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Am I the slowest motherfucker on the planet or what? All this time, I never realized that the title for the South Park movie, South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut, was phallic! Go figure.
Speaking of phallic, I finally had an orgasm. Write it and you shall receive. Now I can finally get on with my life.
Speaking of getting on with lives, is employee stand-by really that cheap for airlines? Bobora WannaBe was supposed to arrive in Hawaii on Monday, but he kept re-scheduling and re-scheduling and now he MIGHT get here at 1:30 pm. Kinda a bitch don't you think? But then, if the price is that farking cheap...
Not that I mind entirely. The only day he really fucked up my schedule was yesterday but then I managed to go to the gym anyway so the day wasn't entirely wasted.
Speaking of phallic, you know that Jedi Council Member Ki-Adi-Mundi? He's the guy with the head shaped like a bumpy dick. (His action figure is totally gone! I was all set to make my own little Jedi Council, especially when I saw that Yoda is gonna come with his own chair, now I can't find Dickhead-- literally. And I ain't spend fifteen bucks or whatever at Software Etc. Go figure.) Anyway, I bought the Prelude To The Rebellion comic books and according to that storyline, Ki Adi Mundi's race has a male to female ratio of 1 to 20, therefore, everybody, Ki Adi Mundi the wise, brave Jedi knight included, are polygamists. Okaaaaay... Lucas approved this?! Umm, yeah right...
Revisions to the movie review are getting worse. I've seriously never lost this much control over a creative project before in my life. Now I'm convinced that I want to add 1) a reference to Elvis Presley's Blue Hawaii which would require me to watch the damn movie in the first place, 2) footnotes, huge long ass David Foster Wallace/Nicholson Baker-style footnotes, and 3) two billion references to The Real World.
Speaking of the Real World, I only managed to watch a half hour of my tape, but umm, lemme get this straight. Using what people told me, in just the first episode, practically everyone gets naked? Okaaaaay... And then there's Ruthie: she's always naked, she's a lesbian, she cries all the fucking time, and she drinks till the booze starts leaking out of a every major orifice and when she passes out and nearly dies, she blames it on "alcohol poisoning." Umm, gee, if this isn't representative of someone living in Hawaii, I'll be a banana on popsicle stick. That chick is definitely local.
All things considered though, I actually kinda like the show. They actually managed to make the island look like a, well, music video. And that's better than being the island that Godzilla stomps on on his way to New York, right? Right?
This a special message to a very dear reader of Aaron's Movie Reviews.
To the rap superstar Mase:
Dude, you're 19 fucking years old and you're giving up your little Sean Puffy Combs-funded million dollar career to "serve God"?!
I'm sorry but call me an asshole, call me cynical, unsympathetic, unempathetic, all those other "-etics", but fuck man, there is a screw seriously loose in your 'fro!!!!
Let's put it this way. I bought a ticket to A Midsummer Night's Dream. It's just that I was really really fucking tired and so I fell asleep during Kevin Kline's play. So umm, you know... I really don't feel all that qualified to give a star rating, but from what went on before; very interesting... Cute... Ally McBeal was a little fucking irritating but... Michelle Pffeifer always kicks ass. She'd make a good Catwoman. Wait a minute... Oh, did you know that Warner Bros. has been wanting to do a Catwoman spin-off for some time now and since they think Michelle's getting on in the years, they want Catherine Zeta Jones to take over. I guess I can live with that.
I also finally checked out the Koolau theaters. They're actually full-on stadium in the larger theaters, not the bullshit stadium in the Waikiki Twins and Pearlridge West Basement. Unfortunately, the smaller theaters at Koolau are pretty darn Pearlridge West Basement, ie. they fucking suck banana doo-doo. I really want to see The Phantom Menace in one of the big ones at those Koolaus.
Oh shit, speaking of The Phantom Menace, Jar Jar is coming back in Episode Two!!! EAT SHIT MOTHERFUCKERS!!! Ha! There's actually studio speculation that audiences will stay away from Episode Two just because of Jar Jar. That's just so fucking dick. "How wude!" Fifty percent of people polled hate Jar Jar, 25% like him, and 25% don't give a Gungan fuck. If anything, if Leonardo fucking DiCaprio really is gonna be Anakin, that's the one that's gonna keep the folks away.
Actually, I really wanna see what happens when The Beach comes out. There's so much Leonardo backlash but then, there's also so many little girls out there who don't exactly feel the same way. That's actually gonna be a real interesting box office analysis...
Speaking of so many little girls, have you noticed that there's a major ratio of single guys to single girls on this island? I mean, for every one single girl, there must be like two billion single guys. I wouldn't be surprised if this island suddenly doesn't adopt a polygamist lifestyle. I mean, how will the population survive?!
Umm, I'm just totally smoking fucking crack already. It's my sleep schedule again: I crashed at about 10 pm and woke up around 4 am. Go banana.
