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Kitsune Mifune is officially immortal. It happens to few, but when lightning does strike, you’re ass gets burnt to a fucking crisp. I refuse to deny him even a tiny bit of well-deserved glory so if you haven’t already found out, I strongly urge you to read it for yourself first!!!
The importance and significance of this achievement is simply astronomical. And this isn’t just any fucking movie. THE IS JAMES FUCKING BOND!!! You just don’t get any fucking cooler. I mean, this is the most financially successful movie franchise in all history. Bond will be around forever. Even when our GRANDKIDS are dead, The World Is Not Enough will be sitting on the shelf of a Blockbuster. The implications truly boggle the mind!
I tried to think of a few things that would be cooler than seeing The World Is Not Enough logos everywhere for the rest of eternity and knowing that you created it. The one I came up with was if Kitsune Mifune was Val Kilmer. But unlike James Bond, Val Kilmer isn’t always perpetually cool. At First Sight? There you go.
Bill Gates came up with this. What if Kitsune parted the Red Sea, freed the Hebrews and exclaimed, “Ramses! Let my people go!” Again, that’s almost as cool but not everyone’s a Christian so...
Dell Pickle did come up with something absolutely fucker cooler though. The only way you can top being a significant part of the next James Bond movie would be to have been the first man on the moon, with this important exception. As you’re taking your first steps, you trip and land on your face and because of all the heavy equipment, you can’t get up. And so there you are, lying face-down on the moon’s surface, going, “Fuck. Fuck! FUUUCK!!! Someone help me up!!!” live on national television.
Of course there are non believers. I made the fatal mistake of telling the Hairy Editor because he called after Kitsune left. He was a little impressed until he found out that Kitsune doesn’t get paid big time. He could care less about the whole Bond factor. And that my friend, is why the only action your dick gets is from your hand.
I also made the mistake of telling Ball And Chain. My fault, I was excited and I wasn’t thinking. All she was concerned about was me being late and she was forced to eat without me. Oh boo hoo fucking hoo! She’s only one year younger than me. I think it’s about fucking time she learns to eat meals on her own. She just consistently sets the women’s movement back a thousand steps on a daily basis. What a fucking bitch. Again, like the Hairy Editor, she doesn’t see what the big deal is if Kitsune’s not getting money.
Say it with me folks, SELF ABSORPTION!
It takes something like this to question what the fuck I’m doing with my life. Have I actually been dead for almost four years? Is it finally time to kick the Ball And Chain? I mean, think about it. Anyone who has such ideals like that without even the vaguest awareness of the inherent fun and coolness that can inhabit this world...
And The Hairy Editor always goes off on people who only care about the money.
Say it with me folks. HYPOCRITE!!!
No no no. We cannot let this type of pervasiveness infect the world we live in. We must fight. The world is not enough, damnit!
Let us take this moment to honor Kitsune Mifune. He has made a lasting contribution to the society and culture we live in. We can only hope to strive to do something so bold and charitable as that.
The following will be the unedited notes, taken by hand this morning, during my hellish descent back into the Hades known as jury selection.
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9:58 am
Oh Christ, I’m in hell.
This is humanity at it’s absolute worst.
Have any of you had any unpleasant experience with jury selection?
The judge made a funny. My sides are hurting.
Interviewing 13 people? This is going to take all day.
10:01 am
Time moves extremely slowly in this building. Perhaps we are in another universe.
Do any of you know of any reason why you cannot sit in on this case?
“Because this is not my problem.”
Juror 1 is standing and answering a questionnaire. Poor women. This must be so humiliating. This is like being on Jerry Springer. Is this why Court TV is so popular? She’s a buswoman at Columbia Inn.
10:06 am
Juror 2. A widow. That’s sad.
Juror 3. Divorced. So young.
Juror 4. Kauai! Great cookies!
Juror 5. Employee of KFC airport. I’m not fucking kidding.
Juror 6. She’s married to Jean Michel whatever, violist for the Honolulu Symphony. Well congratulations to you!
(We’ve all been reduced to numbers.)
Juror 7. I don’t understand a word he’s saying. $20 they keep him.
Juror 8. Hilo! Five sons all named with the letter Z. Surprisingly, “Zorro” isn’t on the list.
Juror 9. ?
Juror 10. 25. Cutter Dodge detailer. 1 kid, not married. $20 they keep him.
Juror 11. $50 they keep him.
Juror 12. She has 2 childrenS! $70 they keep her.
Juror 13. Maui! Needs subtitles as well!
10:16 am
Meeting with the attorneys outside.
What if I keep chanting, “I’m not supposed to be here,” really loudly?
Nice wood paneling.
RECESS! “We’re very close to finishing the process.” The check is in the mail. I won’t c____ in your mouth.
10:33 am
The girl sitting in front of me is really cute. Last name Park. Unfortunately as I was walking in, I noticed the bookmark in one of those Christian enlightenment books: Billy Graham Foundation. How unfortunate indeed. She probably thinks one of the Teletubbies is gay too.
Suspect starring Cher and Dennis Quaid was a really good movie.
If it wasn’t so quiet in here, I’d attempt to flirt with her.
Earlier, this guy around my age, Asian, local, got off on the excuse of “my medication is making me drowsy.” I can’t believe they 86-ed my thesis excuse for that.
That process was really stupid. I had to use a mike and give my excuse. It must have been my diminutive stature and vocal inflection because everyone was laughing at me.
He’s back!
The lawyers turn for questioning. There goes another fucking hour.
Wow, everyone on the jury has medical. I don’t have drug.
Mrs. Fujioka receives social security.
Mrs. Loomis keep getting SS even though she still works.
Miss Lee. Carpal tunnel syndrome. She’s satisfied though.
I only got an hour of sleep and it’s beginning to show.
Mr. Lawson is currently unemployed but he was in construction. Not divorced, separated. Doesn’t know if wife is employed.
Blair Goto. 30s. Asian. There is something very wrong with his voice. He sounds exactly like Sulu in Star Trek. He’s a lawyer and he drives a Dodge?!
Someone in the 2nd row dropped a nice silver pen. I want to steal it.
This is nothing like Ally McBeal. I’m bored bananas.
10:46 am
They’re going outside again. If I make it out of here with my life undisturbed, I’m going to learn how to ride a motorcycle.
I don’t want to die and realize my last day was spent in a courtroom.
People think I’m SOMEBODY cause I’m furiously scribbling notes in this book. Should I try and start a game of Hangman with the nice people around me?
Oh Christ, let me out of here already.
This is what Hell looks like: rows of chairs, asbestos on the ceiling, security cameras, and wood paneling.
I could have brought my pocket knife.
10:52 am
What the living fuck are they doing out there?
Stomachs in my row are beginning to growl.
One person coughs in a quiet room, the rest follow.
Oh...
Whee!!!!! I think we’re outta here! YUP! BYE!
Spunker
Aaron’s Movie
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