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Spent Oscar night with Ball And Chain. Actually we had a really good time. Whenever we got bored shitless with the proceedings, we played Yahtzee. No, there isn't any double meaning there. We literally played Yahtzee.
The other night we played mini-golf. Beware slugs and toads. That was real fun. I totally rule the Likelike course, but I totally suck shit on the Pali. That restaurant on the golf course has a pretty okay buffet too.
Actually, we've been having a lot of fun together lately, except for one thing: she's been in the mood but I haven't. Go fucking figure. I swear, we're never on the same fucking wavelength. Literally. Of course, she thinks I'm sleeping with someone else. Sorry, not this time. The thing that's really going through her head is that I've been leaving her place early so she's all suspicious that I'm going to my OTHER girlfriend's house or something. Hah. I wish.
The sad truth is, I've been leaving her place early to go to the gym. I'm getting fucking obsessed with this shit already, plus I got it in my head that I wanna get as much lifting done during Spring Break as possible especially since the wedding this weekend is gonna fuck up my schedule. All things considered, I've been doing pretty darn good this week. New maxes on the incline bench, pulldown, and seated row. I think I'm gonna switch around my shoulder routine though.
Too much, no good. I really should get a life already.
But yeah, it's really beginning to freak me out. Ball And Chain's been getting all paranoid lately. She claims that she's even having dreams that I'm with someone else. Odd really.
Don't even fucking say anything.
Odd but. Gives me the creeps.
Tonight we had dinner with Dental Chick and she told this story about how she found out Flippie was sorta trying to mack on this chick his friend is getting married to. (What the fuck is up with all these fucking weddings?! I'm seriously growing old already.) So of course, Ball And Chain, in the car, she's all, "You ever try and hide something like that, I swear, I'm totally leaving you." Hmm... Lemme get this straight. It's okay for me to sleep with other people as long as I'm up front about it? Cool.
Speaking of which, Dental Chick reserved me for Mumbles' wedding in October or something. I swear, if I have one talent, my gift to the world is that I'm a helluva great fucking date for either weddings or funerals. I can totally kick Hugh Grant's ass. I mean, the funeral has to be someone we're not seriously grieving over and stuff, but especially weddings. I swear, sappiness just opens up SO many targets for mockery. And always heckle those damn videos.
Funerals have a different rhythm. It's more about teasing religion and stuff like that. Oh and getting through that show-respect line. I remember I had to go with Dental Chick to a funeral and she was all, "Oh shit. What am I gonna do? What the fuck do you say in that situation?" So I tell her, "Just give a small smile, nod, shake hands or hug, and get the fuck outta there." So we did exactly that and she was so stoked. "Ohmygod Aaron! You were right! It works!"
Ball And Chain thinks I'm beyond scum. She's probably fucking right.
Goddamn, now I'm having sexual performance anxiety. I mean, now there's all this pressure. "Are you fucking someone else? How come all of a sudden you don't wanna do anything?" Do I have to slurp a dozen oyster shooters now?! I mean, I have to have sex with her soon or else all this suspicion shit is gonna keep going, and on top of that, I have to be the one to instigate it. I have writing to do damnit! I have a good chance of reaching a new max on my deadlift!
Have you ever heard of someone complaining about having to have sex? Christ, there is something just so wrong with me.
Speaking of which, apparently Number 1 Crush and her bulbous fat boyfriend just joined the gym cause after years and years of not seeing her, suddenly twice in one week? Odd. Very odd. Kitsune claims that she looked pretty fucked up last time he saw her. I don't think so. HELLO NURSE! If she was all alcoholic, she must've dried up and went into detox cause she's in pretty darn good shape. Especially for someone her age. OW! Oh that was cruel. Nah. Can you sense bitterness? I had the meanest, decade long crush on her in... Never-fucking-mind. I mean... Nevermind.
I'm such a dork dork dork.
I'm fucking pleased as a bowl of bananas about Shakespeare In Love. For once in Oscar history, a totally deserving underdog kicked the living shit outta both Spielberg AND Tom Hanks. Hah! Suck shit Forest fucking Gump! As far as I'm concerned, Roberto Benigni did the world a major favor. My gramma strongly disagrees but anyway...
I'm also real stoked Judi Dench won. I mean, so what if she was only on the screen for 8 minutes. She's M! She's James Bond's fucking boss! You don't get any cooler than that.
Speaking of which, I've been hearing some seriously freaky rumors about who's doing the theme song for the next Bond movie. Lauren Hill? Umm, well, umm... If they can stick Tina Turner on a Bond movie, I guess that can't hurt. As long as she doesn't start fucking rapping or something.
Then I heard Mel C., aka Sporty Spice of the Spice Girls. Seriously, that slow song they did kinda sounds like a real cool Bond song, except the only thing is, the Spice Girls?! That's not very smooth. C'mon, give 007 some dignity.
My favorite new rumor is Jamiroquai is gonna do it. According to some British magazine, they said he totally wants to do it and he likes the title, The World Is Not Enough. That would be an utterly cool choice but I have this bad feeling the Sporty Spice rumor is true.
Anyway, back to the Oscars. My biggest gripe about Supporting Actress: my choice was the little chink girl from Rush Hour. She was so cool, screaming at the bad guy to set off the bomb, "Push the button, godddamnit!" Then in the beginning when she was fucking full on singing Mariah Carey in the car. She was keen.
Then there's best supporting actor. Jet Li got fucking robbed, man! That was pure acting damnit. He was the coolest bad guy, and the thing is, he never fucking plays bad guys! And he could kick the living shit outta James Coburn.
Spunker
Aaron's Movie Reviews 2
