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Oh god, I am so fucking fucking fucking-- I'm fucking rock-hard pissed right now! I swear, I'm losing it. I'm gonna fucking kick the Hairy Editor's ass already. I don't care, whatever. I want first crack. I wanna pop him in the fucking glasses. And I know how he gets, he's probably gonna press charges instead of fight back.
He's such a fucking pussy it ain't funny already.
Okay, I gotta fucking calm down. BUT I JUST WANNA KICK HIS FUCKING ASS!!! I swear, I hope hope hope he fucking goes to a mainland college. I just don't fucking want him around already. And that's the fucking thing. He hangs around the places I hang around with, and talks to the people I talk with.
He's just one of those motherfuckers who thinks they know every goddamn thing on the fucking planet. And I give him that. He's smart and he can probably analyze any short story in the Library Of Congress and have a two hour answer for it, but... Fuck, the last thing I need when I'm working on my paper is, to call me to basically let me know that.
And I have to do an oral presentation with him tomorrow.
And the computer just crashed and I didn't save a couple more paragraphs. But I don't wanna devote anymore time on him.
I really would like to see him publish. That's all I'll say about that. Plus, I gotta gotta remember, he's still real young. Fucking idealistic brat. Unless they change their ways soon, it gets to be too late, and they grow up and turn into people like my father. And then nobody will want to be their friend.
sigh. I feel better now that I can feel sympathy for him.
Okay. Back to my paper (which he said a snide, snobby little remark about...).
Saturday, November 20, 1999, 4:13 pm
This past Friday, my luck has been seriously hit and miss. Turns out, MY interpretation that the Hairy Editor shit on the previous night, turned out to be well received in class. (Although a couple extra comments may have fucked my paper.) Also, my oral presentation, frankly, kicked the ass of the Hairy Editor's. Yes I'm gloating, but I don't care. Then again, a banana can be more entertaining and funny than the Hairy Editor. I AM Andy Kaufman.
Anyway...
Then I FOUND my car in the Dole Cannery parking lot. Thank Banana, I simply forgot where I parked. The whole time I'm thinking, "No fucking way can a guy get his car stolen twice."
Then at Borders, I found the brand new Garth Brooks CD for $9.99! Usually it's $12.99 but apparently some blessed person mis-tagged. Thank you.
Then, just five minutes ago, you know how sometimes you leave a dresser drawer half-way open? I was leaning on it to get something off the top of my dresser and the drawer closed, since I was leaning my crotch against it. I was wearing a loose pair of Nike shorts. I think you can see this coming. Congratulate me. I must be the only idiot on this island to have closed a drawer on his dick. I nearly Bobbit-ized myself with furniture...
And lastly, the worse case of bad luck ever, frankly, I thought The World Is Not Enough sucked. Yep, you read that right. Now, in the next paragraph, I'm gonna go OFF on it, revealing EVERYTHING, but for now, all I'll say is, if you're a fan, go, and maybe I'm being too harsh. If you're not a fan, you may be bored, because even I was.
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There were a lot of great things in this movie that I wished had been in a better Bond movie.
I'll rant from the beginning.
The opening stunt sequence. Terrific. Utterly terrific.
The opening title credits. Terrific. This time the sexy motif was oil. Even the Garbage song kinda matched.
Bond and M in their early briefing sequences. Terrific.
Bond and Q. Sad and touching. The way they say goodbye to Q... It's really kinda sad.
Then everything went to shit. For some reason, they were under the impression that the plot was important. Oh please. From there, I was bored off my ass.
And on top of that the action scenes were so boring. ONLY the opening sequence is memorable. That's it. They even fucked up the submarine climax. The preview made it look so cool with Bond holding his breath outside the sub. The movie paced the entire sequence so fucking slowly! No surprises. Nothing like that garage sequence in Tomorrow Never Dies. Nothing like when 007 shoots the guy out of the jet in the beginning of Tomorrow Never Dies. Michael Apted just seriously doesn't know how to stage an action film. It's really really pathetic.
The villain: they barely used him. That was such a good idea, a man impervious to pain, and Robert Carlyle was actually pretty good. It's just that he wasn't all that threatening. But then, how can he be threatening when he was in only fifteen minutes of the goddamn movie. They seriously blew it.
Sophie Marceau. She had one good part when you realize how evil she is. (She cut off her own earlobe. Twisted. Cool.) But aside from that, I never realized how bad an actress she is. She single-handedly brought down the entire middle portion of the movie. Usually Bond's relationships with women have been improving, especially with Teri Hatcher in Tomorrow Never Dies. But Sophie Marceau just seriously sucked, even her character wasn't very interesting.
Brosnan himself didn't help either, but then it's not entirely his fault. For the first time in the history of the series, Bond is an idiot. A naive idiot. Although a good thing is that he's a cold-blooded killer again. But then later, they make such a big issue of it that... Let's put it this way. Brosnan shouldn't have hesistated for a second. It just would have been waaay cooler to have seen him shoot Sophie Marceau point blank. No dialogue. No NRA discussion about it. That's the main problem with Brosnan in this movie. He's beginning to get a little TOO concerned with making Bond vulnerable. When he and Michelle Yeoh catch each other making goo goo eyes, that's cute. Having Bond come close to being infatuated with a woman? NO NO NO. That just doesn't fucking happen. He's not supposed to be that vulnerable! A little shoulder injury, fine. But not THAT! This isn't a fucking Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan movie!
Oh God, and the dialogue. This is the first Bond movie since Moonraker that is just flat-out tacky. There's got to be this sense that things are being done for fun. Inject too much realism and it all turns to shit. There has to be that perfect balance of real and cartoon. They needed more cartoon.
Sophie Marceau is an idiot. Bond is an idiot. Even M was an idiot. They could have made so so so much more of the kidnapping M-deal, but of course, they didn't. Believe it or not, the only person who seemed to have enjoyed themselves making this movie was Denise Richards. Who would've thought that SHE would be the most intelligent character in the movie?
There was no evil henchmen. Unless you count Sophie Marceau.
The car sucked.
Robbie Coltrane's character from Goldeneye was fun. Too bad they decided to KILL him. Anyway... *shaking head at idiots*
John Cleese was okay. If he had been given funnier things to do... Perhaps in the next one. If there is a next one...
The gadgets, with the exception of all uses of eye-glasses, sucked. Whoever wrote this movie had no idea how to present them. You don't just use the gadgets. You use them in creative ways. Like Bond using the X-ray specs to look for weapons, and underwear. Like when he uses the glasses to set off the stun bomb in the beginning. But then, if you have John Cleese demonstating what the jacket is for, and then you just use it for that exact purpose, no surprise. Big whoops.
Bond and Moneypenny's scene was cool. The best scene with Moneypenny in a long time. A little cute, a little lewd.
Oh, and I loved the torture device chair Sophie Marceau uses on Bond. It's this thing with a wheel, and each turn pushes a bar into the back of his neck. And the way he straddles him as she's torturing him. And Bond, in total pain, going, "How about one last screw?"
And that's basically it. I can't believe how bored I was in this movie. This is one of the worst written and paced Bond films since A View To A Kill. After an amazing twenty minutes, it just degenerated into a series of really good moments in a big ass mess of boredom and just plain bad writing. I am so so depressed. I've been waiting two fucking years for this.
Fuckers. I seriously hope they didn't sink the franchise. They really need to take some time and re-evaluate. Or hire me already. I'll do it for cheap.
