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All things considered, I was doing really well. I even spoke with the Good Mother and Dental Chick for a little while, and you know what? I actually laughed. Very first time this week. Then I did something real stupid.
I ended up talking with Her, and the conversation got to her talking about how she really wishes she could go to the gym more often. And of course, even though I totally wasn't planning on going, I blurt out, "Hey, I'm going tonight. Wanna come?" And of course, she says no. I mean, I fucking knew she'd say no, but I just asked anyway! I'M JUST SETTING MYSELF UP FOR IT!!! And so I ended up crying again. I'm really fucking getting pissed off at myself now.
The Literary Circle just called me outta the blue to say that they're gonna go drinking. Bond Chick and the Great Hawaiian Hope were going too and even though I haven't seen them for so so long and it's such a great opportunity, I'd much rather be miserable by myself.
I really fucking hate people like me.
But I'm not totally pathetic. I'm gonna go be miserable by myself at the gym. It could be worse right? I could be in bed crying myself to sleep with a bottle of Jack Daniels right? Hey, I definitely deserve some points for that one. Only once so far through all this, did I get drunk.
I'm dreading the weekend. I may have to seriously inebriate myself cause this'll be the first time I see Ball And Chain since I shot myself in the foot. She probably won't be able to tell but if she accidently treats me nicely or something, I'm in such a vulnerable state right now, I actually might use my girlfriend for the sex.
Monday, February 7, 2000, 2:58am
Okay, this weekend was a little odd. Ball And Chain and the Hairy Editor probably took the worst of it.
Strangely enough, Ball And Chain was in a rare fucking mood, and even though I totally thought I wasn't in the mood, she started touching me, and one thing led to another, and I got a blow job. And here's the fucking thing I can't get over: I felt totally guilty for having sex with my girlfriend! Twice! Anyway...
Sigh. Things are so fucking complicated right now but at least I finally got laid this millennium.
The weirdest one was last night though. I just thoroughly wasn't in the mood for whining, and Ball And Chain started going off at me for something and basically I fucking snapped and left and went to go find Bubba and friends at this rave they were at. I knew where they were gonna be cause the Hairy Editor initially called earlier that day. He has a slight clue about the situation cause I told him to get Overpublished off my back about certain projects or else I'd basically crack him already. Anyway, I kinda was rude with the Hairy Editor because I was like, fuckhead, you know what I'm going through and the last thing I'm in the mood for is to go to a rave and do X and rub up against teen-agers.
But it turned out that's exactly what I was in the mood for. It was really nice seeing Bubba again and since he was rolling, it was really odd to see him so "friendly." It was really cute actually. He's a big scary-looking fucker and he had this little entourage of teeny-bopper chicks following him. Granted, I could have lived without him constantly picking me up and bear-hugging me and going, "He's like a little teddy-bear!" I hate bigger people. They always feel like they can just pick up short people whenever they feel like it. He also kissed me on the head once.
Then again, at least someone was happy to see me.
Anyway, I was all set to do X and go to Evolutions with them but then Ball And Chain paged me an "I love you" and my conscience kicked in and instead of going dancing and doing a strange drug I've been hearing a lot about lately, I went back to Ball And Chain's and watched The Zero Effect and 8mm on cable.
I really want to break up with her, but I also really don't. Like last night, I was actually having fun for a bit, and I really really wanted to go with Bubba them, but of course I couldn't, and not like I can bring Ball And Chain cause she can't be in a forty foot radius of a rave, much less Evolutions.
But then again, I think she genuinely cares about me, and I care about her too. I guess. I really think we'd be better as just being really good friends, but Ball And Chain is totally not the type for that. I leave and she'll hold a grudge that would make Sicilians look understanding.
Scream 3 sucked.
