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I'm a little confused.
We talked again and we decided to meet for a quick bite. She knows how I feel, I know how she feels, and that's it. A quick bite.
Then she calls and says it's over between her and the guy. She doesn't think it would be a good idea to meet me. It wouldn't be fair to either me, her, or "that guy." Now that she knows how I feel about her, she "doesn't want to cause trouble." She sounds vaguely upset, apologizes, and hangs up.
And I'm crushed that I'm not gonna get to see her tonight.
Something's rotten in Denmark. Trouble? Was she just planning to use me to get back at "that guy?" If so, fuck I totally don't mind! USE ME, USE ME, USE ME! At least if she pulled something like that, it would be way easier for me to move on.
Or even if she just needed a shoulder to cry on. I'll take whatever I can get, even if it makes me second banana. (Didn't think I forgot the bananas, did you?)
It would seem like Ball And Chain is getting the short end of the stick as far as the relationship goes. The totally ironic thing is, Ball And Chain doesn't really notice that I'm behaving any differently. It's not like she's getting neglected or anything cause when I'm with her, which is rare due to our schedules lately, she never really pays attention to me anyway.
Am I going through some kind of mid-life crisis or something? I've felt kinda guilty about the way I talk/write about Ball And Chain but ever since I met Her, I kinda realized, indiscretions not withstanding, Ball And Chain treats me like shit. I deserve a little attention for once damnit!
Yeah. Fight the power.
Wednesday, February 2, 2000, 3:14pm
I should make a career out of this. Have emotional relations with Aaron and eventually you're immortalized in a short story.
I'm pathetic. I brought my Discman to work and every chance I get, I sit around and play Journey's "I'll Be All Right Without You." I have seriously got to get a life.
I think I'm depressed. I should just give in to it instead of trying to fight it. That way I can minimize my unproductivity levels and bounce back to normal later.
Fuck bitch [I'm talking to our receptionist]! I got my goddamn headphones on playing my fucking Journey CD for a reason! I'm trying to TUNE YOU OUT!!! God, can't these people let me be miserable in peace?!
Thursday, February 3, 2000, 1:18am
In traffic on the way home, the radio played Phil Collins' "Against All Odds." I nearly through my stereo's face plate out the window. As soon as I got home, I went straight to bed and cried like a baby. But I think I feel a little better now. Got it out of my system a bit.
I'm having trouble eating. Yesterday I thought it was work-related due to the stressful day. I had a slice of pumpkin pie for lunch and one hamburger patty for dinner. Today I ordered a #5 from Taco Bell and could barely manage to finish a taco supreme. For dinner I had three pieces of man-doo and some cabbage and rice. What I really want to do is drink beer. Hang on, lemme get a can of Coors.
Okay.
For a little while, I think I was in the pleading phase. The Good Mother told me a list of all the phases: sadness, denial, pleading, depression, anger, bitterness, and I forget the rest.
I really wanted to just ask her, "Why don't you like me?" We seemed to get along good and she thinks I'm "really sweet." Is there a negative definition for "sweet" that I haven't come across in my copy of Webster's? But actually, "sweet" is bad isn't it? That's always the word they use to shoot you down with.
But I can tell my sweetness is gonna get revoked soon. I can see it in her expression. I'm beginning to bother her a bit. But objectively, I can understand that. I'm just gonna back off already. Cramping her style to have some short guy lapping around her like a dog. And it would just kill me if she ended up hating me.
If I'm not careful, pretty soon I'm gonna deteriorate into bitterness.
Strangely, it was for the best that we didn't have dinner last night. I found out Ball And Chain unexpectedly got the day off and spent the night cruising around with her friend. With the way my luck was going, I probably would have run into her.
Okay, from tomorrow morning, once I wake up, I promise I'm gonna try not to think about her.
