY: (on phone) Wow, he's really gone Hollywood.

MULDER: (on phone) Totally.

SCULLY: (on phone) You know, Mulder, speaking of Hollywood, I think

that Tea Leoni has a little crush on you.

MULDER: (on phone) Oh, yeah, right. Like Tea Leoni's ever going to

have a crush on me.

SCULLY: (on phone) I think that Shandling likes you a bit, too.

MULDER: (on phone) Really?

<SCENE 17>

SIXTEEN MONTHS LATER

(Back in the movie theatre from the teaser, GARRY SHANDLING AS

MULDER and TEA LEONI AS SCULLY are beginning the kiss in the coffin

again.)

GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER: I love you, Scully. No ifs, ands or...

TEA LEONI AS SCULLY: Bees.

(Passionate kissing goes on and on. MULDER and SCULLY are mortified.

They glance at each other.)

TEA LEONI AS SCULLY: Wait, wait, Mulder... I can't.

(SKINNER is beaming.)

GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER: I know this feels wrong because

we're friends and we treat each other as equals, but...

TEA LEONI AS SCULLY: No, no, it's not that. It's not that.

GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER: Well, what then?

(Moment of heavy breathing. In the foreground of the movie, we see

MULDER turn as if to say something to SCULLY, then he drops his head.)

TEA LEONI AS SCULLY: I'm in love with Assistant Director Walter Skinner.

(The AUDIENCE does not seem surprised to hear this. MULDER stands

up from his seat.)

MULDER: (loudly) That's it, Scully, I can't take it anymore.

SCULLY: Shh, Mulder, sit down.

GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER: What does he have that I don't have?

TEA LEONI AS SCULLY: A bigger flashlight.

[TD NOTE: The above exchange from the movie is not in the original script

and these lines are included:

SCULLY: Mulder, be quiet.

MULDER: I want my money back.

SCULLY: It's a premiere, Mulder, we didn't pay.]

(The AUDIENCE laughs loudly. SCULLY watches MULDER walk up the

aisle, then looks over at SKINNER who has been watching them.

He shakes his head and she shrugs weakly. His date, a young starlet

looking girl takes his arm and kisses his cheek, playfully turning his

attention back to the movie. He glances over at SCULLY again, feeling

a little guilty perhaps.)

(Later. MULDER is sitting on a hill in the graveyard movie set.

[CarriK: It is still set up 16 months later?] He is holding his plastic

"Lazarus Bowl" and morosely eating the popcorn out of it. He looks up

as wind begins blowing. SCULLY has turned one of the big fans toward him.

She releases the fan and goes over to sit beside him.)

SCULLY: Been looking all over for you.

MULDER: (sadly) They got it so wrong, Scully.

[TD NOTE: From the original script:

SCULLY: Well, of course they did, Mulder, it's Hollywood, what did you expect?]

(SCULLY sighs and sits, taking some of his popcorn.)

SCULLY: I got a page from the Washington Bureau. Micah Hoffman was

murdered tonight. Murdered in his own home by Cardinal O'Fallon who then

hanged himself. A murder-suicide.

MULDER: It's Jesus and Judas, Scully.

SCULLY: Wow... It's all over now.

MULDER: No, no, it's just beginning. Hoffman and O'Fallon were these

complicated, flawed, beautiful people and now they'll just be remembered as

jokes because of this movie. The character based on O'Fallon is listed in

the credits as "Cigarette-Smoking Pontiff." How silly is that?

SCULLY: Pretty silly.

MULDER: Yeah, what about us? How are we going to be remembered

now 'cause of this movie?

SCULLY: Well, hopefully, the movie will tank.

MULDER: What about all the dead people who are forever silent and can't

tell their stories anymore? They're all going to have to rely on Hollywood

to show the future how we lived and it'll all become... oversimplified and

trivialized and Cigarette-Smoking Pontificized and become as plastic and

meaningless as this stupid plastic Lazarus Bowl.

SCULLY: I think the dead are beyond caring what people think about them.

Hopefully we can adopt the same attitude. (suppressing a laugh, she smiles

at him) You do know that there aren't real dead people out there, right?

That this is a movie set?

MULDER: The dead are everywhere, Scully.

SCULLY: Well... We're alive. And we're relatively young and Skinner was

so tickled by the movie..

MULDER: I bet he was...

SCULLY: That he has given us a Bureau credit card to use for the evening.

(She holds up the card and giggles. He smiles.)

SCULLY: Come on.

(She takes his arm and helps him up. Together, they run down the steep

slope of the hill to a path.)

SCULLY: Mulder, I have something to confess.

MULDER: What's that?

SCULLY: I'm in love with Associate Producer Walter Skinner.

(They both laugh, and MULDER dumps the half-full bowl on top of a small

statue's head.)

MULDER: Ah... Me, too.

(Holding hands, they walk out of sight past the moonlit backdrop. The wind

from the fan causes one of the branches on a tree to dip down and scratch

again the plastic bowl. It sounds like a record player needle. Then, as the

shadows of MULDER and SCULLY pass on out of view, the music begins and

undead figures rise up from the graves and begin to dance passionately and

happily, cha-chas and tangos. The green screen in the background changes

to a graveyard continuing the scene from the foreground. A full moon glows.]

[TD NOTE re: the music: From the original script:

the fourth track from BUENA VISTA SOCIAL CLUB, in a superior interpretation

rendered by Mark Snow, called "PUEBLO NUEVO".]

The End.

Transcribed by CarriK

Cast:

David Duchovny as Agent Fox Mulder

Gillian Anderson as Agent Dana Scully

Mitch Pileggi as Assistant Director Walter Skinner

Guest Cast:

Garry Shandling as himself

Tea Leoni as herself

Wayne Federman as himself

Tony Amendola as Cigarette Smoking Pontiff

Harris Yulin as Cardinal Augustine O'Fallon

Paul Lieber as Micah Hoffman

Bill Dow as Chuck Burks

Barry K. Thomas as Sugar Bear

Bill Millar as Director

Tim Roe as Zombie

Tina M. Ameduri as Tina (Craft Service Woman)