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Okay, maybe it's intervention time. Instead of going to the gym, I decided to drink more beer. Not that there's anything wrong with that except, well... Nevermind.
Had conversation with Ball Kicker, Camel Girl, and Cock Eyes. I've never had my balls sucked. Am I missing out on something here? Cock Eyes said that it's okay, no big deal. Ball Kicker claims she does it and you suck only one at a time. Then there's me and Camel Girl who were heretofore unfamiliar with this entire activity.
Did I like miss out on this whole new array of sex stuffs that popped up while I was in Hell? Nut sucking? Frankly that sounds a little sore, but then maybe I'm just overly-sensitive. Or a prude. Or both. But you gotta understand, I read this article about testicular cancer when I was in my formative years and it really fucking disturbed me.
Why the living fuck am I talking about my nuts?
I finally finally got em! I got a brand new pair of Oakley's on the way; and at a seriously good price too! I got the Juliet version of the sunglasses Tom Cruise has in Mission Impossible 2. In actuality, it's actually the shades that Cyclops wears in the X Men movie except the ones I got doesn't have that ruby red quartz.
Then later on this week, I'm finally gonna pick up a pair of walking sandals! I can be a tree hugging hippie!!!
I love getting shit at a discount AND on top of that, I'll be a styling motherfucker. Can you dig it? Maybe then I can find someone to suck my nuts.
Oh jeez, I'm SO kidding. (Never can tell these days. I've been forgetting to do that David Letterman face after I say some sarcastic shit and people really do think I'm being serious. "Yes, the fact that I saw a freaky woman pissing on the sidewalk did traumatize me but that's not the ONLY reason why I felt I deserved to leave work early that day!")
Tuesday, April 11, 2000, 9:40am
It's a sad existence when you claim that the morning was hectic and then you find that it really isn't worth or even possible to explain.
12:00 pm
Camel Girl freaked when she found out that I know both of the guys that she slept with. Considering that I'm not exactly Mr. Aloha, it's a kinda gonjo coincidence.
Her "type" is tall skinny Asian guys. Does the first person you sleep with determine what your "type" will eventually become or is it one of those attractions that are genetically imprinted on you at birth?
All things considered, her first guy is a pretty huge fucking coincidence. This island is really too fucking small. It seriously makes you consider relocating to Vegas.
Thursday, April 13, 2000, 10:42am
Well congratulate me. In the strangest turn of events ever, I'm engaged to be married. Yup, go figure. I was talking to Camel Girl again yesterday and one thing led to another and we decided that if neither of us are married by the time she turns 35, we're gonna get hitched.
We even worked out the parameters. She gets the master bedroom with the double bed and I'll take "the guest room," and no one will know we're sleeping in separate places.
"Wait a minute," she goes. "Does that mean you're not gonna fuck me?"
"Camel Girl, at the point we're at now, one of us would probably bust out laughing halfway through the deed."
"But wait, I want kids!"
It just so happened that I was drinking Office Manager-made iced coffee out of a styrofoam cup. "Well, I'll jack off into this and--"
"You suck."
The funniest part was, this morning, apparently it's still bugging her.
"So if you're not planning to have sex with me, what the fuck are you gonna get out of this marriage?"
"Uh, just the fact that I'm married so that in ten years the both of us won't look like single losers?"
"Good point, Aaron."
The part that I can't get over is, she's planning to cheat on me with Cock Eyes. And I was gonna make that bastard my best man too damnit!
Friday, April 15, 2000, 8:59pm
I don't believe it. Somewhere within this short span of the first quarter of this year, my concerns became adult-ish. And it fucking makes me sick. Fem Heterosexual turned out to be an ex-English major too and we were talking about it and shit and he goes, "This whole building is a fucking Shakespearean tragedy." He doesn't realize how right he is.
I'm suddenly worried about My Career. Office Manager waited too long and it turns out that the Office Manager position was secretly in the process of being filled all this time. No one knew that I was interested. And I guess, technicially, I'm not supposed to know it's in the process of being filled. The real stink part is that they want Ball Kicker in that position. I like her, she's my friend. I don't want to compete with her over this. And even if I do compete with her, I'm not sure if that's a good idea because there's a concept I've slowly started getting acquainted with: Political Hire. I don't stand a chance.
I'm not sure how to react to this. Do it anyway and compete with someone I'm friends with. (Camel Girl told me that you have to do what's good for you, but still... God... She's my friend for crissake.) Then I thought about it a little more and I got a bit pissed off, especially at The Arrogant Chair and his Bitch Office Manager. How dare they try to move someone from their office into ours. And then I'm a little ticked at my Boss. He's so fucking nice it's turning into a character flaw; I bet he's praying I don't want the position so that he can avoid a confrontation. What a fucking pussy. And from what Office Manager told me, I'm supposed to be all thrilled and touched that he thought of me for the Consolation Prize Job? Fuck dat shit. Just because I can give the meanest stink eye during hearings doesn't mean I want to basically work as a well dressed corporate bouncer.
I'm venting, and I'm literally sick. With the flu. Right when I made a new record on my bench press too. I can't believe that this kinda job-shit actually concerns me. I'm so disappointed in myself. No wonder I came down with a cold, I brought my personality's resistance down.
