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There's something about B. that makes me want to treat her right. You know? I just wanna buy her ice cream and take her shopping and let her keep wearing her soft pink dresses that contrast perfectly with her soft blonde hair. I want to keep her innocence.
I mean, don't get me wrong--there's something about Buffy in leather that just gives me that good down-low tickle, but it's the girlie dresses that really make me want to hug her. Which is wicked strange, cause I've never wanted to hug anyone before.
At the last group home I stayed in, they used to make us hug each other. This counselor, Angela, made us do it every night before bedtime (yes, we had a bedtime, 9:00 and then lights out), and I always chose the biggest and scariest-looking guy there, just to prove that I was a fuckin' badass. His name was Victor, and every time he hugged me he'd hold me real tight and mutter into my hair. And grab my ass, but I didn't really mind that. He was a muffin, in my opinion.
I've never hugged Buffy. I wouldn't know how to go about it, how to just say 'hug me,' and even if I did know a way, I wouldn't say it. I've learned a lot of things in my time, and one of them is never expose a weakness. Not even to people you trust, and I'm not even fully trusting B. yet. I trust her with my life, yeah, but I figure if I ever got in trouble, the real bad kind like back home, she'd be more loyal to her ideas of morality than to me and my sorry ass. And I'd end up screwed, again; and in jail, again.
There are times when I think she wants to hug me. Or touch me, in some way. She's always doing that, finding excuses to touch me-on the shoulder, on the knee, on the back. I wonder if she realizes that. Its like she has to prove that I'm real and stable and there. Or maybe she just likes the way that I feel.
I feel the same way about her sometimes--like she's just so fucking bright and perfect that if I get too close to her she'll explode in a haze of glitter. And that makes me want to touch her, while I still can. Cause her skin is always so golden and warm, and her smile is always so...existent, is the only way I can put it. All-encompassing, like she just reflects all the light in a room.
It makes me wish that I could be around her in the daytime, not just at night on patrol. I've stopped hangin' out at her school, cause it just makes people ask questions that make Giles squirm. So I meet B. at the cemetery at nine, and we go off walking, looking for action. Under the moon she's pale as the fucking stars, and I want to put her out in the sunlight so she can warm up. But I know she's been in the sunlight all day; its me who's been locked away in my motel room all day watching snowy cable.
Sometimes its hard not to touch her. Not to just grab her and hug her, maybe even kiss her. But imagining the look I know she'd give me--scared, like I'm taking advantage of her, even though she wants it too--it just stops me cold, and I have to go beat the living--oh sorry; undead--shit out of some vamp until the urge passes. Its not even just sex with B., though. I don't want it to be Want. Take. Have. Discard.
I just want her to hug me.
