The characters, plotlines, quotes, etc. included here are owned by
Chris Carter and 1013 Productions, all rights reserved. The following
transcript is in no way a substitute for the show "The X-Files" and is
merely meant as a homage. This transcript is not authorized or
endorsed by Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, or Fox Entertainment.
It was painstakingly typed out by CarriKendl CarriKendl@aol.com
and made available for your downloading enjoyment by moi,
Tiny Dancer tinyd@idirect.com from my website,
Tiny Dancer's X-Files Episode Guide
http://www.insanity.com.au/td/. Enjoy.
-------------------------------------------------
7x20 Fight Club (7xAB20)
US Airdate: May 7, 2000
Writer: Chris Carter
Director: Paul Shapiro
Mulder, the slide, please.
Disclaimer: The X-Files and all its characters and episodes are owned by
Chris Carter and 10-13 productions. This transcript was made without their
permission and it is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain.
Thanks, CarriKendl@aol.com
CarriK
<TEASER>
KANSAS CITY, KANSAS
(Nice average neighborhood. Lovely day. Someone is mowing a yard.
Two young men wearing dress shirts and ties are riding their bicycles.
They turn and move their heads in perfect harmony with each other.
Very funny. They ride up to one of the houses. In the driveway is an
older model red convertible with a personalized Missouri plate, BETTY.
Two bumper stickers: "Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway," and "Cleverly
Disguised as a Responsible Adult" are on the back of the car. They each
remove a couple of religious pamphlets, "The Messenger," from the backs
of their bikes and go up to the door and knock. A woman, BETTY TEMPLETON,
late thirties, answers the door. We don't see her face. Part of her curly red
hair is in a ponytail on top of her head held together with a Betty Boop hairclip.
She is wearing a pink and black shirt. The two MISSIONARIES beam at her.)
FIRST MISSIONARY: Good afternoon. I hope we're not bothering you.
BETTY TEMPLETON: Actually, I'm just...
SECOND MISSIONARY: We really won't take up much of your time.
BETTY TEMPLETON: I'm just waiting for a call...
FIRST MISSIONARY: We're all waiting, ma'am ... for the good Lord to
call in his flock.
BETTY TEMPLETON: ... from the cable TV people. I'm just moving in.
(dismissively) God bless.
(She closes the door in their faces as a moving truck pulls up.)
(The MISSIONARIES peep in the door window together, then we see them
back on their bikes riding further down the street. They pull up into another
driveway. An older model blue convertible is there, personalized Arkansas
plate "LULU," and bumper stickers "Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway,"
and
"Cleverly Disguised as a Responsible Adult." The stickers on the opposite
sides as the one's on BETTY's car. They get the pamphlets, then go up to
the door and knock. It is opened by a woman, LULU PFEIFFER, late thirties.
She is wearing a blue and black shirt. Part of her curly red hair is in a ponytail
on top of her head held together with a Betty Boop hairclip. We don't see her
face.)
FIRST MISSIONARY: Good afternoon. I hope... we're not bothering...
(He stammers to a stop as he and his partner stare at her.)
LULU PFEIFFER: Yes?
SECOND MISSIONARY: You're... Weren't you...
FIRST MISSIONARY: Yeah, didn't we just...
LULU PFEIFFER: Didn't you just what?
SECOND MISSSIONARY: Speak to you.
LULU PFEIFFER: Excuse me?
FIRST MISSIONARY: We just spoke to a woman who...
SECOND MISSIONARY: ... could have been your twin.
LULU PFEIFFER: What are you talking about?
FIRST MISSIONARY: Yeah, just down the street-- she's just moving in--
your spitting image.
SECOND MISSIONARY: You're really not going to believe it when you see her.
(She slams the door in their faces. We see them through the peephole.)
FIRST MISSIONARY: Ma'am?
LULU PFEIFFER: (yelling from inside the house) Go away! Get out of here!
(Through the peephole, we see the two MISSIONARIES turn and look at
each other. The FIRST MISSIONARY pushes his partners shoulder aggressively.
The SECOND MISSIONARY pushes back. They begin punching each other.
LULU PFEIFFER watches for a moment, then uncomfortably turns her back
on the now bloody door and walks away. Full shot as they then begin beating
the daylights out of each other, punching and rolling around in the grass in the
front yard. After a moment, a police car arrives and the two COPS get out
and try to break up the fight. The two MISSIONARIES punch the COPS and
go for each other again.)
COP: Cuff him!
(The COPS again try to restrain the men. Fade to black.)
Opening Credits
Mulder ... whoo.
Scully rocks.
<SCENE 1>
KANSAS CITY, KANSAS
ONE DAY LATER
(A silver sedan is parked outside BETTY TEMPLETON's house. A tall
dark-haired man and a short red-haired woman knock at the door.
We don't see their faces. She answers the door. We now see her face.
She is wearing pink and red.)
MULDER's VOICE: Betty Templeton?
BETTY TEMPLETON: Yes?
MULDER's VOICE: We're with the FBI. We'd like to ask about an incident--
a possible religious hate crime in your neighborhood.
BETTY TEMPLETON: I just moved in yesterday. I don't know anything
about any incident.
SCULLY's VOICE: Well, we have two young men in the car who say you
do know something.
(Sitting in the back seat of the car are the two MISSIONARIES.
Their faces are cut and badly bruised. One is in a neck brace.)
BETTY TEMPLETON: Oh, my God. Those are the boys that were here
yesterday. What happened?
MULDER's VOICE: They were beaten to within an inch of their lives by
each other after visiting the home of a woman living a few blocks over.
BETTY TEMPLETON: What woman?
SCULLY's VOICE: A woman who, by both young men's accounts fits
your description.
BETTY TEMPLETON: (walking out into the yard) She, uh... lives
around here?
MULDER's VOICE: Are you a practitioner of the occult, Miss Templeton?
Wicca? Voodoo? Satanism? The black art of bodily bilocation?
BETTY TEMPLETON: Me? (chuckles nervously) No. You know what
they say-- everyone has a twin out there somewhere.
(The dark-haired man and the red-haired woman look at each other.
They are NOT our MULDER and SCULLY, but look very similar.)
MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE MULDER: No, we don't know what they say.
BETTY TEMPLETON: Well, if there's someone who fits my description,
why isn't someone talking to her?
WOMAN WHO LOOKS LIKE SCULLY: We went over to the house, but
it's empty. No one lives there.
MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE MULDER: Frankly, we're not even sure she exists.
(The blue convertible driven by LULU PFEIFFER passes by followed by a
moving truck. They watch it pass. LULU PFEIFFER and BETTY TEMPLETON
lock hostile gazes. The WOMAN WHO LOOKS LIKE SCULLY and the
MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE MULDER look at each other. Without warning,
she punches him twice. He blocks her third punch, and hits her back.
BETTY TEMPLETON backs up and runs back into the house. The WOMAN
WHO LOOKS LIKE SCULLY hits the MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE MULDER again.
They fight and she knocks him to the ground. She kicks him in the stomach.
As BETTY TEMPLETON watches from inside the house and the MISSIONARIES
watch from inside the car, the two roll around on the ground. The MAN gets
on top and hits the WOMAN, then the WOMAN WHO LOOKS LIKE SCULLY
looks like she knees him in the groin. She runs and gets in the car and
starts it. The MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE MULDER recovers and runs to the
driver's side window and grabs her. She drives off quickly, her partner dangling
from the window. BETTY TEMPLETON covers her mouth at the sound of
screeching tires and a crash.)
<SCENE 2>
(MULDER's office. MULDER is sitting at his desk running the slide projector.
SCULLY stands next to him. Two slides of the silver sedan crashed against
a tree. A man wearing an FBI jacket is in the picture.)
MULDER: This is an FBI fleet sedan from our Kansas City field office
requisitioned by two seasoned agents there driven into a tree at 43 miles an
hour by the female agent in a novel effort to kill her male counterpart.
Now, you might think I'm going to suggest psychokinesis-- pk-- someone
or something controlling the agents with remote, mind-bending power.
SCULLY: But it's not?
MULDER: Both agents sustained critical injuries. Their stories eerily
similar ...
(Two slides of the WOMAN WHO LOOKS LIKE SCULLY lying in full body
cast in the hospital.)
MULDER: ... as if they temporarily lost control of their minds unable to
alter their behavior.
(Two slides of the MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE MULDER also in full body casts.)
MULDER: You may think that I'm going to say it's past lives unresolved
or fate, stalking the agents like an animal ...
SCULLY: ... but you're not.
MULDER: No, the interesting thing about these agents is they had worked
together for seven years previously without any incident.
SCULLY: Seven years?
MULDER: Yeah, but they are not ... romantically involved if that's what
you're thinking.
SCULLY: Not even I would be so farfetched.
(The next slide shows that the two agents are in the same hospital room,
with their matching injuries.)
MULDER: You have any ideas, Scully, any thoughts?
SCULLY: What I'm thinking, Mulder, is how familiar this seems. Playing
Watson to your Sherlock. You dangling clues out in front of me one by one.
It's a game, and... and, as usual, you're, you're holding something back from
me. You're not telling me something about this case.
MULDER: (finger to his mouth) Hmm...
SCULLY: Okay, so these agents were investigating something.
(MULDER chuckles.)
SCULLY: Something... much like what they themselves were almost killed
by. Uh, something they came into contact with. Uh... Third party?
(MULDER, playing with her, holds up two fingers.)
SCULLY: Two third parties. Twins? Relatives? A doppelganger?
(MULDER shakes his head and taps his nose.)
SCULLY: (like she's playing Twenty Questions) A corporeal likeness
that appears unbidden from the spirit world the sight of which presages
one's own death or... a double, conjured into the world by a technique
called bilocation ...
(MULDER stops teasing and looks up at her in awe as she continues on
her roll.)
SCULLY: ... which in psychological terms represents the person's secret
desires and impulses committing acts that the, uh, real person cannot
commit himself ... or herself?
(MULDER smiles at her.)
SCULLY: Mulder, the slide, please.
(MULDER advances the projector to show a slide of the Kansas driver's
license of BETTY TEMPLETON.)
SCULLY: (proudly claps her hands) Yes!
MULDER: (pouting) Don't go thinking I'm going to start doing the autopsies.
(SCULLY looks smug.)
<SCENE 3>
DOWNTOWN KANSAS CITY
(LULU PFEIFFER, wearing a blue shirt, pulls up in front of Koko's Copy
Center. She gets out of her blue convertible and enters the store. She
finds TOM, the FIRST KOKO'S MANAGER. A "Help Wanted" sign is in
the window.)
LULU PFEIFFER: Excuse me. Hi, I applied for the sales job you posted.
FIRST KOKO'S MANAGER: Ah, yeah, I remember. How could I forget?
LULU PFEIFFER: Excuse me?
FIRST KOKO'S MANAGER: Uh, there's a problem with your application
as I recall, Miss...
(He looks at a folder.)
LULU PFEIFFER: Pfeiffer. Are you sure?
FIRST KOKO'S MANAGER: Lulu Pfeiffer. Yes, you reside at 15527
Moreton Bay Street?
LULU PFEIFFER: Not any longer, I've moved.
FIRST KOKO'S MANAGER: You moved?
LULU PFEIFFER: Yes, and I don't have my new address yet.
FIRST KOKO'S MANAGER: Actually, Miss Pfeiffer, that's what's sending
up the red flag. You move a lot and there's also your employment history--
17 jobs in 17 states in the past three years? You seem to have as many
jobs here as you have addresses.
LULU PFEIFFER: I had a restless streak.
FIRST KOKO'S MANAGER: Well, the copy business takes a motivated person.
LULU PFEIFFER: Oh, I'm an extremely versatile employee as you can see
by my resume.
FIRST KOKO'S MANAGER: Well, what I can tell is you've left a variety of
jobs: Mongolian barbecue chef, high-rise window washer, wild animal trainer,
palm reader.
(All the machines around them start beeping.)
LULU PFEIFFER: Yes, but I am on a career path now.
SECOND CUSTOMER: Hey, what's going on here? All my copies are black!
THIRD CUSTOMER: My machine's going crazy.
FEMALE CUSTOMER: Who's running this place?
(The FIRST KOKO'S MANAGER turns in desperation to LULU PFEIFFER.)
FIRST KOKO'S MANAGER: I can start you immediately. There's a clean
uniform in the employee washroom.
(LULU PFEIFFER beams as the MANAGER runs off to deal with the problems.
Her expression sours as she sees the red convertible driven by BETTY
TEMPLETON pull up outside the store. BETTY TEMPLETON looks at the
address and checks the wanted adds in the paper she has with her. Just
then, the harried MANAGER removes the "Help Wanted" sign from the window.
Papers are flying behind him. BETTY TEMPLETON scowls and drives off.)
<SCENE 4>
(Another branch of Koko's Printing. BETTY TEMPLETON is talking to the
SECOND KOKO's MANAGER, TIM.)
SECOND KOKO'S MANAGER: That's quite a string of positions you've had,
Miss... Templeton. 17 jobs in the last three years.
BETTY TEMPLETON: I would've listed more but there wasn't any room
left on your form.
SECOND KOKO'S MANAGER: 17's plenty, believe me.
BETTY TEMPLETON: I think you'll find my former employers will only give
the highest personal references.
SECOND KOKO'S MANAGER: It's not your references, it's the jobs themselves.
Mongolian barbecue chef, high-rise window washer, wild animal trainer?
BETTY TEMPLETON: I'm a highly versatile employee.
SECOND KOKO'S MANAGER: What guarantee do I have that you won't
just up and quit tomorrow?
BETTY TEMPLETON: You have my personal word on it. I'm here in
Kansas City to stay.
(The MANAGER nods, unconvinced.)
<SCENE 5>
PORCHERIE HOTEL
9:17 PM
(Old hotel. BERT ZUPANIC, a large, very strong looking man well into his
forties, is in a room counting a lot of money into a briefcase. A giant neon
"W" flashes behind him. There is a knock at the door..)
BERT ZUPANIC: Who is it?
MULDER: (voice) Mr. Zupanic, it's the FBI.
BERT ZUPANIC: (panic) Excuse me?
MULDER: (voice) It's the FBI, Mr. Zupanic. Open up.
BERT ZUPANIC: Give me a minute.
(Nervously, BERT ZUPANIC packs the money away and goes to open the
door for MULDER and SCULLY.)
MULDER: Bert Zupanic?
BERT ZUPANIC: Yeah?
MULDER: We're hoping you can help us find the whereabouts of a woman
we think you're familiar with, a Betty Templeton.
(MULDER holds up a photo.)
BERT ZUPANIC: I don't know no Betty Templeton.
SCULLY: Maybe you should take another look at that photograph,
Mr. Zupanic. Five-foot three, red hair. Maybe I can jog your memory.
(SCULLY holds up a newspaper photo. It is of BERT ZUPANIC and either
LULU PFEIFFER or BETTY TEMPLETON waving from a car in a Fourth of
July parade. The car's banner says ZUPANIC.)
SCULLY: Are you still pleading ignorance, Mr. Zupanic? Is that not you
in last year's Fourth of July parade?
BERT ZUPANIC: Yeah.
SCULLY: And who's that sitting next to you?
BERT ZUPANIC: Her?
SCULLY: Try Betty Templeton. We can't find her, Mr. Zupanic.
She seems to have left town in a hurry.
BERT ZUPANIC: She did?
SCULLY: Mm-hmm.
BERT ZUPANIC: Didn't she used to live on Moreton Bay in a pink house?
SCULLY: Alderwood, blue house.
BERT ZUPANIC: (surprised) On Alderwood?
SCULLY: Mr. Zupanic, do you have any reason to be lying to us?
BERT ZUPANIC: No, sir. I mean, ma'am.
(MULDER nods.)
SCULLY: Thank you, Mr. Zupanic. I've no doubt we'll be in touch with you.
(BERT ZUPANIC closes the door and MULDER and SCULLY walk down
the hall to the elevator.)
MULDER: You know what I'm thinking?
SCULLY: That Mr. Zupanic not only knows Betty Templeton and where
we can find her but that he is hip to whatever she's into and that I should
take a look at that house he mentioned on Moreton Bay Street while you
go and find out from Mr. Zupanic what it is exactly that he's clearly hiding
about Betty Templeton.
MULDER: I'm thinking that Bert Zupanic really truly doesn't know Betty
Templeton.
(The elevator opens and SCULLY enters it.)
SCULLY: Well, I guess that's why they put the "I" in the FBI.
[CarriK squeals in nostalgic ecstasy.]
[TD NOTE: Mulder said almost exactly the same thing in "The Pilot".]
(MULDER looks up quickly as he hears something down the hall. As the
door closes on SCULLY, MULDER ducks out of sight. As MULDER watches,
BERT ZUPANIC leaves his apartment and enters the elevator. Fast elevator.
As soon as he is gone, MULDER then goes to the apartment door again.)
<SCENE 6>
FROGGY'S BAR
(Average bar. Bar glasses are stacked in a very stupid unstable triangle
formation. BERT ZUPANIC enters with the briefcase full of money.)
JUKEBOX: "I'm going to be standing on the corner of 12th and Vine
Going to be standing on the corner of 12th Street and Vine."
BERT ZUPANIC: Let me get a double, Freddie.
FREDDIE: I thought you're in training, Bert, my man.
BERT ZUPANIC: Would you just pour?
JUKEBOX: "Well, I might take a train
I might take a plane
But if I have to walk
I'm going just the same
I'm going to Kansas City,
Kansas City here I come."
(BERT ZUPANIC approaches BETTY TEMPLETON also sitting at the bar.
She is still wearing her red and blue Koko's uniform shirt. He sits beside her.
She looks pleasantly surprised.)
BERT ZUPANIC: Nice outfit.
JUKEBOX: "They got some crazy little women there."
BERT ZUPANIC: Freddie, fire in the hole. Seven and seven for the lady
and make it stiff.
BETTY TEMPLETON: (amazed) Oh, my God. How did you do that?
BERT ZUPANIC: Do what?
BETTY TEMPLETON: (tipsy) How did you know my drink?
(He looks at her in shock.)
BETTY TEMPLETON: I feel like you're looking right through me.
Like you're reading my soul like a book.
(She takes another sip. BERT ZUPANIC takes the drink out of her hand.)
BERT ZUPANIC: Maybe you've had enough of that. You are in trouble,
aren't you?
BETTY TEMPLETON: I don't know. I could be. What kind of trouble
are you looking for?
BERT ZUPANIC: You don't want to go home tonight, okay?
BETTY TEMPLETON: It just so happens I don't got a home to go to.
Anyway... I'm Betty Templeton.
(She puts out her hand for him to shake.)
BERT ZUPANIC: Alderwood Avenue?
BETTY TEMPLETON: (pulls her hand back, freaked) My God.
(He laughs.)
BETTY TEMPLETON: I'm shaking.
BERT ZUPANIC: "Betty Templeton." Oh, that's perfect.
(BETTY TEMPLETON looks up as LULU PFEIFFER enters the bar.)
BETTY TEMPLETON: (whispering into BERT ZUPANIC's ear) I got to
take care of...
(He chuckles. BETTY TEMPLETON and LULU PFEIFFER glare at each
other across the room. Suddenly, the bar begins shaking, then explodes
in violence. The stupid pyramid of glasses explodes and tables fall.
LULU PFEIFFER leaves the bar, and the shaking stops.)
(Commercial 1.)
<SCENE 7>
PAT DEVINE'S
KANSAS CITY AUDITORIUM
(Almost empty wrestling arena. A man is sweeping. SCULLY enters and
hears two men laughing and talking. She looks around.)
MULDER: Hey, Scully!
(MULDER is casually sitting in one of the sections talking to an
cigar-smoking, older African-American man, ARGYLE SAPERSTEIN.
SCULLY walks up the stairs toward them.)
MULDER: I want you to meet a buddy of mine. It's Mr. Argyle Sapersteen.
SAPERSTEIN: (correcting MULDER) Stein.
MULDER: Saperstein, excuse me.
SAPERSTEIN: Ma'anish ta na.
[TD NOTE: Hebrew, I'm told it means "Yeah, so what else is new?".]
MULDER: This is my partner, Dana Scully.
SAPERSTEIN: Pleasure and an honor.
SCULLY: So I take it from your posture, Mulder, you've solved this case.
MULDER: Not solved it, but I have narrowed down the search for our
perpetrator with the kind help of Mr. Saperstein here.
SCULLY: Narrowed it down to where?
SAPERSTEIN: (indicating the wrestling ring) Right down there.
MULDER: Our mystery woman is indeed involved with Mr. Bert Zupanic,
the man we spoke to at his hotel, who will be fighting here two days hence
with the mystery woman almost undoubtedly in attendance.
SAPERSTEIN: If it's the lady I'm thinking, she's not much to look at,
but he says she brings him luck.
SCULLY: Bert Zupanic is a boxer?
SAPERSTEIN: A wrestler-- semipro.
SCULLY: So what? We wait around Kansas City for a couple of days until
we can talk with this woman?
MULDER: Well, there's lots to do here, and the barbecue's second to
none right, Mr. Saperstein? Plus Mr. Saperstein's going to show me some
in-your-face, smack-down moves so I can quit getting my ass kicked so often,
right? Oh, and there's an art exhibit that traces the influence of Soviet art
on the American pop culture, right? Unless, of course you've already found
Betty Templeton.
SCULLY: Well, finding Betty Templeton won't solve this case, Mulder.
Not unless we find Lulu Pfeiffer.
MULDER: Who's Lulu Pfeiffer?
SCULLY: Our doppelganger who lived, until yesterday in a pink house on
Moreton Bay Street, but she's not a manifestation, Mulder, she's real and so
is the path of destruction that she's left in her wake. Though there seems
to be no connection of any kind between these two women, Betty Templeton
and Lulu Pfeiffer have traveled city to city across 17 U.S. States, one
alternately trailing the other for the past 12 years and wherever they have
been, mayhem has followed.
[CarriK: Ooops. Someone in continuity messed up. Betty was in the pink
house and Lulu in the blue.]
SAPERSTEIN: Damn.
SCULLY: It's not just car accidents and fistfights, Mulder. It's house
fires and explosions and even riots.
SAPERSTEIN: The lady knows her stuff.
(MULDER and SCULLY share a look. MULDER gets up to follow SCULLY.)
MULDER: Sholom alecheim.
SAPERSTEIN: Yeah. Yo' mama.
(MULDER and SCULLY glance back up at him, then leave the auditorium.
SAPERSTEIN watch them go, then dials his cell phone.)
(BERT ZUPANIC's hotel room. Phone rings. BERT ZUPANIC is in bed
with BETTY TEMPLETON. He wakes up and answers the phone.)
BERT ZUPANIC: (on phone) Hello?
SAPERSTEIN: (on phone) Where's my money?
BERT ZUPANIC: (on phone) I got it. I'm bringing it.
SAPERSTEIN: (on phone) Yeah, that's what I heard last night.
Now you got the feds on your ass.
BERT ZUPANIC: (on phone) What?
SAPERSTEIN: (on phone) Good luck charm don't sound so lucky no more,
Boychick. Maybe I should cancel the fight.
BERT ZUPANIC: (on phone) I'm bringing the money, okay? I'm bringing it.
SAPERSTEIN: (on phone) I'm having lunch at Froggy's. No money,
no fight, Titanic.
(SAPERSTEIN hangs up.)
(BERT ZUPANIC sighs and hangs up also.)
BETTY TEMPLETON: Are you in trouble or something?
BERT ZUPANIC: I'm just, uh... I got to be somewhere, okay?
BETTY TEMPLETON: Why? What time is it? Oh, God, I'm going to be late
for work!
(She leaps out of bed and grabs her red and blue Koko's uniform.
She pauses and leans down to kiss BERT ZUPANIC.)
BETTY TEMPLETON: You were incredible. Why do I find myself so wildly
attracted to you, Bert Zupanic?
(He kisses her passionately.)
BERT ZUPANIC: You just can't help yourself, baby.
(He playfully pushes her to the bathroom. As she enters it, there is a
knock at the door. BERT ZUPANIC opens it. It is LULU PFEIFFER in
her Koko's uniform. She looks pissed. BERT ZUPANIC is stunned.)
LULU PFEIFFER: Where were you last night?
BERT ZUPANIC: Where was I?
LULU PFEIFFER: Yeah.
BERT ZUPANIC: Well...
LULU PFEIFFER: You said, "meet me for a drink."
BERT ZUPANIC: I-I...
LULU PFEIFFER: That's what you said.
BERT ZUPANIC: (defensive, covering) I was there and I was waiting on you.
LULU PFEIFFER: (jealous) Are you two-timing me, Bert?
BERT ZUPANIC: How can you say that? You're my good luck charm.
LULU PFEIFFER: Who is she?!
BERT ZUPANIC: "Who is she?"
LULU PFEIFFER: (crying and screaming) You do not want to get in the
ring with me, mister!
(She bends down and looks under the bed.)
BERT ZUPANIC: Honey, listen. Come on, baby, there's nobody under there.
You're acting crazy, sweetie!
(She finds a Betty Boop hairclip in the sheets.)
LULU PFEIFFER: Hey, I know this hairpin.
BERT ZUPANIC: Oh, I can explain that.
LULU PFEIFFER: (all affectionate, hugging him) You lovable lug, Bert
Zupanic. I'm sorry, baby. This is mine.
(She jumps into his arms and kisses him.)
BERT ZUPANIC: Of course it is.
LULU PFEIFFER: I just get so jealous. You forgive me?
BERT ZUPANIC: I forgive you. I'm in training. You got to go to work.
You're late.
LULU PFEIFFER: No. I'm just so wildly attracted to you, Bert Zupanic.
BERT ZUPANIC: Hey, listen, good looks and charm-- what's not to love,
all right?
LULU PFEIFFER: There's a lot to love.
BERT ZUPANIC: I know. Go on.
LULU PFEIFFER: But you are...
BERT ZUPANIC: No, you have to go.
LULU PFEIFFER: Will you call me at least?
BERT ZUPANIC: You bet. I'm on the phone now, okay? Bye, baby.
(With a sigh, he finally gets her out the door and closes it. As BETTY
TEMPLETON comes out of the bathroom, [Quick Shower!] we hear a very
loud argument going on in the room above them.)
BETTY TEMPLETON: Bert, did I hear voices?
BERT ZUPANIC: Voices? I didn't hear any voices.
(Above them, the arguing gets louder. Then gunshots. BERT ZUPANIC and
BETTY TEMPLETON clutch each other protectively as several bullet holes
appear in the ceiling.)
BERT ZUPANIC: Oh.
<SCENE 8>
(Froggy's Bar. The unstable pyramid of glasses is back. A country song
playing on the jukebox. SAPERSTEIN is at the bar eating lunch. BETTY
TEMPLETON, still in her Koko's uniform, enters.)
SAPERSTEIN: Where's "The Titanic?"
BETTY TEMPLETON: (confused) What?
SAPERSTEIN: Your boyfriend, the wrestler.
BETTY TEMPLETON: Wow, talk about moves. I can't believe it.
We barely just met.
SAPERSTEIN: He's supposed to meet me, here.
BETTY TEMPLETON: He's coming here?
SAPERSTEIN: He'd better be, if he wants that fight Saturday night.
BETTY TEMPLETON: (happy nervous) I better go freshen up a little.
I was just coming in for lunch.
(She heads to the restroom. BERT ZUPANIC enters the bar carrying the
briefcase of money. He joins SAPERSTEIN.)
SAPERSTEIN: Zupanic, hey. Thought you were a no-show.
(BERT ZUPANIC chuckles and sets the briefcase on the bar.)
SAPERSTEIN: Talking to your girlfriend.
BERT ZUPANIC: My girlfriend?
(The bar suddenly begins shaking and rumbling.)
SAPERSTEIN: Holy sugar.
(The rumbling stops after a moment. LULU PFEIFFER, in her Koko's uniform,
enters the bar. SAPERSTEIN stares at her.)
SAPERSTEIN: Now, how did she do that?
BERT ZUPANIC: Do what?
SAPERSTEIN: I just saw her. I swear, I just saw her go to the can.
BERT ZUPANIC: She... just went... to the can?
SAPERSTEIN: Ten seconds ago.
(BERT ZUPANIC goes over to LULU PFEIFFER and starts moving her out
of the room.)
LULU PFEIFFER: What are you doing here?
BERT ZUPANIC: I have a business meeting. Why don't I meet you outside
in the park?
LULU PFEIFFER: Uh, I was just going to get some lunch.
BERT ZUPANIC: Perfect, we'll have a picnic.
LULU PFEIFFER: A picnic? We never do that.
BERT ZUPANIC: Oh, yeah...
(He chuckles as he gets her out the door and closes it behind her, then
heads back to SAPERSTEIN.)
BERT ZUPANIC: Now.
(BETTY TEMPLETON comes out of the bathroom and sees BERT ZUPANIC.)
BETTY TEMPLETON: Bert?
(The rumbling starts again.)
BERT ZUPANIC: I have a little business to attend to, sweetie.
SAPERSTEIN: You got more than that to attend to.
(They look over to where LULU PFEIFFER has come back in.)
LULU PFEIFFER: Hey, Bert, I only got an hour...
(She stops as she sees BETTY TEMPLETON. The rumbling increases as
the two women stare at each other, then the bar again explodes, the pyramid
of glasses shattering. Some of the flying debris hits BERT ZUPANIC knocking
him to the floor unconscious. BETTY TEMPLETON and LULU PFEIFFER
leave through different doors and the rumbling stops. SAPERSTEIN takes
the briefcase from BERT ZUPANIC and leaves.)
(Froggy's Bar. Later. MULDER and SCULLY have arrived. Everyone is
in varying stages of shock and cleaning up. BERT ZUPANIC is still lying
on the floor. He wakes up groggily as SCULLY feels his pulse in his neck.)
SCULLY: Mr. Zupanic?
BERT ZUPANIC: Hmm. What, uh... What happened?
SCULLY: Uh, there was an incident. You were struck by flying glass.
(BERT ZUPANIC looks around for his missing briefcase.)
MULDER: Did you lose something?
BERT ZUPANIC: Yeah. My good luck.
SCULLY: Would that be Betty or Lulu, Mr. Zupanic?
(He looks up at her.)
SCULLY: 'Cause they're the ones who caused this and they'll do it again
if we can't find them. Where are they, Mr. Zupanic?
<SCENE 10>
(BETTY TEMPLETON's Koko's. MULDER enters and finds the MANAGER.)
MULDER: (showing badge) Excuse me. FBI.
SECOND KOKO'S MANAGER: Can I help you?
MULDER: Yes, I'm looking for...
(MULDER sees BETTY TEMPLETON working.)
MULDER: ... that girl.
SECOND KOKO'S MANAGER: Betty. This man's from the FBI.
(The MANAGER leaves them.)
MULDER: Betty Templeton?
BETTY TEMPLETON: I'm just getting off work. Could we maybe talk
some other time?
(She starts to walk away. He stops her.)
MULDER: I think we both know why I'm here.
BETTY TEMPLETON: (angry) It's her fault!
MULDER: Lulu Pfeiffer.
BETTY TEMPLETON: She follows me around trying to ruin my life.
I'm not going to let her ruin it this time. It's either me or her. I don't
want to leave Kansas.
(She leaves the store. MULDER follows her up the stairs outside and takes
out his phone and dials. BETTY TEMPLETON looks over her shoulder at
him nervously as she heads for her red convertible.)
SCULLY: (on phone, voice) Scully.
MULDER: (on phone) Hey, Scully. I found her at Koko's Copy Center.
(SCULLY is also at a Koko's, watching LULU PFEIFFER drive away in her
blue convertible.)
SCULLY: (on phone) Betty Templeton?
MULDER: (on phone) Yeah. She says that Lulu Pfeiffer's trying to ruin
her life. She follows her wherever she goes.
SCULLY: (on phone) Well, Lulu Pfeiffer works at Koko's, too. And that's
exactly what Lulu says about Betty, Mulder. Except she says that this is
the end of the line, that she's not leaving Kansas.
MULDER: (on phone) That's exactly what Betty said.
SCULLY: (on phone) What's going on here?
MULDER: (on phone) I don't know, Scully. You're running this show.
Why don't you tell me?
(BETTY TEMPLETON gets into her car.)
SCULLY: (on phone) Well, I think that this is more than just physical
proximity, Mulder. I think that these women have some kind of a psychic
connection.
MULDER: (on phone) No (static), Sherlock. Hey, Scully, uh... where's
Lulu?
SCULLY: (on phone) She just took off, Mulder. She left work and she
drove away.
MULDER: (on phone) She wouldn't be driving a little blue convertible,
would she?
SCULLY: (on phone) That's exactly what she's driving.
(At that moment, LULU PFEIFFER slows to a stop on the other side of the
street. MULDER, phone still at his ear, stands between the two cars.
The two women stare at each with hatred.)
MULDER: Oh, crap.
(Rumbling starts. A nearby manhole cover explodes upward and MUDLER
is knocked to the ground. Bits of trash are suddenly sucked into the manhole,
then MULDER feet first. The manhole cover slams back down, and the two
women speed away in opposite directions.)
(Commercial 2.)
<SCENE 11>
(SCULLY arrives at BETTY TEMPLETON's Koko's Copy Center. She gets
out of her car, looks around unsuccessfully for MULDER, standing on the
now-closed, still smoking manhole where we saw MULDER disappear.
She enters the store and goes to the MANAGER.)
MANAGER: Can I help you?
SCULLY: Uh, yes. I'm looking for someone. He was here speaking to
an employee and, uh, I can't seem to reach him.
MANAGER: Tall guy, dark hair?
SCULLY: Yeah.
MANAGER: He left.
SCULLY: And you don't know where he went?
MANAGER: Couldn't say. However... I can tell you we have a two-for-one
copy discount in effect.
(SCULLY smiles.)
SCULLY: How about Internet access?
MANAGER: Right this way.
<SCENE 12>
KANSAS CITY PENITENTIARY
7:32 PM
(A PRISON GUARD escorts SCULLY into a cellblock.)
SCULLY: Is he in there?
PRISON GUARD: Yeah. Sleeping.
SCULLY: Can you wake him up for me?
PRISON GUARD: (not thrilled) Sure you want to do that?
SCULLY: It's important.
ANGRY BOB DANFOUS: (yelling from a cell off screen) Will you two shut
up or go away!
(SCULLY goes up to the cell indicated by the GUARD. The GUARD leaves.)
SCULLY: Mr. Danfous?
(ANGRY BOB rushes the bars, screaming at her. As a matter of fact,
he screams all of his lines. He is about 60.)
ANGRY BOB DANFOUS: The sound of your voice is like a jackhammer
on my eardrums!
(Pause.)
SCULLY: (very pleasant, very forced smile) Mr. Danfous, I'm Special
Agent Dana Scully with the FBI.
ANGRY BOB DANFOUS: (screaming) What's so special about you?!
SCULLY: It's an FBI title, sir.
ANGRY BOB DANFOUS: I know it is. I'm not stupid!
SCULLY: Mr. Danfous, if you'll let me explain why I'm here we might be
able to get you to bed a little bit sooner.
ANGRY BOB DANFOUS: (sarcastic screaming) Ah, what a relief!
SCULLY: Mr. Danfous, through a lot of matching-up of documents that I
have been able to compile on the Internet, and by comparing time and space
and circumstance and by liberally applying the law of averages...
ANGRY BOB DANFOUS: They could electrocute me quicker!
SCULLY: I believe that you may be the father of two daughters.
(Long pause.)
ANGRY BOB DANFOUS: I'm no father!
SCULLY: Using documents filed by a sperm bank in Sparta, Illinois and
by the mothers who may have been impregnated by your donation...
ANGRY BOB DANFOUS: I Yankee Doodled into a plastic cup!
SCULLY: Well, be that as it may, sir, it is very likely that you are the
biological father. And it is very important for their safety and for the
safety of others that we get as much information as possible about your
mother and your father and anything about your family tree that may be
able to explain the reactions that are being caused by these two girls.
ANGRY BOB DANFOUS: A big, ugly dog lifted its leg on my family tree.
(SCULLY has no response for that one.)
ANOTHER INMATE: Make room for daddy!
ANGRY BOB DANFOUS: Shut up, you fat ox!
<SCENE 13>
(BERT ZUPANIC's room. BETTY TEMPLETON comes down the hall and
knocks. No response. She knocks harder. BERT ZUPANIC opens the door.)
BERT ZUPANIC: Hello.
BETTY TEMPLETON: You aren't answering your phone?
BERT ZUPANIC: I'm just screening my calls.
BETTY TEMPLETON: You sleep with me once and now you're avoiding me?
BERT ZUPANIC: I got... big trouble, baby. I got just one shot left at the
big time. Just one.
BETTY TEMPLETON: But you got your match tonight. Your name's up
on the marquee!
BERT ZUPANIC: (verge of tears) I've lost my financing. You're my good
luck, baby.
BETTY TEMPLETON: I am?
BERT ZUPANIC: It was my good luck to meet you and if you could just...
if you could help "The Titanic" find a way...
BETTY TEMPLETON: Find a way?
BERT ZUPANIC: They say I'm old. I'm washed up. All I want's a shot.
If I don't get the money I'm gonna lose my chance.
BETTY TEMPLETON: Maybe I can.
(She kisses him, then goes back down the hall. BERT ZUPANIC closes
the door and sits back down in his dark room, wallowing in his depression.
Behind him through the window, the neon sign flashes. There is another
knock at the door. He answers it. It is LULU PFEIFFER.)
LULU PFEIFFER: (angry) You're not answering your phone?
BERT ZUPANIC: Lulu?
LULU PFEIFFER: Someone else you were expecting? Well?
BERT ZUPANIC: Baby, I got trouble. I got big trouble.
(CUT TO: BETTY TEMPLETON breaking into the Koko's Copy Center and
operating one of the machines. She begins running off high quality copies
of $100 bills with the lid open. Camera rises up again and we see that LULU
PFEIFFER is doing the same thing at her Koko's.)
(CUT TO: The still smoking manhole outside the other Koko's. The cover
is slowly pushed aside and MULDER slowly pulls himself out. He looks a
bit dazed.)
<SCENE 14>
KANSAS CITY PENITENTIARY
11:38 PM
(SCULLY is sitting at a table, still researching. Her phone rings.
She answers it quickly.)
SCULLY: (on phone) Mulder?
MULDER: (on phone) Yeah.
SCULLY: (on phone) Where have you been?
(MULDER is on his cell phone looking in the darkened window of the Koko's.)
MULDER: (on phone) Seeing a side of Kansas City few men have the
privilege to see.
SCULLY: (on phone) What happened to you?
MULDER: (on phone) I got sucked into a storm drain. The more pressing
question is what the hell happened to Betty Templeton and Lulu Pfeiffer?
[CarriK has to laugh. SCULLY doesn't bat an eye at the storm drain news.
Just another day for these two.]
SCULLY: (on phone) I don't know, but I have been able to locate the
nature of their connection. Both women are non-fraternal siblings from the
same father.
MULDER: (on phone) You've located him?
SCULLY: (on phone) Yeah. He's here in the state pen.
ANGRY BOB DANFOUS: (off screen) When is all this yammering gonna
stop?
MULDER: (on phone) And he's given you insight?
(SCULLY gets up and goes to another area of the prison.)
SCULLY: (on phone) Well, the biggest thing that I can figure out right
now is he's probably the angriest man in the world, Mulder.
MULDER: (on phone) Not as angry as those two women are going to be
when they both realize they're in love with the one and only Bert Zupanic.
SCULLY: (on phone) They're both after him?
MULDER: (on phone) Yeah, they're both in love with him. That's why
they're both staying in Kansas City and they won't leave.
SCULLY: (on phone) Well, if they're the reason it doesn't explain what's
happening, what's causing this phenomenon or how we're going to make it
stop.
MULDER: (on phone) Look, Scully, I don't know. You're the one who's
supposed to have all the answers. Somebody's got to get to that fight and
keep those two women apart or else this time the (static) is going to hit the
fans.
(SCULLY is now in a different cellblock.)
INMATE: (seductively to SCULLY) Well, hi.
(SCULLy stares at the INMATE and hangs up.
He is identical to BERT ZUPANIC.)
SCULLY: Mr. Zupanic?
(Commercial 3.)
<SCENE 15>
(Wrestling arena. It is just before the main event. The room is packed
with, could it be X-Files fans? Everyone is yelling and cheering, and
booing. In the background we hear the song, "Kansas City, Kansas City,
here I come ...")
CROWD: Come on, Jimmy! Yay! Yeah!
(Two men are wrestling as BERT ZUPANIC, wearing a red wrestling outfit,
walks dejectedly up the backstairs. SAPERSTEIN comes up to him.)
SAPERSTEIN: You said you'd have my money.
BERT ZUPANIC: I'll have it. I-I swear I will.
SAPERSTEIN: I'll call off the damn fight, Titanic. I'll have these people
cursing your damn name.
BERT ZUPANIC: I'm telling you it'll be here, don't worry. I promise.
BETTY TEMPLETON: Bert! Bert. I got it.
(BETTY TEMPLETON comes running up the stairs holding a plastic shopping
bag that has the Koko's label on it. She hands it to BERT ZUPANIC who
looks inside. It is full of $100 bills. BERT ZUPANIC laughs, delighted and
hands the bag to SAPERSTEIN.)
BERT ZUPANIC: How 'bout your buddy?
SAPERSTEIN: Let's get ready to rumble.
(SAPERSTEIN goes down to the ring as BERT ZUPANIC and BETTY
TEMPLETON embrace.)
BERT ZUPANIC: Oh, baby. I knew you wouldn't let me down.
BETTY TEMPLETON: It's you and me. All the way.
(The bell rings. The other fight is over. The obligatory scantily clad
girls are in the ring as the black-clad OPPONENT enters the ring. He is
wearing a mask over his eyes. Looks like an executioner. The crowd
begins booing. He tosses back his cape and yells, encouraging the crowd,
jumping on the ropes and posing.)
SAPERSTEIN: (on the mike) Ladies and gentlemen, get out your seats
and on your feets for our own hometown boy gone bad... Bert "The Titanic"
Zuuu... panic!
(BERT ZUPANIC enters the ring, his red satin cape embroidered with "Titanic."
The crowd goes wild. Heavy drumbeat music starts.)
BETTY TEMPLETON: (screaming) Titanic!
BERT ZUPANIC: Oh, yeah!
CROWD: Let's take 'em, baby! Let's take 'em, baby! Whoo! Whoo!
Come on!
(BERT ZUPANIC and the OPPONENT talk trash to each other for a moment,
then push at each other. The CROWD is wild. BERT ZUPANIC goes to the
edge of the ring and smiles and points at BETTY TEMPLETON. She waves
to him. The fight begins and the two men wrestle. Please forgive CarriK for
not giving a play-by-play of the match. I believe most FOX stations broadcast
the WWF on late Saturday mornings. Watch that. You'll get the idea.)
[TD: S'okay, hun, we're just happy you bothered with the *rest* of the script!]
BETTY TEMPLETON: (screaming and whistling) Whoo! Go, Titanic!
(In a very cool backlit shot, MULDER enters the arena and finds BETTY
TEMPLETON.)
[TD: With his shirt untucked, CarriK, let's not lose our focus here! This
is to show how difficult his hours in the sewer were, don'tcha know.]
MULDER: Betty Templeton. My name is Fox Mulder. I'm with the FBI.
Can you come with me?
BETTY TEMPLETON: I'm watching the fight.
MULDER: (firmly) Don't make me have to remove you, ma'am.
[CarriK loves it when MULDER is firm like that ... oh, hey hon! Yeah, I'm
almost done.]
(BETTY TEMPLETON sighs, then sees someone behind MULDER.
MULDER turns around as LULU PFEIFFER enters the arena. She is
wearing the same thing as BETTY TEMPLETON, except she has a blue
shirt instead of pink.)
LULU PFEIFFER: I can't believe this. What are you doing here?
BETTY TEMPLETON: What are you doing here? I'm Bert's good luck.
LULU PFEIFFER: He's mine.
BETTY TEMPLETON: Over my dead body.
(The two women begin advancing on each other. MULDER looks at them
for a moment, then puts BETTY TEMPLETON over his shoulder and begins
carrying her out of the arena. She protests.)
BETTY TEMPLETON: Stop it! Stop it! You're going down, lady! I'm going
to kick your butt from here to Tuesday! Stick a fork in you, you're done!
(As they pass the ring, she grabs the corner post and calls up to BERT
ZUPANIC who is still fighting.)
BETTY TEMPLETON: Hi, baby.
BERT ZUPANIC: (surprised) Betty.
(MULDER is trying to pull her off the corner post.)
BETTY TEMPLETON: Bert, keep it up! I love you, baby!
(LULU PFEIFFER also has run up to the corner post, holding up another
Koko's shopping bag.)
LULU PFEIFFER: Bert. I got the money.
BERT ZUPANIC: Lulu?
LULU PFEIFFER: Kick his butt, Bert.
(SAPERSTEIN takes the bag of money from LULU PFEIFFER.
The CROWD begins punching each other.)
BERT ZUPANIC: Lulu.
(MULDER pulls BETTY TEMPLETON free of the post and carries her further
away. She stretches her arms back to him.)
BETTY TEMPLETON: Bert!
(The fighting in the ring escalates, as does the fighting in the crowd.
MULDER pauses and sets BETTY TEMPLETON down as he sees SCULLY
enter with the BERT ZUPANIC-look-a-like, handcuffed, escorted by the PRISON
GUARD. BETTY TEMPLETON stares at the look-a-like. LULU PFEIFFER
comes up behind her, also staring.)
{TD: And don't miss the Bad Ass Look on Scully's face, priceless!]
BETTY TEMPLETON: Oh, my.
LULU PFEIFFER: Oh, my God.
(All around them, the fighting stops, including the one in the ring.
SCULLY smiles smugly at MULDER.)
BERT ZUPANIC: (confused) What?
(BERT ZUPANIC and his look-a-like see each other. Hate at first sight.)
BERT ZUPANIC: (growling) Why...
(BERT ZUPANIC leaves the ring to go attack the look-a-like who pushes
aside the GUARD to get at BERT ZUPANIC. MULDER and SCULLY look
at each other and realize that, truly, the static is about to hit the fan.
The fighting breaks out between everyone. BERT ZUPANIC pushes
MULDER aside to get to the look-a-like. Mayhem ensues. Fade to black.)
<SCENE 16>
(MULDER's office. SCULLY is running the slide projector. We don't see
either of them yet.)
SCULLY: 50 million anonymous donations have been made to sperm
banks across the U.S. Most have produced healthy offspring for single
mothers or fertility-challenged couples while some of them have not.
(Two mug shot slides, one of BERT ZUPANIC and one of the look-a-like,
both holding up prison numbers, both with bruised faces.)
SCULLY: Bert Zupanic and his non-fraternal biological sibling both
small-time bank robbers, part-time pro wrestlers, both with too many
idiosyncratic behaviorisms to list stood a 27-million-to-one chance of ever
meeting but they did.
(Two slides of the two men fighting each other in the auditorium.)
SAPERSTEIN: (voice) Damn, those are some odds.
[CarriK: Why is this man in their office?]
[TD: Beats me, hun, makes as much sense as the rest of the script.]
(Two mug shot slides of very bruised BETTY TEMPLETON and LULU
PFEIFFER and three slides of them fighting, hairpulling, etc. Who took
these pictures?)
SCULLY: Betty Templeton and Lulu Pfeiffer products of different mothers
but the same father-
(Slide of ANGRY BOB.)
SCULLY: ... an angry drifter now doing time for counterfeiting-- chanced
to meet 12 years ago, but couldn't seem to avoid each other's compulsively
identical mannerisms, mannerisms attributable to their perpetually angry
father.
SAPERSTEIN: Mm. What does it all mean?
SCULLY: I've been thinking hard about that, Mr. Saperstein. I would like
to say it has something to do with balance in the universe, the attraction of
opposites and the repulsion of equivalents, or that over time, nature produces
only so many originals that when two original copies meet that the result is
often unpredictable.
(We see MULDER, from the neck down walking toward a chair near SCULLY.
His hand is in a brace. Her face is badly battered and bruised.)
SCULLY: If four should meet, the result is... well, suffice to say it's
better just to avoid these encounters altogether and at all costs. I think
Agent Mulder would agree with me.
(She looks over at her partner. MULDER's face is worse than hers, and his
jaw is wired shut. He makes the only sound he can.)
MULDER: Mm-hmm. Mmmm.
(SCULLY smiles at him briefly. They are in pain.)
[TD: And so are we. Thanks for the setup line, CarriK!]
The End.
Transcribed by CarriK
Cast:
David Duchovny as Agent Fox Mulder
Gillian Anderson as Agent Dana Scully
Guest Cast:
Kathy Griffin as Betty Templeton / Lulu Pfeiffer
Randall "Tex" Cobb as Bert Zupanic
Art Evans as Argyle Saperstein
Jack McGee as Angry Bob
Cory Blevins as Missionary #1
John O'Brien as Missionary #2
Arlene Pileggi as Woman Who Looks Like Scully
Steve Kiziak as Man Who Looks Like Mulder
Nicole Bush as Customer #1
Paul Hansen Kim as Customer #2
John Mack as Customer #3
Brian Chenoweth as Koko's Manager #1
Jim Hanna as Koko's Manager #2
Gene Lebell as Bartender
Christopher Michael as Trusty
Rob Van Dam as Opponent
