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| There are very few people in the world dumb, sorry, clever enough to bring you a list of quotes this long from HH. If you have any that we've missed and you think should be included, send us an e-mail. We'll add it to the list, and add you to the list of people we know with nothing better to do than get one up on crazy people! |
We will use the following cast names
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So here we go..... |
| Narrator > The guy on the donkey is just a guy on a donkey |
THE PRISON HH> I want to do community service, I want to teach the handicapped how to yodel. HH> The answer's no Gates, even if you bathed HH> What about 'Book em Danno, give a hoot, don't pollute'? 5T> Don't say it Eddie, I'm incredibly sensitive about my F***in figure |
THE CAR HH> What's Nintendo ?  5T> You still got a
thing for those unmasculine European coffees? Who's your buddy ?. HH> The man knows, the
man knows 5T> That doughnut-hole-eating, son of a bitch, take it in the ear for a beer, rat bastard ! HH> It had the perfect amount of foam. |
THE FIVE TONE BAR AND GRILL 5T> Now we're a nice local bar that none of the locals can afford HH> Caesar Mario and Anthony Mario, I didn't know the circus was in town. Caesar Mario> Beat it Tommy, no dinosaurs allowed. HH> You know Caesar, if the Mario brothers weren't New Jersey's third largest crime family , I'd say 'kiss my ass', but considering your status I'll say 'Slurp my butt' |
| Additions from Sean - HardingSD@aol.com
At the Auction house whilst entering.. HH> Hey tommy.. the sign says no horseplay around the pool! HH> Can you give me one good reason why we're up here? After the robbery .... 5T> Did I miss anything? |
THE AUCTION HOUSE HH> Did you have dinner tonight? 5T Why ? HH>'cos this rope only holds 900 lbs ..... Guards> 673 Wongs in the phone book That's a hell of a lot of Wong numbers !!! ..... HH>Better make the whole a little bigger 5T>Don't worry bonehead, I'm wearing a girdle ..... 5T>Oh, am I boring you smartass ? ..... 5T > We've got about 5 minutes and change HH> 5 minutes 32, Swinging on a star 5T > Do you know they invented something while you were inside ? It's called a watch. ..... Big Stan > Get up, you're embarrassing me ..... 5T > Can I ask a question? HH > What ? 5T > I'm not as fat as that guard am I ? HH > Oh no, you're a slender reed compared to that guard! ..... Mr Gates > When's this Sebastian Cabot, Buckingham Palace looking butlerhead, Mother F***er getting here? Alfred > Any minute now Mr Gates Mr Gates> Sorry Jeeves .... Caesar Mario > Lovely work Alfred, You taking the Concorde back ? Alfred > Always Mr Mario. I'm really racking up those frequent flyer points. ..... HH > I didn't want to do it, all I wanted was a cappuccino ..... DM > Waldo 100 000 000 clams ! MM > 100 000 000 and One Waldo DM > Outbid by my own wench, quel bummer MM > Don't hate me baby ..... AB > That was bold of you, you didn't have to do that HH > It was nothing, anybody would have done the same thing AB > No I mean, you didn't have to tackle me and ruin my dress ..... |
THE AMBULANCE HH > uuugghh Menthol ! ..... Girl in Car > Hey Mister are you going to die ? ..... HH > Oh no, how am I driving? 1-800-I'm gonna f***in die ..... HH > Toll both ? .... HH > Caesar , Anthony, are you OK? ... |
FIRST MEETING WITH THE CIA KitKat > My name is Kitkat, this is not a dream ..... GK > You like the company's new look ? I call them the MTV IA Almond Joy > George, you promised, no more old CIA, new CIA jokes .... GK > The last time you saw me I was with a beard and no mustache and I had a different nose, so if you don't recognize me I won't be offended. HH> My high school science teacher? ..... GK > and to quote the late, great Karen Carpenter " We've only just begun" HH > 3 minutes, 4 seconds ...... GK > My employer wants a meeting HH > Your employer ? The president ? GK > No somebody powerful ..... |
MEET THE MAYFLOWERS DM > What can I tell you ? I'm the villain ... MM > Hello. Bunny, ball
ball ..... DM > So Hawkmeister, we've got you clothes, a great hotel and 250,000 Lire per diem MM > That's $200 a day, so he can get a hooker and some tequila ? Veto Darwin HH > Well I can guess we can see who wears the penis in this family ..... DM > I've got myself a new goal, WORLD DOMINATION .... MM> Bunny , ball ball
HH > I think Bunny's got today's ball balls MM > Bad Bunny HH > Oh Bunny you weren't that bad, just 2 more minutes, I was so close ....... DM> Damn photoMat arseholes ...... |
THE VATICAN HH> What do they call you guys, Ig and Ook? ..... HH > The Vatican ? Robbing the friggin Vatican ? The nuns at St Agnes
predicted this. ..... HH > I'm being blackmailed into robbing the Vatican by a psychotic American corporation and the CIA . .... AB > Are you going to tell me why you did that back there or are you going to blame it on Dumbo ? HH > You mean Pokey ?
Can you believe that kooky little elephant ? ..... HH > What in the world is this ? AB > A postal subway HH > Can I get to Time Square from here ? ..... |
THE PIAZZA (PIAZZA NAVONA FOR YOU TRIVIA BUFFS, AND IF YOU'VE BEEN THERE I BET YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A PHONE BOX IN THE MIDDLE OF IT) HH > Pick up the phone
you reindeer, goat cheese eating bastard! ..... GK > God I miss communism, the red threat, people were scared, the agency had some respect and I got laid every night. .... GK > We blow up space
shuttles for breakfast. You and your friend Tommy would be nothing more than a late afternoon Triscuit. .... HH > Hey old man, yeah you, you come back here, without your little cub scout army and I'll kick your CIA ass up one side the piazza and down the other. ..... Butterfingers > Hey Mr Hawk, I got your stamps HH > Goood Yogi. ..... |
ENZO's (ANOTHER FOR THE TRIVIA BUFFS...SABATINI'S) Butterfingers > Come on Pierre, read my lips steak burger, french fries. This is France, you gotta
have french fries Almond Joy > Actually it's Italy Butterfingers, but has that ever made a difference? Butterfingers > Ah, to be in Paris and to be in love ..... HH > I had the worst ketchup whilst I was in prison AB > Prison ? HH > I was a warden ? AB > How long were you in ? HH > Lets just say I didn't see E.T ! .... |
ANNA's FLAT AB > Its been a long time for me HH > It's been a
really long time for me. Outside of a friendly dog yesterday morning, this has been a very
slow decade. If I don't make love every ten years I get a little cranky. ..... HH > I'm not sure I remember how to kiss girls. Not that I ever kissed guys! .... HH > Catholic girls are scary ..... HH > Can't we just go back to the kissing part? ..... Butterfingers > You want me to rape them ? Snickers > Just read your book Butterfingers Butterfingers > Not in a boat, not on a train Not with a goat, not in the rain I do not like green eggs and ham.......... Almond Joy > To yourself! ...... HH > Hey this doesn't taste like cappuccino AB > Oh, I guess I put too much ethyl chloride in it. ..... |
CASTLE DE MAYFLOWER Almond Joy > With all due respect to that great dress....how come you didn't let me cut her heart out? GK > Close call, close call ..... |
THE VATICAN AGAIN Cardinal > The Pope warned me not to trust the CIA |
THE CASTLE DE MAYFLOWER MM> You're a terrible cat burglar DM > Haven't you ever seen David Niven ? Tiptoe in, tiptoe out? MM > Like a cat, one would say HH > I could take it back ..... DM > All you had to do was follow the Hawk. It's not exactly like I said teach our nation's children how to read ! I suppose we're just going to have to kill them. BANG "Igg" ,
BANG "Ook" DM> God Minerva, I was just joking !! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ..... HH > I always did like Franki Valli MM > Big boys don't cry-i-i HH > 3 minutes 27 seconds ..... HH > Look you Eddie Munster looking mother f***er.... .... HH > I want to be treated like an adult DM > That's fair, now go to your room |
THE MAYFLOWER's ROME OFFICE (TRIVIA TIME...BUILDING IN E.U.R DESIGNED IN MUSSELINI ERA TO LOOK LIKE THE COLISEUM) MM > Markets will crash,
crash. Financial empires will crumble crumble HH > Except yours yours ? ..... MM > On display for
three days only at the Louvre in Paris HH > As opposed to the Louvre in Wisconsin ? DM >Shut up your going to make me lose my place. .... DM > I'll torture you
so slowly you'll think it's a career. I'll kill your friends, your family and the bitch you took to the prom. HH >Betty Jo Byarski ? I can get you an address on that if you want ..... 5T > It's better than playing darts with MBA's at the bar. ..... |
ANNA's Flat Again HH > Can't we just have a late night cappuccino ? AB > I'm sorry, but the machine's still set up for poisonous foam ..... 5T > Why don't you come back in a 1/2 hour ? Grab ourselves a shower, some croissants and shit .... 5T > My head against your head ....fair fight .... Almond Joy > I read your dossier , Sister HH > Why did she call you Sister ? AB > I'm sorry Hudson, I meant to tell you Candy Bars > He didn't know, he didn't know Butterfingers > Hawk likes a Nun !!! ..... HH > You probably like Butterfingers over there AB > Yes in a weird sort of Catholic way I do ..... |
THE CASTLE DE MAYFLOWER FINALE DM > Yo flipper, a damsel in distress implies that there's some well hung Dudley Doright galloping up to save you. It ain't going to happen, Hudson Hawk go boom boom, he dead. ..... AB> What does the colour blue taste like? .... MM > Try this one Sister, thou shalt not share .... MM > If you see the big guy, tell him he's a loser. ... HH > Tommy, who are you, Bob Hope at Texaco? .... HH > It's in the hole, the galleries ecstatic, oh he's got to be happy with that one Tommy. DM > Oh yes, If Leonardo de Vinci was alive today, he'd be eating microwave sushi, naked in the back of a cadillac with both of us .... ..... DM > Tommy, you New York Italian, father made 20 bucks a week, son of a bitch ..... HH > Anna , can I ask you something ? Will you play Nintendo with me ? ..... HH > You won't be attending that hat convention in July ! .... HH > You're supposed to be all crashed up at the bottom of the hill 5T > Air bags, can you f***in believe it ? AB > You're supposed to be blown up into fiery chunks of flesh 5T > Sprinkler systems can you f***in believe it ? HH > Yeah, that's probably what happened AB > Drink your
cappuccino 5T > Eddie drink your coffee |
