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Tonight was the second annual M and P Sushi Fest; all the wasabi you can inhale. All things considered, this year's one was fricken weirder. All I get a sporadic images and sound bytes.
The Mai Tai Bar is actually a really cool place. A cool bar in a shopping center. Cushy seats. I can't get over that.
I can't get over the fact that I met a real live person with the name "Skeet." In addition to clay targets disks and actors in movies that don't make much money, isn't that word also a euphemism for male ejaculate?
The Lava Flow is a really tasty drink.
Rolex's are fun.
Honda SUV's are solid automobiles. One should always be able to hop curbs.
There was a BANANA in the sink of the Kahala Beach bathroom (which by the way, is haunted by the Seaweed Woman Of Kahala Beach™-- my fault entirely, I take full responsibility. Too much Blair Witch is entirely not good.)
Pam walks through sand like Kitsune on rollerblades.
Ricky Martin has a small weeny.
Oh shit, speaking of weenies! Pot Belly and Honky Pet get set up together just to have sex and when he goes to pick her up for their very first fornicating experience, he's drunk and he pisses on her lawn. Then they both feel the sex is lousy. "She didn't suck my dick!" "He took two hours to come!!!" Then TWO DAYS LATER, she finds condom remnants in her snatch. "TWO DAYS?! Hel-lo, I can see the next morning, but TWO DAYS?!" Of course, these torn rubber remnants could have been caused by the small steel rod that's piercing Pot Belly's foreskin which may not enhance effective birth control, but anyway... Don't ask. Just don't ask.
A g-string? An uninivited, surprise g-string? Don't ask. Just don't ask.
Even though I don't see them often, I'm actually gonna hate to see them go. Fuck, I wanna do this again before they both ditch this rock.
Would you believe I'm really hungry right now? Did I just not eat that much? I realize now that I wasn't exactly watching how much food I consumed? Did I eat that little bit or something? Alcohol and wasabi must eat through carbohydrates like an acidic banana. Regardless, day old grilled salmon is rotating in the microwave.
I finally got to tell my Michael Bergin/Baywatch cast story to an appreciative audience. Well, at least I hope they were pretending to like the story which is more than I can say for Crabby Boba. She's such a nothing-surprises/amuses me bitch. She's the type who you never see laughing or screaming on amusement park rides. I can't believe this is Ball And Chain's best friend. No wait, I take that back. I believe, I believe.
I swear to God, Crabby Boba and IG-88 just don't find me amusing at all. They don't pretend very well. Of course, these are the people that found Pulp Fiction "weird."
If one more person sends something with the word "okole" in it to me, I'm gonna throw an email fit.
I wanna go to Palamino.
I wanna go to David Paul's.
I need a house with an ocean for a back yard.
Marriage bites.
Tuesday, August 10, 1999, 5:25 am
I have the Fear again. I feel like I've been wasting my fucking life. I've been a slug lately so I'm trying to over-compensate. I think that's the only way I manage to get any of my "projects" finished. I do them in massive bursts, then I'm a slug for a month. Bad.
Wednesday, August 11, 1999, 2:53 am
Okay, I just thoroughly scared the living shit outta myself. I was outside smoking a cigarette and I thought of The Blair Witch Project. So first, I'm trying to smoke casually and try not to notice the crickets and tree noises. Then, I get this feeling like I totally don't want to look behind me, so I just say fuckit, put the cigarette out half-smoked and book it back into the house.
I hate that fucking movie.
I discovered a new variation on the theme of Russian Roulette. Drive behind a Shell gas tanker truck that's reeking fumes and smoke a cigarette at the same time. Go figure. I'll put my cigarette out in the flash of a banana if I think the Blair Witch is coming, but I got no problems smoking behind a vehicle that's just reeking flammability.
Rented the video game Driver. Kinda hard.
Popped in on Nina and she told me what she did this weekend. Actually offered her money to do a Spunker article cause this one takes the fucking banana creme cake. I swear, I can't believe she did this one.
My sleep schedule kinda screwy. Stayed up forever and went to work and finally crashed around 5 pm. Woke up at 1:30 am and now I'm kinda sleepy. I think I'm gonna go back to sleep.
Am I the only one on the planet who didn't like Mystery Men? I swear, I just felt it could have been funnier. It came really really close but... I don't know. But c'mon, things didn't really get all that funny until Janeane Garafalo got on the screen, and then it was mostly her. In fact, this is a movie where things don't normally apply. The only way you can figure out if it worked is to just go down the, admittedly impressive, cast list.
Ben Stiller: could have been funnier. **1/2
Janeane Garafalo: national treasure ****
William Macy: pretty funny actually ***
Pee Wee Herman: I just don't find fart jokes amusing anymore. Maybe I'm just growing old. *
The black kid from Nickelodean: who cares *1/2
Greg Kinnear: I'm the only one that found him funny. ***
Geoffrey Rush: He'd make an amazing Bond villain. ***1/2
Hank Azaria: this one's the one that seriously deducted points. He just seriously fucking annoyed me. In fact, if he's ever in another movie again, I might not fucking go. (no stars)
So what's the breakdown on that one?
You know what really shocked the shit outta me? The Thomas Crown Affair. Holy Bananas, that was a really really good fucking movie. The best of it's kind since Out Of Sight. It's a really cute kinda romantic movie in which the two leads keep sparring with each other, trying to deny the fact that they want to fuck.
I have a feeling that this movie is being unfairly compared to the Sean Connery/Catherine Zeta Jones thief movie Entrapment and that's just plain wrong. Burglary really doesn't play a strong part in it, although the ending when Pierce Brosnan begins his plan to put the painting BACK, that's just classic cinema right there.
And it's a little like that comedy that came out earlier this year, Office Space, in that there's a slight message on how you should be living your life: if you're bored, just do SOMETHING. ANYTHING. Steal a $100 million Monet if you have to...
I'm just really shocked as shit about how much I liked this movie. Rene Russo's body is in seriously good shape for a seventy year old, and believe it or not, Pierce Brosnan movies aren't exactly on my must-see list. As James Bond yes, on his own, it really depends on the movie. But fuck, when he walks into the mueseum at the end and all the security cameras are on him, and he just puts on the bowler hat, that's just a classic movie moment right there.
Although if I had that much hair on my chest, there would be absolutely no hesistation. I'd get myself waxed in a banana's heartbeat.
