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Holy shit, holy shit! The Phantom Fucking Menace kicked ass!!!!
Okay, okay, I admit it. For a little while, I totally lost faith and I was utterly sick of the whole marketing blitz, but, ohmygod, last night... It was the kinda movie that had this old as dirt fart playing the Phantom Menace soundtrack and waving a pole around my living room pretending I was Darth Maul.
First, I have a huge apology to send out. John Williams, I'm sorry I called you a recycling geriatric loser. But I gotta admit, that MTV video doesn't give that Duel of the Fates theme any justice. You gotta SEE it happening at the end of the movie; George Lucas is doing his usual jump cutting with Natalie Portman's people trying to get to the throne room, the star fighting, and Liam and Ewan versus Darth Maul. It is such a fucking rush!!!
Darth Maul is hardly in it. And his dialogue is basically what's in the trailer. He's kinda short too. I think he is a fabulous role model for vertically challenged people everywhere.
Natalie Portman had one fucking funny line. "We'll take the long way."
Jar Jar isn't as irritating as all the critics said but, umm, he is a tad irritating. But not Hairy Editor irritating!!! That's an new Star Wars way to measure irritation, sorta like Jabba The Hutt is a way to measure obesity. If you're more irritating than Jar Jar Binks, you're a pretty huge fucking nuisance. "How rude!"
Ohmygod ohmygod, I wish you guys could've been there at midnight at Dole Cannery. Seriously, it was so fucking fun, I would've sprung for you all! Okay, I take that back...
Ho, the Dole Cannery is a seriously kick ass set of theaters. Consolidated officially sucks ass, I no longer have any use for them, except that they have GMTs.
Theaters raised their prices to $7. Umm, coincidence? I don't think so.
I seriously have to get started on planning my religion. "A master and an apprentice..."
Jake Lloyd wasn't as bad as everyone said he was. Then again, there was a lot that could have been done with ALL the characters. But fuck, it was like, every single damn scene had something cool to look at. And everything is so tragic. You just know that little boy everyone wants to help is gonna grow up, wear black and sound like he has asthma.
The Immaculate Conception. Umm, whatever. You know that chick was all drunk one night and accidently boinked a Jawa was the Force or something. I mean, c'mon! She's a slave!!! You know how randy those slaves get after a few fortys!
I can't wait to see it again tonight. Unfortunately, it's gonna be at Waikiki. I have a slogan for Consolidated: Consolidated-- we don't have our shit together.
But fuck, Dole Cannery kicks ass. I totally didn't even expect to see it last night either. Cool cool cool. There was a magician going around doing card tricks to keep us entertained, and I won one of the raffles! Granted, the T-shirt I won was an X-Large and R2D2 is taller than me but...
Okay, okay, I'll stop about the fucking Star Wars already. But seriously, don't let all those idiots at Taco Bell fuck everything up for the rest of us: this was a fun movie. I mean, it sure as shit wasn't perfect, the whole Anakin/pod race thing took up a lot more time than necessary, and some people got real bored but still... I swear, as soon as I was outta bed this morning, I was twirling a two-sided lightsaber around the house. Shit, I gotta get to KayBee and buy me a real two-sided lightsaber.
