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Friday, November 26, 1999, 2:17 pm
Note to self: it would make getting into Costco a helluva lot easier if you had your membership card with you. You can also save gas by not having to drive to Hawaii Kai twice. Also, it may help to activate your Discover Platinum Card before you try to make a purchase.
Tried that awa bar in Kapahulu. Strange experience. It's really dark and QUIET. I guess since the awa makes you all mellow, loud talking is discouraged. It helps to have hulking Hawaiians standing around too. Anyway, the awa was kinda relaxing although I think you need to drink at least four to feel it. Here's the rub: you have to pay $4.25 a pop and each bowl tastes and looks like dirt water.
Wednesday, December 1, 1999, 4:04 am
(Notes taken from my snazzy black leather portfolio I bring to job interviews)
Shh! I'm in a testing process for a job. Eerie. They're keeping me waiting in a conference room. I was filling out the app and this guy ahead of me turned his in and a few minutes later they said he could go and they'll call him. So I turn in mine and start reading my copy of the 1999 O. Henry Awards, figuring they'll tell me they'll call me later. Then this woman calls my name and says they'd like me to take a typing test. GULP!
So there I am at a 200 year old computer terminal. The TAB doesn't work! The SHIFT isn't where it's supposed to be!
Shh! Here they come!
(End of notes taken from my snazzy black leather portfolio I bring to job interviews)
So anyway, it turns out my word per minute typing thing is 54!!! Not bad eh? Fuck, I thought my WPM would be 15 or something. Well, if anything comes of this, at least I finally got my typing speed clocked.
(Shh... Don't tell anyone but I'm secretly wishing I don't get this job. Total sell-out, nine-to-five, cubicle, dress-code, suddenly you wake up one day and you're Edward Norton and you wanna start underground clubs where men beat the living shit outta each other- kinda job. Although when they told me the salary, the clunking noise was my jaw hitting the table. (I don't like conference rooms. They just weird me out.) That was like 200% more than I'm used to making. I was almost dumb enough to go, "$____ an hour?" I decided to keep my mouth shut and ask Mom exactly what those figures meant. (I think Ball And Chain is jealous that... Nevermind.) Regardless, if they do call me back, it's gonna be one of those school or job decisions that I've kinda been dreading. It's sick really. I definitely could pay off some bills with that kinda salary but the Little Aaron deep down wants to unplug the phone and be "unavailable" to receive calls and therefore miss it. If they actually do call back. I got the job experience of a banana.)
But anyway, after the typing test, my nerves are totally fucked cause I was expecting to be able to renew my Waldenbooks Preferred Readers Card (and therefore buy an entire rack of magazines for double the points) within half an hour, but they weren't done with me yet. They stick me in the boardroom (again, all I'm thinking is Fight Club, and thank God I wore a belt and non-athletic shoes) and Woman #2 comes in and gives me a test that basically amounts to the SATs; reading comprehension and logic, that kinda shit. She even read the directions aloud with me. Although the SATs didn't give you only FIVE FUCKING MINUTES!
Anyway, so I finish a FRACTION of the entire test, and after keeping me waiting again (Are they secretly videotaping me on a hidden camera? Resist the urge to toss sharpened pencils into the ceiling damnit!) Woman #2 and yet another employee come in.
"Hi Aaron," said Guy #1. "This is just an initial interview. I wanna ask you a few questions. What do you look for in a job?"
I'm not sure what I stuttered and mumbled out but all that was ringing in my head was: I'm just looking for something to get me outta debt since I basically butt-fucked myself from getting a Master's in English.
"Why did you choose our company?"
Mumble, stutter. In this Sunday's classified, it was either you or Tower Records Kahala, dude.
"Where do you hope to see yourself in the next five years?"
Mumble, stutter. Hopefully on The New York Times Best-Seller List with an option from Miramax Films and an offer to finally put things right in the next James Bond movie.
I have a feeling the "initial interview" didn't go well.
Speaking of which, I caught the end of The Man With The Golden Gun on TBS. While that one is near the bottom of my Bond list, I finally put my finger on what was wrong with the action in The World Is Not Enough (aside from the really really slow ski sequence). Nobody was really trying to kill Bond. It was all either him running away from a bomb or diffusing a bomb. Junk.
7:59 pm
(Notes taken from my private notebook)
I'm at Jiffy Lube. I love this place. 15-20 minutes AND they're willing to vacuum my interior. That's bravery.
"Uh gee, you sure you wanna vacuum my interior? It's pretty messy in here." My car has a hundred empty cigarette packs, books, cassettes, CDs, racquetball rackets, racquetballs, tennis rackets, tennis balls...
Oh shit, Big Local Motherfucker just came by to tell me that I should change my air filter. Hmm... I thought this was only gonna cost $40...
This place is beginning to scare me.
Okay, the fuckers just sold me on the air filter. I figure what the hell, when the fuck am I coming back anyway?
Hypothetical: if you work Mon-Fri., 9-5, when do you find the time to change your oil?
Oh shit, they're done already!
I never even got a chance to ask them to sing me the song. "You need to take care of your car, yes it's truuue. You want it done real fast, we'll follow through. Our 14 point service..."
I really can't imagine these guys singing the song though...
(End of notes taken from private notebook)
Well it appears everyone read my story except for me. Apparently there's copies all over the place. Dog Girl sent me this really nice email (edited for obvious reasons):
got my copy of __________ with your _______ story.
wonderful wonderful wonderful -- you still are kinda of sexist pig, but at...
Actually, you did a great job. I'm proud to know you. Keep writing.
I think what I like best about your writing is the energy. The story moves
along quickly and honestly.
Wow. If she was in the room with me when I read that email I would've hugged her for two hours.
On the other side of the scale, the Hairy Editor claimed that it was his favorite thing I'd written, with the exception of the unfinished novel in which he makes a prominent appearance. (The strange thing is, this is basically the same story that he turned down last year. Uh gee, perhaps we didn't even read it, asshole? No matter. I wouldn't have got paid if he decided to publish it. I like how it all works in the end, no?) Then of course he had to throw in the backhanded comment, "But I didn't think the story was finished." Really? Okay, go ahead and write a sequel motherfucker.
Even Dental Chick and Nina managed to snag copies. I seriously gotta call someone. I'M THE FUCKING WRITER DAMNIT!!!
Toy Story 2 was really funny. In fact, I think I liked it a lot better than the first one. Ball And Chain liked the first one better so the sequel MUST have been good. Anyway, there's an interesting interpretation on the film in Spunker.
