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I don't bitch at you about your choice of religion. If you can read then you know that this entire thing is in FUN and you're a moron and a half for telling me I'm breaking the commandments and such crap. I don't believe in your commandments any more than I believe Kurt Cobain is dead. I could just as easily chide you for being whatever you are so before you email me to bitch about how disappointed you are in this site and how you're afraid to come back and look cuz you're afraid of what other little evils I have hidden here, you can eat shit, die, and go to hell with my compliments cuz you're all neo-maxi zoom DWEEBIES who can't see past the ends of your noses. That is all.
Welcome one and all who come in search of the truth! This is the Church of Malkovich - dedicated to our Savior John Malkovich. John Malkovich entered this world on December 9th, 1953 in heathan years - we of the Church of Malkovich prefer to use the Years of Our Lord - so he was born in the Year of Our Lord Malkovich 1. It is currently Year of Our Lord Malkovich 45.
Perhaps you seek the knowlege of our Lord's early life? Grab a seat, get comfortable, and
here we go.....
John Malkovich first was aware of his Savior Status shortly after joining the Steppenwolf Theatre Company many years ago...Humbly, of course, he quietly pursued his stage career - knowing that one day he would be world renowned, loved by all, and there was no need to push himself into the spotlight quite yet.
Finally, after a heart-wretching talk with his dear friend Gary Sinise, John was so moved that he felt he had to give himself up to the fame and glory that seemed inevitable. He wept for joy when he obtained a role in what was to become the first of his many films - The Killing Fields.
Over the course of years that flow through our bodies like water through a funnel - John became more and more widely known. Eventually his fame even spread to the world wide web - Websites began sprouting up - a Fan Club was started, people began to hear more about John and eventually realized that he was the Chosen One! He was the one sent from the Great Big Powers That Be to save us all from sin, opression, starvation, that aweful Celine Dion song from Titanic, and every other plague set upon us! Our worries were over!
The second coming of Our Lord Malkovich shall truly be a sight to behold! By studying charts and reading the works of a wonderfully innovative author, the Commitee of Malkovich Regarding the Second Coming has reached the conclusion that the tenative date for the Second Coming shall be January 13th, 2016 - or The Year of Our Lord Malkovich 63. Prepare for this day, my friends and fellow believers! For upon the Second Coming, Our Lord Malkovich shall strike dead all unbelievers - though it is the firm belief of the Committee of Malkovich Regarding the Second Coming and Who Shall Fry that Our Lord Malkovich will show mercy also on every member of the Church of Buscemi and on Their Lord Buscemi.
If you have felt the light of knowlege blink in your head and feel the need to ask Our Lord Malkovich into your heart to be with you forever, then simply do the following:
#1 - Admit that you are a sinner and need forgiveness
#2 - Ask John Malkovich into your heart
#3 - Forsake all other gods before Him (Steve Buscemi is the only exception)
#4 - Honor your fellow believers and carry the banner!!!
If you have any questions regarding your decision to convert or not to convert, or any questions about the practises of Malkovism, please email me and I will try to answer your questions as best I can!
If you feel the need to display your new found faith in some way on your website - here is a handy little banner:
