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Reflections Behind a Tear
______It has been three years. Three years since the dragon, three years since I lost my arm, three years since the old man brought me here and told me about fate and my destiny. I have subsequently realized how drastically wrong my views about the Zaibach Empire were.
______Although, there are times when I still think about them; my little brother, my mother...and the kingdom that is supposed to be mine. But I quickly push these thoughts back to the farthest corner of my mind. I have to, if I am to go on. That part of my life is dead to me now.
______It's amazing how one seemingly insignificant event can change your perspective and run your priorities through a wringer. Ever since I heard the legend of Fanelia's first king and the dragonslaying ritual, I've tried to rationalize the exercise. The harder I thought about it, though, the more pointless and futile that rite of passage became to me. Then one day my father died, I was 15 and-being the first-born son-was the rightful heir to the throne so the dragonslaying rite was thrust upon me. It doesn't matter if I haven't figured out yet what the connection between ruling a kingdom and killing that animal was. It wasn't my place to question tradition.
______I mechanically made my way into the forest. It was like I was moving and acting with my mind turned off, I don't even remember how I stumbled upon that dragon. What I do remember is that when I looked into the creature's eyes, I knew my life would never be the same again.
______In that split-second of a glimpse, I saw confusion and fear that mirrored my own. I was surprised for I wasn't expecting such comprehension and sentience.
______The dragon was my key to enlightenment. He inadvertently brought me here to Zaibach where I have found my purpose in life. I am now a willing pupil of Dornkirk, striving to understand the workings of fate. Once we unravel the mysteries of attraction and repulsion, perhaps hate will be eliminated and a period of eternal peace will be ushered in.
______This is why I've buried Prince Folken of Fanelia. Though I am grieving for that part of my life I've now turned my back on, I am convinced that my quest for utopia is more important than ruling over a kingdom which forces innocents to partake in pointless rituals, customs which involve killing creatures perhaps far wiser than us.
______In three years I've learned all I can from Dornkirk. Overcoming the initial shock of the loss of my arm, I've absorbed all that the old man has to pass down. Mastering his philosophy and science with an eagerness that surprised even the old man.
______Today I've turned 18 and Dornkirk has declared that he had nothing left to teach me and that I was now prepared to learn more advanced things.
______And that is how I now find myself here-on the outskirts of the empire, in a sprawling complex mysteriously shrouded by thick gray mists. Outsiders jokingly refer to the place as the Madoshi Academy, but to insiders, it is known as "The Fortress".
______I don't know the exact origin of the name but as I've come to see it, it is called The Fortress because the green-gray walls and the dense fog enclosing the vast compound unyieldingly guard the Madoshi's secrets within.
______Alighting from my vehicle, I've noticed that someone has been sent to meet me. He is tall, reed-thin, bald and bespectacled. He stops within an arm's length of me and bows courteously. Although he doesn't bother to introduce himself, I notice.
______"Before you retire to your quarters," he says, "the Headmaster wishes to speak to you first." Then he beckons for me to follow him.
______The door closes behind me and I find myself in a cavernous but sparsely decorated room. The only furnishings being a wooden bench and table of equal length on one corner and opposite these is a massive shelf housing several scrolls and parchment.
______The room is illuminated by natural light from the outside as the massive double doors to the balcony have been thrown wide open. The Headmaster stands with his back to me, his hands braced on the balcony railing.
______"Dr. Dornkirk speaks highly of you boy." He addresses me without even bothering to turn around. He waves his hand, gesturing for me to join him on the outside platform.
______Getting a better look at him, I now notice that the man is very old. Time has not been kind to him. He is stooped with age, whatever hair he has left is wiry and smoke-gray, his face is wrinkled and lined but his eyes, surprisingly they still have clarity and focus that is rare in people at such an advanced age. They also betray something else-his eyes mirror a cold and unfeeling nature that succeeds in making me uneasy.
______"He says that your comprehension and capacity for science are remarkable.", he continues. "More importantly, we are supposed to guide you and teach you everything for he says that you occupy a vital role in his scheme of things."
______He then faces me. Staring directly into my eyes, he smiles, displaying blackened stumps which were once teeth.
______"However, this doesn't mean that you're not going to abide by rules. There is only one really, so it should be simple." He points outwards. My gaze follows the direction he's indicating, below the balcony, across the garden and further beyond to a door at the base of a bare, squat structure.
______"You can do whatever you want really, go wherever the hell you want to...except to that place. That building, nay, that entire area is off-limits to you. You are forbidden to interact with anybody connected to that place as well. At least, until you are ready."
______"And when will that be?", I ask.
______"When I say so, boy.", the old man answers.
______As if on cue, the door in question opens. Into the garden comes a huge golden-haired dog-man leading a little girl out by hand. As the dog-man pauses to close the door behind them, the girl breaks away from the creature's grip and skips her way to the multi-colored flowers.
______I've done all I can to cope with this gloomy "Fortress". Hah! Fortress indeed, it keeps out every conceivable positive emotion the way the walls and thick air prevent sunlight from effectively illuminating every corner of the complex.
______To prevent my slipping into the pits of loneliness and despair, I bury myself in work and study. After two years, the Madoshi-even those occupying high ranks in the academe-have come to regard me with respect, albeit grudgingly. Although, I must admit they don't say it outright. However, I do notice that they generally leave me alone to deal with my own devices. I am also not as reprimanded as the other novices and am allowed to be more vocal than the others.
______I occasionally receive word from Dornkirk, seeking my advice on possible impediments to his fate-altering device. So, much of my time is spent on my drafts and prototypes that may augment Dornkirk's own machine. At the same time, I've assimilated whatever knowledge the Madoshi chooses to pass down to me. I've even been a breath of fresh air, so to speak, sometimes introducing and improving on the technology they've been teaching for years. But this breath of fresh air is something that isn't welcomed by all, the atmosphere becomes so thick with envy and resentment at times that I can feel it weighing down on me...making everything seem sluggish.
______Still, at the rate I'm going, the committee of elders say that it won't be long before I reach the final stage of what they call the "levels of learning"-when I come under the direct guidance of the Headmaster himself and then graduate into the ranks of the Madoshi. If that means that I can finally leave this place then that's so much the better. I'll do whatever I can to race up those levels.
______But however willing my mind and spirit are, my body though, cannot cope with the continued stress that I make it go through. When this happens, I escape and this is what I am seeking to do tonight. I eagerly shrug off the thick and stuffy black robes that everybody here is forced to wear, preferring to venture forth in my sleeping garments-soft white tunic and brown drawstring trousers.
______Careful not to make any noise, I make my way through the hallways and out into the garden. I breathe deeply, taking in the fragrance provided by the different blossoms. The night is pleasantly balmy, the two moons brilliantly illuminating the cloudless sky.
______I reach my place of refuge-the solitary tree in the garden. I pick a spot to sit and rest my back against the peculiarly smooth trunk. I don't know what type of tree this is, its dense branches and leaves grow umbrella-like stopping a short distance from the ground, providing the perfect hiding place. On the other hand, the inside of this natural shelter is a surprisingly good vantage point for voyeurs, giving the observer a perfect view of the garden, the outlying structures and everything else that one would wish to hide from.
______During times like these, I like to stare at the stars and Tsukino Maboroshi but tonight, I only wish to rest and close my eyes. Letting my thoughts take flight while constantly thanking this tree for shielding me against this cold and distant place and its equally cold and distant people.
______Gradually, my thoughts turn to my pet project of the moment-trying to figure out how to process animal remains and waste as an energy source alternate to energist crystals. Then I hear it, a delightfully mirthful giggling so alien in this glum place.
______I look up to see a girl sitting on one of the tree branches, swinging her legs and smiling down at me. Standing up to get a better look at her, I see that she's not more than nine or 10, blue-eyed with her blonde hair close-cropped like a boy's.
______I decide to join her up the tree, choosing a sturdy branch directly in front of her.
______"You were sleeping!", she tells me, still smiling.
______I was about to tell her that I wasn't sleeping, that in fact I was thinking about fuel and combustion but I quickly stop myself, remembering that she's just a child.
______"Never mind that," I tell her instead. "What are you doing here climbing trees in your sleeping garments?" What are you-a little girl-doing in a place like this period, is what I really want to know.
______All mirth and color begins to drain from her face. Staring fixedly at something far away, she answers my question. "They brought me here.", she says emotionlessly.
______A thousand questions race through my mind. "They? Why? How?..." But before I can ask even one of them, the girl turns to me again, regaining humor as quickly as she lost it.
______"Hey!", she tells me cheerfully, "You're up here too, aren't you? And what are YOU wearing?"
______It feels good to laugh again. It feels good to laugh with her...she puts her hand against my mouth, indicating that I should keep quiet. Her body tenses and I turn to look at what has caught her attention.
______"It's Jajuka.", she whispers, jerking her thumb at the direction of the dog-man. "Hmmph! It took him long enough to find out that I wasn't in my room anymore."
______She begins to climb down the tree then stops to smile at me.
______"My name's Serena. How 'bout you?"
______"Folken."
______"Nice to meet you Folken-san. See you 'round."
______She jumps down from the tree, surprising the dog-man.
______"How many times have I told you, child?", Jajuka reprimands her. "You aren't allowed to venture forth alone, much less at night. Are you listening, child? Should I tell you the rules again?"
______"Alright, alright.", she answers. "Race you to my quarters!"
______She begins to run, leaving behind her keeper who stands shaking his head. Finally, he follows her into the building. As the door closes behind the dog-man, I suddenly remember where I've seen her before-when I first got here. Yes! And that stupid rule. I've forgotten about the Headmaster's rule, so busy was I with hastening my "graduation" from this forsaken place.
______I'm not allowed to speak to her, am I? As I begin to wonder about Serena and the place where I'm not supposed to go, my fingers aimlessly touch my lips-where her hand had been.
______Whoever said that the Madoshi closely guard their secrets was a master of the understatement. After more than a year of snooping around, all I've turned up so far is the name of the structure where Serena is. It's called "The Forbidden Place". Aaargh! I didn't need to eavesdrop to find that out. I don't trust anybody enough to ask about it openly. Nobody talks about what goes on in that place either. If there are documents chronicling the proceedings there then they would logically be within the place itself, I ceratinly haven't found any in the libraries. I still don't know what Serena's role is in all this.
______Serena...What's even more frustrating for me is that I haven't seen her again. I'm beginning to think that I've dreamt it all.
______This new preoccupation of mine has slowed down my progress with my studies. I can almost hear the Madoshi heave a collective sigh of relief, not because they want me to stay here longer but because they're uneasy that I could go through their levels of learning in a few years when it took them decades to master the same.
______At any rate, my sudden disinterest is the reason why I'm being summoned by the Headmaster...at least, I think it is.
______He doesn't even bother to offer me a seat. I've been standing here for minutes now. But all the old man does is write on his parchment with one hand raised-indicating that I should keep quiet and wait for him to finish.
______Finally, he looks up and clears his throat. "So boy, you've slowed down. What is with this sudden lack of interest in your studies?...Wait, never mind, you might get the wrong idea. Don't answer that because I don't care to know."
______"Dornkirk is getting anxious over your sudden change of attitude. He wants you to finish your training here as quickly as possible so you can take your place at his side."
______His tone is purposefully tinged with sarcasm and contempt, I'm doing the best I can to keep still and listen to his drivel.
______"I assured the good doctor that you aren't off track, change of behavior notwithstanding. In fact, I believe that you're ready to go through the final stage. Starting tomorrow, you will report to me directly..."
______I have to tune out, I have to or I might lose it. I feel like the room, massive as it is, is closing in on me. Risking the Headmaster's ire, I look out over the railing and across the garden. Suddenly, my breath gets caught in my throat...the door at the base of the Forbidden Place is open! There she is! It wasn't just my imagination!
______The dog-man is shaking his head at his ward again but Serena isn't taking heed. She's running around the garden, chasing after butterflies.
______The scene makes me smile but this quickly dissipates. I hadn't noticed that the Headmaster had stopped talking, he's staring at me intently now. He turns to look at what has caught my attention then shifts his gaze back to me. He gives me a venomous look, a warning that he knows.
______I'm torn. Dornkirk is becoming increasingly agitated...something about the drama beginning to unfold. An event that may interfere with the Sphere of Absolute Fortune is going to happen, he says. Although he can't yet say when or what this event is, he says that it is imperative for all the players to take their places-including me.
______Therein lies my dilemma. I can't believe I'm saying this but I don't want to leave the Fortress yet. Not without seeing Serena once more.
______Ever since that night in the garden, I haven't had a chance to get close to her again. Sure, I get glimpses of her now and then when I'm at the Headmaster's office and she goes out to the garden but she's never without that dog-man and I can't very well approach her openly in broad daylight. Not with the Headmaster breathing down my neck, watching everything I do, calling it "monitoring my progress".
______Ack! I slap my forehead in frustration. I don't understand what's happening to me. I've been too preoccupied with her that I haven't even noticed the passing of time. It was my birthday yesterday, I now realize. I've just turned 23...it's been three years since that night with Serena.
______I've practically camped out here every night...all for naught, I might add. But I haven't lost hope, something within me is telling me that tonight will be different. It doesn't matter if I've been sitting under this tree for hours now, I still can't shake this feeling that something will happen. I'm not leaving till it does.
______I close my eyes and replay the events that happened three years ago...the twinkle in her eye, her soft giggling, her hand upon my lips...
______"I see you've fallen asleep again, Folken-san."
______I open my eyes and am surprised to find that she has sat beside me without my even noticing it, I was so caught up in my memories. Her presence is not the only surprise, seeing her up-close again I discover that she's grown into a young woman! Yes, it has been that long.
______"You still remember who I am?"
______"Of course.", she tells me. "Although...I was hoping that when I meet you again, you'd still be in your sleeping garb."
______I think my jaw has dropped open. But before I can recover and ask her what she meant, she begins pushing at my bulky robes revealing my cybernetic arm.
______"There.", she says, spreading my mechanical fingers then playfully tapping her palm-up and down and up and down-against my own. "Isn't that better? It's not nice to be covered up on such a stuffy night."
______"You aren't bothered by it? It doesn't...frighten you?"
______"Nope! Look..." She laces her fingers with mine and tells me to squeeze.
______"See," she continues, "it may be cold and tough on the outside but that doesn't mean it can't be gentle...like the rest of you. Besides, you weren't so reserved the last time, walking about in your tunic."
______I can't help but smile at her. "Well I didn't know I was going to have company."
______I clear my throat and try to affect a tone of sternness. "How do you know that I'm gentle? Do you think you already know me in that short span of time that we talked?"
______"Aha!", she exclaims, "I know something you don't. I've been watching you."
______"You've been watching me?", I ask incredulously.
______"Uh-huh.", she answers, "I have hiding places. I see you walking down the halls, and listening to your teachers, and reading in the libraries...and you know what, you always keep your right arm covered, no matter what. You shouldn't be embarrassed by it, it's part of who you are. If they don't like it then that's their problem."
______"By watching you," she continues, "I've come to know that I can trust you. I trust you because you're not like the other people here."
______I've blushed but I don't care if she notices. What she has just revealed to me doesn't anger me. If it had been another person I'm sure I would've been enraged. But the fact that it was her, watching me unseen and unknown by me is curiously thrilling to me.
______She pulls her hand away from mine and hugs herself shivering. I look at her with concern, there isn't any breeze, why...
______"I don't know what I'm doing here.", she tells me. "They're doing something to me, I don't know what. Sometimes I wake up and I'm not in my own clothes...I wake up to find I'm wearing boys' clothing and it's happening more often now. I don't know what happens to me during these...blackouts, I don't know what I do, I don't..."
______She breaks down in tears. I feel myself being consumed by rage, I begin clenching and unclenching my fists in frustration. I don't understand...Is she being violated? Are they conducting tests on her? What is the secret that's being kept within the Forbidden Place?
______But I realize that finding out the answers to these questions is not my immediate concern. I have to calm Serena down first. How do I do that? Of course, get her to think about something else.
______"You know Serena," I tell her, "to get to where I am now, I had to sacrifice a great deal. I had to...(I hesitate for this would be the first time that I would speak about it to another person, but I press on because I feel that I can trust her with anything.)...I had to reinvent my life. I left my family behind. Hey, my brother would be just about your age by now, I guess."
______"Brother? Brother!" She begins to lose it even more, her body violently racked by sobs. What'd I do? Something I said must've triggered some horrible memory. She is now pounding her head with her fists. Not knowing what else to do-and afraid to say anything else for fear that it might upset her further-I hold her tight against my chest, trapping both her hands within mine so she wouldn't hurt herself anymore.
______"Allen, why didn't you help me? Why don't you come for me, Allen?"
______Ouch! I can actually feel it jealousy manifesting itself as physical pain-a pain in my chest like she's just reached out and squeezed my heart. Who's this guy she's calling out to? With much effort, I push this feeling aside. What's important now is to be here for her, to console her. I begin rocking her and stroking her hair. Gradually, she relaxes and returns my embrace.
______She gently pulls away, not completely, just enough to look into my face. I bend to kiss her forehead then proceed to kiss the tears away from her cheeks. But she's the one who presses her lips against mine. Her lips are soft but firm at the same time, her kiss sweet and gentle but clumsy-her inexperience showing. Abandoning all restraints and acting on impulse, I reach out with my left hand to cup the back of her head, pulling her closer into the kiss.
______I can't sleep, I can't stop thinking about her. Oh, Serena...do you know what you're doing to me? Who am I kidding? She doesn't know what she's doing. She's barely out of childhood, for goodness' sake, ten years younger than you man!
______Besides, she kissed you because she was feeling desolate. She's been alone all this time, forced to go through who knows what, all she wanted was reassurance from somebody she can finally trust. She needed to be close to someone. It's not like she's fallen in love with you, I doubt that she even understands what that means.
______I have to stop doing this! I have to give it a rest, hell, I need a rest but my thoughts keep drifting back to her...and that kiss.
______Am I in love with her? Sure there've been wenches and servant girls back when I was a prince of Fanelia but I haven't felt anything like this before. What I am sure of is what attracts me to her. That spiritedness, that joie de vivre that stubbornly shines through despite the hopelessness of the situation she's been thrust into.
______She has been my one source of light in this bleak place and that's why I must protect her. Before they sap all hope from her and break her spirit. I have to get her away from this place and no one can make me do otherwise, not even that putrid Headmaster.
______"He's not feeling well, he can't make it today.", the bespectacled bald guy, whom I assume is the Headmaster's assistant, tells me.
______This is the third day that he has missed, is the old man finally dying? This is all getting frustrating, time is of the essence-no matter how clichéd that sounds. He better not die before I confront him about what's going on in the Forbidden Place.
______I promise I'll take you away from here, Serena.
______(Sigh!) At least they let me stay here, this office really has the best view of the garden. I've always liked looking out to the garden, especially now since it reminds me of her. But I'd much rather see it at night, it loses all mystery during the day. At night, each flower seems to glow, giving off it's own natural light and the garden becomes some kind of surreal fallen rainbow.
______Well, fancy this coincidence! The object of all my ruminations has just stepped out onto the garden with the dog-man in tow. What?...something's not right. Triggered by alarm, I bolt from the bench, reaching the balcony in just two strides. Seizing the railing with my right hand, I jump, never mind that it's a long way down.
______Even while I'm rolling on the ground to offset the impact, I could see that I wasn't mistaken. I did see it, no matter how horrible, I didn't imagine it. She was running after some butterflies and when she had caught one, she put it in her mouth! Even now, the creature's wing still dangles over her lower lip.
______The dog-man has grabbed her chin, trying to force her to spit it out. But upon hearing my approach, he turns and focuses his attention on me.
______"Serena!" I call out but she doesn't respond. The dog-man is standing now, stretching to his full height. He places himself between me and Serena, trying to hide her from view.
______"Please," I tell him, "Jajuka, is it? Jajuka, can I talk to her? What's wrong with her?"
______A couple of academics whom I don't recognize have come out and are now dragging Serena back to the Forbidden Place.
______"Hey, wait!", I shout, preparing to stomp after them. But Jajuka has reached out, gripping my arm with his beefy hand, stopping me dead in my tracks.
______"Please, whoever you are," he tells me softly, "this happens time and again. And when it does, it's always best to just stand back and let them 'fix' her."
______"But..." I start to protest but he just tightens his grip, telling me that he isn't going to give in. I look at her helplessly and the sight chills me to the bone. Her eyes have gone blank, lifeless, empty. Like the light of her being had been turned off. Despair fills my heart. Am I too late?
______"No I am not deaf!", I shout at the assistant. I grab him by the shoulders, shoving him towards the direction of the Headmaster's room.
______"I know he's not feeling well, I don't care. If he doesn't want to speak to me, I don't care either. I'll break down this door and MAKE him talk to me! You hear?!"
______"That's enough, boy!", the Headmaster shouts from within the room. He opens the door and eyes me with obvious amusement. "Don't you know that noise is not conducive to learning? Very well, we shall talk but not here."
______He leads the way to his office and I follow him into the room. He takes a seat on the bench, eyes me and says: "Now then boy, speak up."
______"Serena, don't even pretend that you don't know about her, tell me what you've done to her!"
______"Ah yes, the girl.", he answers. "So my suspicions about you were correct then. You realize of course that I would've told you about her eventually, after you had undergone all the initiation rituals. After all, the Madoshi do not keep secrets from each other."
______"Stow it, old man! Tell me what's wrong with her."
______"Calm down, boy. You know, one of the reasons why I got to be this old is because I never lose it. Okay, okay...I can sense your impatience. Now, where shall I start...oh yes, the Forbidden Place. I am assuming that you, being Dornkirk's fair-haired boy, are well-aware of his life-long quest to control fate?"
______I answer his query with a snort, I'm not up to playing his games.
______"I'll take that as a yes.", he says, "Well, we-being the loyal citizens of the empire-turned Dornkirk's all-consuming vision into our prime directive. However, we believe that controlling fate as a whole is too grandiose a mission. Why not bring it down to the lowest level?"
______I can feel my throat tightening with each word he utters but I need to hear all of it, if I am to help Serena.
______"This is what we have accomplished at the Forbidden Place. We have learned how to change the destinies of individual men."
______Although the maniacal gleam in his eye leaves plenty of room for doubt, something within me tells me that his words aren't just empty boasts.
______"No doubt you're wondering how we were able to do this," he continues, "the course of destiny can be de-railed by controlling the very stuff that makes up life. Oh-ho! I can read surprise written all over your face, boy! Yes we, the Madoshi, have unraveled the very essence of life. Stripped down to the very basic level, every living thing is made up of a delicate strand. This strand, minute as it is, incredibly dictates the makeup of each life form-its color, shape, size...its gender and everything else."
______I feel myself growing smaller and smaller, I wish I was just tucked away safely under that tree again...
______"So boy, by manipulating biological make-up, you end up cheating fate. If a person ceases to exist, so does that individual's destiny obviously. By tweaking the strand of life, you create a new person and with it is attached a new destiny. Are you following this, boy?"
______I turn my back on him and walk away, never mind if I've given him the satisfaction of seeing me broken and defeated.
______"They're doing something to me...I wake up to find I'm wearing boys' clothing"..."If a person ceases to exist...by manipulating biological make-up, you end up cheating fate...This is what we have accomplished." ACCOMPLISHED.
______Forgive me, Serena. It should've been obvious to me, the first time I saw you, that you didn't belong in a place like this. If I had figured that out right then and there then I would've started asking questions and my curiosity would've led me to the truth sooner. But no, I was too selfish. I was too blinded by ambition and too absorbed with trying to get away from here as quickly as possible to dwell on other things, however glaringly out of place they may be. And now it's too late, Serena. I didn't even get the chance to tell you how I feel about you. It's too late. I'm sorry.
______Prodded by illogical optimism or maybe I just want to beat myself up some more, whatever it is, I now find myself heading for the Forbidden Place.
______It is eerie. Before, it would've been nigh impossible for me to enter here undetected. Now the guards and everybody else, for that matter, is gone. Perhaps they've taken off for that much awaited vacation or celebration after seeing all their work come to a fruition. The bastards!
______Eh, what's that? Something like moaning coming from my right, yes, down the hallway. As I reach for the knob, the fact that my hand is trembling doesn't escape me. For a moment I pause, hoping beyond reason that perhaps it's all a mistake. Taking a deep breath, I push...
______I can almost hear it, my hope shattered into a thousand teeny-tiny pieces, like glass flung violently against a brick wall. It's just the dog-man, sitting on the bed and wearing a more pathetic expression than the one I have on. He is cradling a box which I assume contains her things.
______"Jajuka?"
______"You're too late.", he whispers to me without shifting his attention from the box. "She doesn't exist anymore."
______For the second time today, I turn my back on a person who is not done talking me. I walk away not because I'm angry and disgusted like I was with the Headmaster, I'm leaving because I believe him. I know that his grief is genuine, the horror I didn't want to believe in has just been confirmed.
______"Welcome back, Folken-sama. Do you wish to rest now? We've prepared your chambers for you.", Nariya tells me as I enter the room.
______I approach the twins, touched by the gesture, I begin stroking their hair affectionately. However reassuring their purring is to me, I nevertheless tell them apologetically that I wish to be alone now. Obedient to me as ever, the two wordlessly make their way out of the room.
______I know that they're just anxious to see me after all the years I've spent apart from them, but I have vowed never again.
______"When you dabble in science you must be logical, impartial-and most importantly-not be swayed by emotions. If you've ever picked something up from me, let that be it."
______Those were the Headmaster's final words to me and much as I loathe to admit it, I agree with him. I'm not going to let myself get close to anyone ever again, it hurts too much. Besides, it distracts me too much from the cause. If Dornkirk's dream is going to be realized, it needs all the resources of the Zaibach Empire, including me. No more distractions, I have to dedicate 100 percent of my time and energy to our quest.
______But I won't go about it as a member of the Madoshi. I refuse to be a party to their perverted sense of understanding destiny. Sure, mastering destiny is the tool that Dornkirk has proclaimed as that which will end strife. But this doesn't mean that a pure and innocent soul should be sacrificed just to acquire this tool.
______If it does then that's a blatant contradiction of the cause that strives for the betterment of all lives. But the Madoshi, the men of logic that they proclaim to be, do not understand this. And this is why I cannot be one of them.
______Curiously, Dornkirk took my decision quite well. Never betraying any emotion as I explained to him that I am no longer content with merely conducting scientific research. I now wish to play a more active role on the front, marrying the knowledge of science that I have gained to military tactics.
______The old man just waited for me to finish and then told me that all this is well and good, that his vision of the future is not clouded by this new role I wish to play. Hmmm...fascinating old man. In fact, he seemed even more alarmed by my new, ah, "appearance". But this is something I do not wish to explain to him or anyone else.
______Walking over to the other end of the room, I face the mirror and stare at the tattoo. Yes, this is something I won't share with anyone. It's a symbol of what could've been, of all that I had lost. And it's to remind me to never again commit the mistake of getting involved with anybody or anything but the cause.
______But enough introspection, I really do need rest. Tomorrow is my first day as strategist, a new position granted to me by Dornkirk to herald my decision. One of my duties is to oversee a newly formed division called the Dragonslayers. First thing in the morning I would be briefed as to the purpose of assembling this new squad along with the Dragonslayer commander, some fellow named Dilandau...
Blah-blah-blahs from the author:
You know, one great thing about the Vision of Escaflowne series (actually there are countless stuff but I'll stick to this one thing) is that it's so damned open-ended that you can make up your own story and fill-up your own blanks.
Like I was thinking, Folken never explained how or why he got that funky tear tattoo which wasn't there when he was still a Fanelian prince (check out the flashback sequences) or why he left the Madoshi and when I remembered that Dilandau was created by the Madoshi then I thought, hmmm...there's a story here.
Okay, I know some stuff in the fic are screwy. E.g. the timeline, Dilandau should've emerged shortly after they kidnapped Serena because he obviously should've had enough time between then and the war to complete his training with piloting guymelefs. But I made it so that the Madoshi couldn't release him sooner because he lapsed into the Serena persona several times before they finally got it right. I just figured they inputted all of Dilandau's knowledge in between lapses. You know, that sort of screwy stuff. Whatever, this is my copyright infringement of the Esca epic, I can write whatever I want-no matter how illogical.
Seriously, I just kinda enjoyed the irony that the person he loved and lost-the reason why Folken became so distant and tortured-was the same person he's always trying to restrain and rein in. And he never found out!
Plus I found it fun to speculate about what kind of personality Serena had before her spirit was broken by the Dilandau experience.
Anyway, send your comments and criticisms to bibams@hotmail.com. Why? It's a writer thing.