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My real life, my life at work, and my dreams are beginning to officially blend into a horrible intro to a sit-com. (You know? Like before the show's snappy theme song? Must have something to do with the new nightly ritual of falling asleep in front of the TV while watching back to back reruns of Friends.)
First I dreamed that Cock Eyes and Camel Girl were a couple, she was pregnant, and they knew Dental Chick. (The thing totally pissing me off about this dream is the fact that Camel Girl is my fiancee damnit!) Anyway, for some other strange reason, Camel Girl was working at a hot dog cart outside the offices on our floor. Go figure.
Anyway, I'm smoking a cigarette with Cock Eyes and there's a huge line building up at Camel Girl's hot dog cart, and he's telling me that ever since she's been pregnant, Camel Girl is just sleeping with any guy she runs into. So I lean closer and listen in on what Camel Girl is telling each guy that moves up in the line.
Camel Girl: For a good time, call me at 999-8888...
And I'm like, "Cock Eyes, do you realize that she's giving out Dental Chick's home phone number?"
Cue up my sitcom's theme song.
3:30pm
Another sign that we're spending way too much time at this place: Camel Girl wants to move up the date of our wedding. She nows wants to get hitched when she's 30.
"My biological clock is ticking! If we wait any longer, our kids are gonna be fucked up."
"I'm short. Our kids are gonna be fucked up anyway."
As far as I can tell, there are only two real advantages to being married. 1) Double income. 2) You'll always have someone to eat dinner and see movies with.
But then I'm not sure if Camel Girl is the right candidate as far as my dinner theory is concerned because she's vegetarian. Me? Subsist on vegetables. Fug dat shit.
Wednesday, April 19, 2000, 2:34pm
This place constantly amazes me. Just when you think things couldn't get either worse or stupider, it does.
In The Living Daylights, after Timothy Dalton misses the cello-playing sniper on purpose, he goes, "If M fires me, I'll thank him for it." I've been using an ameded version of that line all day today.
And on top of all that, my fiancee dumped me! The wedding's off. You know why? She saw me do my Kevin Spacey in The Usual Suspects walk and she goes, "I can't deal with that." How shallow!
Wednesday, April 26, 2000, 1:56am
I had the strangest Thursday in history last week. I started out the morning stepping in a pile of shit. I got into the office and I instantly started asking Office Manager if she smelled something.
"It smells like puke," I said.
"It smells kinda like mold," she said.
Then I looked at my shoe and saw a sticky clump of brown. And I nearly threw up.
But wait, it gets better. I went downstairs and tried to rub it all out of the grass, but then I noticed that with the way I was walking, I guess, there was shit on my pants too! I went to my car and changed into jeans and Nikes and everyone panicked. "Evil Chair and Cuntface will never let you into the conferences with jeans and sneakers."
Anyway, for the rest of the day, I was Doo-Doo Boy.
Supposedly stepping in a pile of crap is supposed to give you luck. At the end of the day, I came in to find that Office Manager was crying. Apparently she just couldn't take Cuntface anymore and she was just so frustrated that she started crying.
As far as I'm concerned, Cuntface and her Evil Chair has crossed the line. Even though Ball Kicker is super duper cool, I had a talk with some strings and started pulling like a mother fucker. And I think I have a genuine shot now too cause Boss Man is slowly beginning to realize how much we bust ass lately and how evil the Evil Chair and Cuntface really are. It isn't really about trying to get the job already; I just really don't want Evil Chair and Cuntface to win. They'd infect the whole fucking third floor with their office if they could.
Friday, April 28, 2000, 10:10am
But you know what? Sting makes the whole world a better place.
A free upgrade to the floor from horrible balcony seats really helps too.
This is my very first quiet peaceful morning in a really long ass time. I'm even thinking of spiking my coffee with a touch of liquor since I'm a tad hungover on sake and scotch. (Yes, I finally broke my Same Liquor Rule for the first time since high school.)
Everybody's fucked up here. Camel Girl's hands are literally shaking. I have this sneaking suspicion that Ball Kicker knows something. There's a strange sort of tension there. I may have misjudged her. But then again, when there's a gonjo salary for doing absolutely nothing for six months involved, I guess your attitude will change.
And if I don't get my Oakleys soon, I'm gonna throw a fucking hissy fit.
Actually I threw a hissy fit yesterday. During the breastfeeding bill, I kept repeating to everyone who'd listen, in a really sarcastic voice: "The best meal is a breast meal."
It was pretty funny actually. All of a sudden, Ball Kicker looks to her left and goes, "HELLO, AUNTY!" I turned and looked and there was a woman in the conference actually breast-feeding. I guess that's one way to show support for a bill.
My 2:00pm yesterday was fucked up. At one point, I was really getting punchy and right when Cock Eyes walked in, I pointed to the room capacity sign and said, "Okay, Cock Eyes is here, that makes 110. One of you is gonna have to leave." I don't know if there actually was 110 people in that room, but it was fucking crowded.
I even heard the Boss say the "f" word yesterday!
Monday, May 1, 2000, 4:09pm
I tried a new drug. At first I was really hesistant about inhaling one of those cannisters they use for paint ball guns but, what the heck right? Weed and beer helps too I guess.
You always meet the most interesting people on balconies.
Friday, May 12, 2000, 9:00pm
Okay, now that I'm unemployed and I have all the time in the world, I've been way too drunk to do anything coherently.
Biggest news: during a horrible tequila bender, I came to the sudden horrible realization that I was jealous of Cock Eyes and Camel Girl. I came to the horrible realization that I have feelings for her. Yeah, those kinds of feelings. And I accidently told that to Ball Kicker. Now I'm in the process of backtracking furiously, trying to explain that I was drunk off my ass and yadda yadda yadda. If she already told Camel Girl, I'll fucking crawl under a rock and die. Tequila is dangerous. It was just one of those things you think, not one of those things you actually say aloud. If Camel Girl ever found that one out... Oh man, it isn't gonna be good. You see, I think it happened somewhere around the Fifth Of May. (I have no idea how to spell it in Spanish.) You see, Camel Girl was blind drunk and I had to take care of her and I had to carry her around all over the place, then she bazooka barfed and I really had to start carrying her around and... You know the drill. But really, I am totally not ready for anything like this and what I said on Wednesday night was the alcohol talking and it was not meant for human ears and if anyone out there runs into her and finds out that she somehow found out, do me a favor and fill her in on the exact details of my drunken stupor. Thank you.
Already, I'm beginning to wonder although I'm hoping it's just paranoia on my part. Camel Girl was supposed to come Gladiator with me, Cock Eyes, and Blinky Phone but she fagged out at the last minute claiming, "Too much testosterone." Me, Cock Eyes, and Blinky Phone? Oh please... We could barely fill a thimble. Although Cock Eyes is pretty buff so we could all hide behind him.
At least we've all been keeping in touch, to say the least. I got so fucking wasted Wednesday night. It was the kinda night where you spill your heart out to the Effeminate Heterosexual about being in love with Camel Girl, then you piggy-back him up four flights of stairs back to his car with the whole bunch just laughing at your ass. And the really sad part is, that probably wasn't the most embarassing thing I did that night. I'll never drink tequila again for the rest of my life. Or at least I won't mix shots of Jose Cuervo, Patron, and Hornito. Yeah, that's a pretty good new rule.
In other brief news: tangled with unemployment, got a kick ass pair of Oakleys so I can now be a member of the X-Men, pretty much lost the Office Master position, got commissioned to do a book review, had lunch with the Geeky Writing Group, told Ball And Chain I really really no longer loved her and I just wanted to be friends and I'm totally not ready for a relationship, and accidently had sex with Ball And Chain twice since then.
I can't believe I just started this "vacation."
