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I know you feel it
This is a serious chemistry
I'm looking at him right now. Xander Harris, the guy who ruined my life. And all I can think about is how much I want to kiss him again.
I remember how he used to kiss me. I replay over and over again in my mind the last time he touched me and held me, the last time we were a couple. Why? Because I'm stupid.
It would help me a lot if he wasn't so imminently kissable. I mean, I guess that I hate him. Why shouldn't I? He totally deserves my hatred. But as soon as I'm done thinking that, we start exchanging insults and he makes some good point about my shallowness or something. Then he smiles at me in that cute little puppy dog way and my heart cracks, and all I want to do is take him in m arms and kiss him like I used to.
He used to be mine. I'm possessive, I know, but he belonged to me. I used to be able to kiss him and touch him and... Even when I was ashamed to be with him I wanted to touch him all the time. When we were together, skin on skin, even if it was just our hands touching, there was this...heat.
Not many people find that . I mean, people feel attracted to other people all the time, but it's not often that you find the person that makes you melt just by brushing his hand against yours. Xander was that to me, and eventually he was more.
I love him. I mean, I did love him. Cause now I don't. Really.
Okay, maybe I do. But I'd never admit that to anyone. I don't even admit it to myself except in the farthest parts of my mind. And even then I try not to acknowledge it. I love him.
I know, I know-I'm the Bitch Queen of Sunnydale High, so this sounds like pure crap when it's coming from me. Cordelia Chase, the girl who has everything, knows everyone, is everything everyone wants to be. But did anyone ever think what I wanted to be? I certainly don't want to be my mother. Or Buffy. And I really don't want to be Cordelia very much, either.
You know who I wouldn't mind being? Willow. I mean, she's a geek and a skank and stuff, but... She was always so pretty, and smart, and she had real, good friends who cared about her. I mean, her wardrobe could use a little tweaking with, and my God, she doesn't even wear make up, but... Still, she's someone I would like to be. And the main reason for that is because Xander loves her.
I mean, this is what it was like with Xander: we'd fight, creating this passion that we would release by then necking in a utility closet (oh, the romance), then we'd fight again and the cycle would continue. And it was lots of fun and eventually the smell of Lysol and floor cleaner became one of my turn-ons, and when I finally fell in love with him (or, finally admitted that I was in love with him) it was everything anyone could wish for in a kiss. But beyond that, the kissing?it was never reciprocated. How I felt, I mean. I never felt that he loved me. Because he never did.
I can tell that he loves Willow. It's all in how he looks at her and how proud of her he is when he talks about her. It's all in how he touches her, when she lets him. I think that he was always in love with her, and I was just too blind to see it. He was too blind to see it, until now, if he even realizes it now. He's so dense, it took him this long to figure out that Willow was a girl.
The way they kissed, what I saw of them on the bed? He loves her. They kissed like all that existed was each other. I know that if I told anyone that, they would say that it was just because they thought that they were gonna die down there, with that creepy vampire, but? I pretty much got the feeling that it was like that every time they kissed. That the world disappeared when they kissed.
God, I don't know why I'm torturing myself. That part of my life is over, and it is far better that way. Xander Harris is a loser. But that's not what I really think of him.
You don't have to believe it
But the truth will set you free
"You're the Zeppo." It was so fun to say that to him, to mock him with his geekiness. Cause he is a geek. But even now, I realize that there is so much more to him. It's in how he stands up for his friends, how he saved my life even when he hated me, how he can stand aside quietly while Oz kisses the girl that he's in love with. It'd help me a lot if I wasn't so damn perceptive. Seeing that pain in his eyes... I hate it. I hate him. But at the same time, I don't.
You know, this is all Buffy's fault. Before she came to town, I only looked down on Xander, not up at him adoringly like I used to. I know that being with him made me a better person-for a while, at least.
I know that I'm not a very nice person. I know that none of my "friends" know or care anything about me. But like I told Buffy, it's better to be alone surrounded by people and looked up to like a queen than to be alone all by yourself, outcast.
But I did have friends, once. Me and Willow, we were like sisters for a while, swapping Xander stories and watching movies in my huge bedroom. That was during the summer, while Buffy was gone. But even after, she always found time for me.
I guess I don't blame her. I mean, Xander can be pretty irresistible when he wants to be. And besides, she loved him her entire life. Having him wanting her and kissing her must have been a dream come true.
You're flashing like white neon in my mind, and it's all right.
Xander is, at alternating times, the perfect guy and the scum underneath school desks. It'd be easier on me, and Willow too, I think, if he was pond scum a lot more often. I mean, he just stands out to me so much. Buffy's White Knight in tarnished armor.
I saw that, you know. When he stood up to Angel in that hospital, last year. That was both the moment I fell in love with him, and the moment I knew he could never love me. I hoped he could, but I knew that he would never be able to. Of course, then I thought he was in love with Buffy. So did he, I think. It must have been easier putting up with that charade than to admit his real feelings.
He still can't tell Willow he loves her. I can't believe him: he chooses now not to be selfish. Or maybe he can only tell her he loves her when she's comatose. Yes, I heard that too. Me, hospitals, and observation, huh? Damn me and my observational skills. Can I never 'observe' a good sale anymore?
Well, I guess I can't. I'm broke. Broke and working at April Fools.
What Xander did for me...I can never repay him for that. He bought me that beautiful dress. Well, he helped pay for it anyway. But he did something for me. Even after I said all those nasty things to him.
I must be spoiled and rotten,
Cause no one else will ever do
Don't you forget-I get what I want
All I want is you
I want him back, dammit! But I'm too proud to say anything to him. I sit and help and focus on Wesley, who is actually very, very sexy. But he's not Xander. So he's not for me.
But then again, maybe he is. I'm too picky, I know. I've always been spoiled, always wanted the thing that I didn't have, was never happy. I'm still not happy. Me and Xander are a lot alike in that respect. He always wants the girl who he can't have, and when he finally got the girl he really loved, he gave her up. What an idiot. A sweet, cute, utterly impossible idiot.
I can't help being who I am. I can't help that I'm the queen of the school, that everyone wants to be near me. It's not fun to mock people I care about just to stay on top of the social order. It's not fun pretending to be something I'm not, pretending to be rich and hateful.
Money. It used to be such a big part of my life, and now I hate it. I guess because I don't have any.
Bring your strawberry cone
And come to the cabaret in my mind
The camera is rolling
The water feels fine
Life is a scary thing. I don't know what I'm gonna do after high school. I can't go to any of the schools that accepted me because I'm broke, and I can't stay home because we no longer have one. It's something I never thought I'd have to deal with, but I have to learn to manage my own life.
I'm thinking of moving to L.A. and becoming an actress. The way I figure it, I've been acting for most of my life anyway, being social-Cordelia. I might as well get paid for it. Besides, it's not like I have any real options. And I bet it'll be easier than getting a real job.
I already know what everyone else is doing. It's all they'll talk about. Buffy was bitching that Wesley won't let her go to Northwestern. Hello? Isn't it, like, his job to make sure she guards the Hellmouth or whatever? She's just always so selfish.
Willow, being the good little Slayerette, is staying here and helping save the world or something. I just don't get her. I mean, averting the apocalypse during high school, when there's not much else you can do for the world is fine, but staying in this little nothing town after that is just?stupid. Oz, being the good little dog that he is, is staying here too. I don't know if it's for Willow or the Dingoes, but either way-please. If he really wanted to be a rocker he's move to Seattle or something. At least to New York.
Xander's going on his little Kerouac road trip thing. It's times like this that I wish I was still dating him, just so that I could express some concern.
You know I'm half-crazy for you
And there's nothing you can do
And now I'm back to Xander. I swear, if he gets himself killed by some gang-banger just because he needs a break from this little town, I'm going to kick his ass.
I know why he's really going. I think everyone does, they just don't admit it. He's trying to forget about Willow, or at least get away from her and her Oz-related happiness. "I think it'll help me to find myself." Please. Xander couldn't find himself with a map. He's just trying to lose Willow.
It won't work. He's loved her since they were five, and that's not something he's gonna be able to just let go of. Hey, check it out. Therapy's actually done some good. I'm able to analyze my friends. How keen, to use a Buffyism.
I don't know if they'll ever get together though. I mean, God help me, I want them to (in rare moments of unselfishness) but I don't think she'll ever be able to forgive him for Faith. I heard about them from Buffy, and I can only imagine how broken up Willow must have been.
When I heard, I cried for the first time since I broke up with Xander. Just really sobbed. It took two whole cucumbers to get my eyes to stop swelling.
I don't know what else happened that night, but something must have gone on between Xander and Willow. The look she's been giving him aren't just you-slept-with-her-after-our-meaningful-affair looks, they're you-broke-my-heart, that-night-meant-nothing-to-you looks. I'd say maybe she slept with him that night, but she's Willow.
I must be spoiled and rotten,
Cause no one else will ever do
Don't you forget-I get what
All I want is you
It's times like this that make me wish I was less picky. Less proud. I mean, being cheated on and dumping him is one thing, but being cheated on and going back to him like a kicked dog is an entirely different thing. I mean, it was one thing knowing that he didn't love me, it was another thing to have it shoved in my face. Besides, how could I be with him when I knew he wanted Willow?
Whatever. It's not like it really matters now. I mean, the end my be drawing near and I'm bitter because of some stupid thing like that? I'm trying to focus, but really, it's hard. If we survive this, I think I want him back. I don't think my own pettiness will matter anymore. I think I'll be able to forgive him.
Of course, he may not want me back. He loves Willow, not that he'll admit it, and he's going to be unhappy until, and unless, he gets her.
I can't care. I need to tell him. I want to tell him before the Ascension happens but I'm afraid. I mean, afterwards, I'm leaving, so I have nothing else to lose.
So it's decided. If we both survive this, I'll take it as a sign that I should tell him. And I will. I'll tell him that I love him.
I hope we survive.
I must be spoiled and rotten,
Cause no one else will ever do
Don't you forget-I get what I want
Don't you forget-I get what I want
All I want is you
