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Twas the night before Christmas and I'm dying for a fricking cigarette. Me and Mom are just waiting for my Gramma to crash.
I always feel a bit more contemplative on Christmas Eve than New Year's Eve. It must have something to do with having more time. On New Year's, usually for me there's a lot of travelling involved. Waitaminute, shit! I almost forgot. I have to leave for Ball And Chain's pretty soon. Oh well.
I guess this Christmas season went as well as it could. The freaky full moon had its effect on me. Speaking of which, Dental Chick's father took me aside today and gave me a long talk about trying not to regret anything that you can't do nothing about. I was really touched. Later Dental Chick told me that her father had asked her that night why I was so down and when she explained it to him, he was all worried all day about me. I guess I did the right thing stopping by their place after gym. For some reason, as I was driving home, I just felt that I should go see them. And I guess I had a reason to. With the shit that happened lately, I have more of a tendency these days to just go with my gut instincts.
I really should go with a gut instinct to get off my lazy ass and be productive, but I'll save that for the Millenium Resolution Shit.
But anyway, X Mas is slowly winding to a close. Got the Pure Heart holiday CD going, said goodbye to all the cool decorations at Ala Moana, and... My God, even the lugheads at the gym are nicer on Christmas Eve. Nobody tried to steal my cable machine and at one point when I was waiting for a pressdown cable, a guy with no neck actually let me know he had only one more set left. Unheard of! Is that the Christmas spirit or what?
Most likely by the time you read this, or I post this, it'll be waaaaay after Christmas. Nonetheless, I wish you all a merry one and I hope everyone out there gets a big juicy orgasm. Ho ho ho.
Wednesday, December 29, 1999, 11:28pm
(Notes taken from my snazzy job interview portofolio)
Shh! I'm at another job interview. Oh God... Politics is the absolute last thing I thought I'd wanna get involved with, but desperate times call for... Caffeine. The really nice secretary said to help myself to coffee. I'm resisting the urge.
There is a koa cross hanging above the door.
I just stole a writing instrument from a prospective employer. Don't tell, just take it out of my paycheck of it all works out.
I've heard rumors this guy is hard to work for.
Okay umm, let's see. Why don't we just do a real journal entry before I lose control and attack the coffee.
Christmas was nice and all that shit. Mom gave me a spiffy little camera and I'm just taking random little snapshots. Ever since I looked at the Rolling Stone retrospective photo issue, I liked the idea of documenting certain times and situations. Not really pictures per say... Just certain... Hard to explain. Although I was kinda pissed that I missed the shot of NASA rolling up the window on Lestat's hand.
Oh yeah, NASA's back with the Most Irritating Yobo Alive. She sprayed mosquito repellant on herself before she went to the movies. I swear, I never heard a chick whine so much in my entire life. She makes Ball And Chain look like a normal human being.
As I gave Lestat a ride home, he goes, "Well... At least she talks more now."
"Is that a good thing?"
"Oh c'mon Aaron. She's opening up to us. We're making a breakthrough."
I'm trying real hard but after a certain point, I just totally had to get out of there. The Good Mother says that NASA's lucky he caught me in that "Life Is Precious" phase. Ever since the funeral I've been Roberto Benigni.
Do I even want this job? I keep telling myself it's only temporary anyway, but... Shit, I usually totally botch the interview anyway...
Damn, this fucker's seriously running late. I'm getting the urge to go over to one of the PC's and play solitaire.
Do these pants make me look fat? I'M KIDDING. Suddenly I'm beyond bored. Hey, I bought these real cool pants from Banana Republic. It's this stretch material thing and it was on sale. It was so comfortable. I never realized slacks could feel so good. When I put them on in the dressing room, I popped a boner.
Okay, I'm getting punchy.
So what you doing for New Year's? I can't believe I'm actually going to be driving that night. I should strap a Vornado to the roof of my car.
Oh shit, the parking meter...
Someone here taped up a black and white Xerox of one of those Magic Eye artwork things. I can't figure out what it's supposed to be. I feel like that fat guy in Mallrats.
AHH! THE DOOR'S OPENING!!!!!!
Friday, December 31, 1999, 5:29am
Okay, thank God I botched that interview. Talk about Asshole Of The Millenium...
But on the other hand, I'm employed!!! Albeit, temporarily but still... For the next few months I'm gonna pretend I'm a hooker: I'm gonna lie back and think about the money. Granted, I'm gonna have no life until the summer time but still... I got it all worked out. When I get out, I'm gonna take a long ass vacation for the summer, just in time for the season's blockbuster movies which includes Mission Impossible 2. (Look closely at the font on the movie posters and trailers. The "Cruise" and "Summer 2000." KITSUNE STRIKES AGAIN!!! When I first found out, I'm all, "Kitsune? What is it with you and spy movies?")
I also figured out what I'm gonna do with the money. I'm gonna take a substantial chunk outta my credit cards!!! Then I'm gonna put aside a little cash to fund LAS VEGAS!!!! Yee Haw, Nevada here I come! It's a sure thing, in the bag-- Whatever. Set aside that Stampede slot machine at Mandalay Bay and leave me a spot on the blackjack table at the Rio, AARON'S COMING!!!!
You don't realize how much fun it is to sit here and think about what hotel I wanna stay at. Treasure Island sent me a new thing and the rooms look great; plus you get to watch the pirate show from your room. Keen. I wouldn't mind staying at Paris but they haven't met me yet, so no deals. Bellagio... Don't even think about it. Mirage: definite option. Hmm... I always wanted to stay at the New York, New York... Mandalay Bay has great swimming facilities. But Rio has suites... Oh the choice, oh the choices...
And maybe, if there's some leftover money, a new computer? A laptop of my own since I gotta give this one back tomorrow?
Now I'm getting ahead of myself. It's the Southern Comfort talking. I attended Bubba's grad "party," and... You can guess how it goes. Beer. A strange Samoan card game. Cigars. Someone puts a bottle of Southern Comfort on the table and suddenly you're singing "That's Life" with Dell Pickle at the top of your lungs. Gosh, I haven't drank Southern Comfort since high school. With Lockjaw. Shit, that one just hit me... Sad the way this world works sometimes...
The world. Well, I guess this is gonna be my last transmission until Y2K.
It's been an okay year. I spent half of it goofing off, so I can't complain. Had a kick-ass time in Vegas. Published a few times. Shit, I can't remember a lot of it.
Wow, I'm not going back to school for the first semester since high school... Weird...
I guess it's a good omen that I'm starting the millenium with a new job. Totally new field too, with an employer I'm thoroughly happy with. Let's see, this is probably what 2000 is gonna look like for me, barring armageddon. Work my ass off for the first six months. Somehow find time to go to the gym. Relax and watch all the summer movies. LAS VEGAS! Look for a new job? Finish a book? Sell a book? Buy a new computer? Oh shit, the play, the fucking play... Gosh, my dance card's kinda full... This is gonna be a busy millenium. In a way, that's good. Perhaps, instead of quitting smoking (I'm only cutting down, damnit!), my resolution should be to grow up.
One of the resolutions I was really really thinking about was Ball And Chain. Hopefully things will get better since I have this new job. I'll definitely have more time on my own since our work schedules are gonna be totally on the opposite sides of the clock. Hey, anyone wanna have an affair with me? I'll pay. I'm not that great in bed, but I'm amazing in the shower! Kidding, kidding, kidding.
After the Good Mother saw Man On The Moon, she said that Andy Kaufman's funeral reminded her of the kinda funeral I'd have. When Ball And Chain saw the movie, she couldn't believe that I'd have a funeral like that. All things considered, The Good Mother knows me better and that really disturbs me. Then I thought about it. Ball And Chain probably doesn't realize that I even have a sense of humor and if I do, she probably has no clue as to what I'd find funny. I find that something to contemplate.
But anyway, if all goes as planned, I'll be seeing you when the big ole odometer changes to 2000. (And I'm convinced that aside from perpetual firework fog, absolutely nothing is gonna go wrong. If anything, the lights'll flicker for a few seconds and that's it. But then, look at the up-side of the Y2K bug: if it happens, no one has to go to work! Debt records-- zapped! What's the downside here?)
Take care, wear a clean pair of underwear, and make sure to have at least one alcoholic beverage and a gigantic, loud, wet, muscle-cramping orgasm!
